He put the relationship on hold

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
He put the relationship on hold
7
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 11:52pm
Hello. About 4 weeks ago, i went out on a date to just have drinks. I wasn't expecting to start anything because in 2 weeks, i had to leave to boston (i'm from chicago) for 2 months for work. We clicked and for those 2 weeks, we spent every day with each other. I wasn't working, and since he was in school, these were long days that made the relationship grow so close so fast. I'm 30 and have been dating enough people to know what's right, and some how, this guy hit it on the nail. i know i love him, but i can't say it yet.
It's been only a week since i've been away and he told me that he wants to see another girl and to put our relationship on hold. he said that he doesn't deal with distance very well. Funny, when i accepted that and said that I should see people too, he hated the though of that. He still very much likes me and cares, which is just confusing me even more on this.
That news broke my heart, but i have to accept that he should do his own thing. Now, when i get back, 2 things can happen, 1. he's still with her and i get even more heart broken or 2. He's not with her and we are meant to be.
I told him today that it should be best that we don't talk for awhile because it just hurts too much, again, he didn't like that decision, but i had to make it for my own sanity.
I've never been in this situation and honestly can't understand his actions for doing this. I love him and see myself with him until i am old. Is this worth the heart ache? Can anyone share some situations like mine?


Edited 4/9/2006 11:56 pm ET by kitten60610
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 1:59am

I'm with your boyfriend with not being able to do long distance. It's certainly not for all of us and kudos to him for speaking up early.

When I first met my DH, he was due to go away with work for a few months. However, he decided that he and I getting a chance to build on something wonderful was more important to him than this contract. So, he resigned from his job and stayed in the same city as me. You see, it's all about priorities. And at present your work has a higher priority for you than your relationship.

I think that it's quite fair for your boyfriend to put the relationship on hold, especially considering that by moving away you've shown him that his not your #1 priority. It's not his fault that you're moving away and therefore it would be unfair of you to expect him to wait for you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 7:15am

I had no choice to leave for 2 months to train. it's only 2 months, he knew that before i met him. i was out of a job for like 8 months, so for me to not take a job is not only a matter of prirority, but survival.

does it get easier? i know it's only been a day from not talking with him, and i literally feel sick to my stomach.

should i just tell him i love him and put my heart on the line or do just try to get him out of my mind for now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 5:12pm

To be honest, if he's already dating someone new - I'd say that your feelings weren't reciprocated. It would appear that he's already moved on quite easily.

I'd say that you need to save your dignity and let him call you :-)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 11:29pm
I really don't think 2 months is long at all and it goes by very quickly. I think if you 2 were meant to be then he would have waited or it would just happen. I do believe that it's probably too early to tell if you really love him as of yet because you guys have only known each other a short time so maybe he was thinking it was too short of a time to make a decision on if he wanted to be with you for the long haul. I say take it with a grain of salt. You could think that you love him now but you really haven't known him for that long. I say go on your trip and if you can handle it keep in contact with him because I do think that he's not quite sure or not in a place to make a decision yet. If you care for him too much and you can't handle knowing that he's with her don't keep in contact with him. I wouldn't tell him that you love him, I would let him make that decision on his own because I think he already probably knows that you have strong feelings for him. See how you feel when you get back and contact him then to see where he is at. If you 2 are meant to be you will be. I'm a firm believer of that. The reason why I say 2 months is not that long is because I am seeing someone (non-exclusively) who is on a 6 month deployment in the Navy. We only dated 2 months beforehand so decided to not make it serious. Well, more than 3 months have gone by and those 3 months have flown and I'm still single and I'm not sure where I'll be in the next 3 months when he gets back but I might still be available and I really like him so I wouldn't mind picking up where we left off if because I do like him. The same could happen for you. He could be waiting for you when you get back and you never know. 2 months is nothing really in the whole scheme of things. Hugs to you and I hope everything works out, you just never know but let him come to terms with things and make a decision because then you know it's coming from his own heart and not because you told him you loved him
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 11:42am

I had a similar situation; however, I met this guy while my mother and I were flying in town for the Christmas holidays to visit my sister and her family. He worked in the airport as a police officer and while we were getting our baggage, he kept eyeing me and finally said something to me. We exchanged numbers and we ended up hanging out on Christmas Eve getting to know one another. I am from New Jersey and he is from Missouri, so what a distance right? Well he is 37 and I'm 32. He seemed to know exactly what he's looking for and had no problem telling me how distance didn't play a part in anything he was seeking, if he really wanted it bad enough. Needless to say, all of that talk has changed his tune. He used to call me everyday and talk about how he wanted us to be together and all, and even though I began to get strong feelings for him, I wouldn't tell him because it's only been 4mos. But now he don't call as often and the next time I will see him will be the end of May. I flew back out to see him in January and he came to see me in March.

I am not good with the distance and I commend your other half for being so upfront about his feelings towards a distant situation; however, it's not like you were going to be gone for a long time, so I seriously think that he could have waited 2mos. to see how he felt then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 10:40pm

Update:
Well, the whole us trying not to talk to each other didn't work. I couldn't hold it in and told him that i loved him. it felt good because i got it off my chest. I didn't expect anything back. He was taken back by that. Last Sat, when he broke the news to me, he just told me that who knows what will happend when I get back. He even wanted us to talk less and not be as close.
Well, today we agreed to work it out and things have changed for the better. I guess he's starting to feel hurt too because i have decided to see someone while I'm here in Boston. He's becoming insecure like me and ill when he thinks about me on a date. He finally realizes that he's not ready to lose me. He want's me to get a webcam now, so we can see each other when we chat. And, he wants me to immediately go to the OBGYN for oral concraceptives because it will come into effect when i come home. (just got insurance with new job)

Even though we are going to see these people, i made sure that we both have to make a conscious effort to not talk about it. It hurts, but at least I now know that he wants me back when I get home. Funny thing, all of his best friends think he's wrong for doing this and that I am a better fit for him. Anyway, maybe this will bring us closer because he will realize that i'm not one to let go. And if not, then we are not meant to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 11:02am
I'm glad to hear that he has feelings for you and that you guys have a chance when you get back. I don't think though that you should be seeing someone in Boston though because if you have feelings for him it's going to probably hurt the Boston guy unless the guy knows that's all it's going to be is a casual thing. I wouldn't see someone just to make the other person jealous. I would see someone because I really liked that person. It doesn't hurt to just have a good time go out in Boston and just live the single life for a little bit and then see what happens when you get back.