Is he right for me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Is he right for me?
11
Fri, 06-05-2009 - 6:40pm
I have been engaged, Sept. will be a year.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Sat, 06-06-2009 - 8:23pm

I may have the same problem some day...OH NO.


My b/f does not make alot of money and I love him dearly too..he is going to move in in November....and he is only paying 300 for rent right now where he is living-

Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 11:02am
Oh no....This is such a problem your never gonna be able to fix.

I hope you have the strength to make the decision to dump him and move on with your life. Here's where I have a problem with this situation and in what you said.

"he was going through a divorce and, he said he was going to have some financial difficulties but with me by his side, he knew he would be ok.

Ummm hello!!! You are the meal ticket and being used. He's gonna feed off of you regardless of how good or bad the relationship is. This is never gonna change.

Look at it like this, if you married this guy...his problems will become yours legally. Not good at all! He's a leech!!

OMG! He's driving a bus for a living and has made no efforts to get a 2nd job or career, since you are his "meal ticket" all you are gonna hear is excuse after excuse. He's being lazy and regardless of his excuses he's made no effort to be a man and step up to the plate.

Remember that a man provides and relationships are 50/50 and this one isn't stepping up AT ALL!!! I would start making preparations to move out, remove yourself from ANY bills or financial obligations that he may be attached to. He needs to prove to first himself that he can provided for him and him alone. He also needs to fix his finances, which probably suck right now.

READ THE SIGNS! It's time to go!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 1:52pm

Dear Sweatpea79 and Misssy2,


Thanks so much for responding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2001
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 9:29am

Until you both feel strong enough to leave these men there is no way they will give up their meal tickets.


I've been through it, I see it all the time.


I am so fearful of men I date now. I had one pay rent before he moved in with me,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 3:52pm
Thanks Beach!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 4:15pm

justanumber2007,


Welcome to the board! I know it must be fustrating

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 5:33pm
Hi-Thanks for the feedback.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2009
Sat, 06-13-2009 - 10:03pm

You can get "kindness" from a stranger at a bus stop or in line at the grocery store,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Sun, 06-14-2009 - 9:38am
Ouch! But, Thank You...........
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Tue, 06-16-2009 - 7:52pm

Hello,
I usually don't post here but your message caught my eye bc I am in a similar situation. Please be very careful. My boyfriend and I are not engaged but he wants to be married. He is a very sweet guy with lots of friends and he does nice things for me (he's a wonderful cook). He moved into the home I own 5 years ago when his roommate sold the house he was renting and moved out of state. When my BF moved in, our plan was that he would get his "financial situation" under control, and until then, i would carry the load financially.

I didn't mind because I'm pretty liberal and I also earn a very good income. I should have known better. He still hasn't gotten his debt paid off and last year I resented it so much that things really came to a head and it was miserable. Now he pays me $500 a month (which we all know doesn't go very far in the world of living expenses) but is at least something. I feel better and our relationship has stabilized but this has put a heavy burden on us and undermined my feelings for him. He felt very ashamed and his self esteem plummeted when he discovered the depth of my resentment. He also felt very afraid of being thrown out with no financial cushion.

Is he right for you? That depends on what you value and what type of lifestyle you aspire to have. We can't afford to travel together because he never has money. I love to travel and can afford it. If we have kids together, I know that I will have to carry the financial responsibility alone which is quite daunting.

Please be very very careful and DO NOT let this man into your financial world. Do not give him access to personal financial info and do not support him. I don't care how much you love him today, you will grow to resent him and then he will have legal right to half of your assets (depending on the state you are in).

Put him on notice of when you need things to change before you can move ahead in your relationship. You need to begin to create balance NOW before you start to really dislike him and he makes you feel (used). Worse, you grow even more deeply attached to him and feel bad throwing him out. Trust a woman who is smart, savvy with money but perhaps too generous.

I let it go on too long and now I am not sure if we will ever fully recover. Marriage is meant to be a lifetime of building together. What does he want to build and what do you want? Look deep inside yourself and ask what kind of life do you want in the long run? Do you want a home, do you want to travel, do you want kids? What will he do to get there with you? Would you be happy supporting a stay at home dad? What do you need him to do to restore balance in your relationship? Thank Goodness we are not married is unfortunately how I feel 5 years later. Please put yourself first and do not let anyone take advantage of you. If he loves you, he will take a second job and do what is necessary to contribute to your life together. Best wishes!

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