Is he a player?
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| Mon, 05-01-2006 - 9:11am |
Okay, so here's the deal.
The guy has been crazy about me for 2 years, always talking to his friends about me (at the time I was in a relationship) but then I broke up, we got talking and went out on a few dates, he called me every day, things were great between us for a few weeks and I just felt really comfortable with him, he was always interested in what was going on with me, always telling me what an amazing woman he thinks I am...
Then after a couple of weeks he said he needed some time for himself to sort things out, and that he couldn't be with me as long as he was confused because he didn't think it would be fair to me. So we broke up, and I concluded that if he'd really wanted me he wouldn't have let me get away. So, for whatever reason I just didn't do it for him...
This weekend however, I saw him again... :s (I knew he was going to be there and stupid me I had to go) he came over to talk to me, and all the time giving me these looks that way he does that makes me go al crazy inside.
My friend -who knows him pretty well- told me afterward he looked completely smitten, on which her boyfriend commented: 'If he's not faking it...'
A lot of people (who don't know him, I must ad)have been saying to me he quite clearly blew me off, and is playing me.
So here's the question:
Is he just playing with me? Or it there a tiny possiblity I'm not as naïeve as everyone tells me I am....?
Because if he is just messing with my head, I don't understand why. I can understand guys trying to get in your pants, saying anything to sweet talk you. But he didn't! When we were dating he had the chance, but said to me he wanted things to be special and wait.
If he'd tried to get me into bed, at least I would know what he was after... I figured he just wasn't into me, but then why mess with me again?
ps: I'm quite attractive, outgoing and fun. just so you know he didn't back out because I'm a loonatic and I'm disgusting down there or something...
Edited 5/1/2006 10:39 am ET by shedevil788

Well, he may not be at all aware that he is "messing with you". He may have just thought he was making conversation and was completely oblivious to the fact he was "all the time giving me these looks that way he does that makes me go al crazy inside."
Stranger things have happened.
But it is also possible the guy likes you and felt too awkward to just ask you for another date.
There's only one way to know, ask HIM. Just keep it light say something like, "Hey, it was really nice seeing yout he other night at the party. Maybe I'm crazy but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you might like to spend some more time together. Was it an as friends vibe, or a maybe another date vibe, or am I just off my rocker?"
Even if says your crazy, at least you'll have your answer.
I don't know where you're getting this "player" thing. What I see is a guy who isn't all that emotionally healthy, and who recognizes that (so he stopped dating you) but who isn't emotionally mature/healthy enough to stop "giving you looks".
He's told you he's not in a position to date you. Believe him and stop driving yourself crazy over "looks". If he ever gets his act together, and he's still interested, he'll ask you out.
Sheri
He called me and told me how he's wanted to call me a million times to ask me to come over, because he wanted to spend time with me, but didn't because he thought it would only make things harder afterwards. And that seeing me was hard because he feels great with me and just wanted to hold me...
But that he's not certain he could give himself in a relationship and is afraid to hurt me...
I think he's just thinking way too much... We both feel the same way about eachother, so why not enjoy the moment and see what the future brings? If we both feel great when we're together and enjoy ourselves then why shouldn't we spend time together?
Would I be lying to myself if I asked him to keep on seeing eachother but take things slow? Or is it better if I just shut up and wait untill or if he will ever call me...
I think that's an excellent way to get yourself hurt very badly.
Your best bet is to ask him to call you if and when he decides he's ready to try to pursue a relationship with you.
Sheri
SheDevil-
Time after time after time, we single women get so wrapped up analyzing a tree, that we forget to step back and look at the forest. Here's the big picture.
I am assuming that by dating, you are looking for Mr Right?
So, let us evaluate the situation from the point of view of a search for Mr. Right.
This poor fool wanted space from you. He didn't want to be with you. Enough said.
Analyzing whether of not he likes you based on the fact that he didn't try to get down your pants is like consulting a map of Los Angeles when you are trying to find a building in Miami! Who cares if he didn't want to get down your pants. Kudos to him for being a proper gentleman, but that doesn't mean this goob is your Mr. Right. I hope that you will be blessed with several men who want to date you that are willing to wait. Those are the types of guys you want to be with. But just because a guy says that he's willing to wait or "I respect you" or "you are special" or "I adore you"doesn't automatically mean he wants to marry you, and that he wants for you to bear his children.
And don't call yourself (or let anyone else for that matter) call you Naieve. You are a great woman, and like the rest of us, you are learning one lesson after another on the road to Mr. Right. This doesn't mean you are any less knowledgeable than the majority of single women out there. Just remember, you only deserve the best, but just because a man meets one of your criterion, doesn't mean you need to leap in heart and all and accept anything less than total adoration from him.
Hugs and Kisses
Savannah
www.ontheroadtomrright.com
You are both very right, and I know that...
But (I know, someone should just slap me ;o)) if I tell him to just call me if he ever feels he's up for it, I'm just gonna be left with a big MAYBE.
I know I should probably run away from this guy as far as I can, but I can't change the way I feel about him... And as long as there's a 'maybe' with him I know I'm not able to give my heart to someone else...
So maybe I should just risk getting hurt very badly as it may just give me the closure I'll need to move on..?
Well, you could do that, or you could make a choice to move on (and you do have a choice--with time and no contact, your feelings would fade). If you'd rather languish in limbo, so be it, but recognize that you are making a choice.
Sheri
Dear shedevil:
When a guy wants his space, you're done. You have to honor his request. I hear you saying how much you love this one, and how you can't change your feelings for him.
I felt this way too, all too recently, I might add. My ex pulled away from me, "confused" about what he wanted. He didn't know how to be a bf or a husband, his gut told him to back off, etc.
Well, I couldn't take that in, so I pursued him. And, got what I now realize is the predictable result: he high-tailed it for the hills.
In the last 7 months, I spent a lot of time on the mars venus message boards, learning from women who've been exactly where I stood and where you are now standing. So, I invite you to come out and get some love and support.
One reason that I picked my guy in the first place, and let him run riot with my heart is that I had life-long low self-esteem. I was low-hanging fruit, sister! And he plucked me without having to raise his eyes. Well, now I'm top of the tree girl! Without realizing it, my ex gave me a great gift: ME. I know love is out there for me, I know it will come to me, and it will be worthy of me.
I hope this helps, sweetie. beyondmeasure
It's your choice. But why not consider the advice of those who have been where you are? Why make the same mistakes? This advice is going to be blunt, so sorry- but there is no need to sugarcoat it...if you want to make a choice- at least be honest with yourself.
If you are willing to "wait" and settle for a "maybe" then the problem lies not within the guy, but within you. If you are willing to let some guy decide your happiness, you are destined for a life of disappointment, I'm afraid.
The saying that you can't truly love someone until you love yourself is true- It was for me and lots of other women I know. You can't let a man dictate your happiness or your self-worth, which is what, I fear, you are doing.
The "closure" thing is a complete fiction that women have made up to justify hanging onto bad situations. The only thing it means is, "I am too weak to make a decision, so I'm going to let him make the decision in the off chance he suddenly decides to be with me".
This guy does not "the One" most likely, so if you want to wait for him to dump you- your choice. But if you let that happen, you are only going to feel worse about yourself. You are only delaying the inevitable heartbreak that follows the ending of a relationship. But instead of lessening the hurt you will feel, you are adding on the humilation of suffering through the dumping process and the internal beating you will go through when you are crying out loud "why did I let myself do this, AGAIN"
Why go through that??? You should just move on- fill your life with friends, family and activities that you enjoy, and soon enough you'll forget that loser. And you'll feel much better about yourself if you do.
And if any of this doesn't hit home- what about this...Which guy do you want to marry:
Guy A: calls occasionally,
makes plans with you but if something better comes up, you're ditched
forgets your birthday,
Won't admit you are his girlfriend
If you try to talk to him, he freaks out and doesn't call you for days
Guy B:
Calls every day
Chooses you over a night with the boys
Does special things just because
Remembers your birthday, and gets you exactly what you want
Is excited about all of your accomplishments
Can't wait to tell you about his day, and hear about yours
Talks about the future
Communicates any concerns and wants to work things out instead of breaking up
You are meant to be with your current man if you chose A, if you chose B- then you need to ditch your guy ASAP. You may ask, does Guy B really exist?
Yes, he does- I found him, and that was after I decided that I deserved better than my relationship with Guy A, and took a chance on being alone for a little while, and started pursuing my own dreams.
You are fabulous and Mr. Right is on the horizon- so ditch that guy on the side of the road and move on!
Savannah
www.ontheroadtomrright.com
Dear Savannh:
Girl, you been readin' my mail! I couldn't have said it better myself! We are much better served focusing on our own issues and healing them than we are in wringing our hands over some guy who isn't ready by half for real love or commitment. Thanks! beyondmeasure