He sabotaged the relationship. Now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2005
He sabotaged the relationship. Now what?
9
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 4:51pm

I've been dating a really great guy for nearly 4 months now. We have been growing closer and closer... making future plans for trips. He's just about to get out of the military and planning to stay in my area, so that we can be together. All indicators point to a healthy relationship. Until this weekend.

(In the past he had mentioned trouble with commitment, loving, and putting up walls as a mechanism to prevent getting hurt.)

I had been slightly weary in my past as well - about trusting men and such. I was beginning to build trust with this guy.

Sunday morning, he was using my computer to check our joint email account, then his, etc. Nothing unusual. He heads out to run errains. Unfortunately, I went to check my email account and his was logged in. Curiousity got the better of me (I know this was wrong). Turns out there's an email from his ex thanking him for making love to him the night before! Ouch... this incident happened while I was on a trip.

I confronted him about it. He admitted, apologized, the whole nine yards. 4 hours of discussion on sunday, 2 hours yesterday.

He brings me a 6 page letter trying to explain why he might have made a poor choice to sabotage the relationship. He's in tears and obviously torn up. The letter includes why he's built walls, that he was afraid I'd love him, that he loves me and will bear the burden of this forever. He clearly indicated that his cheating had nothing to do with me (duh). It wasn't for lack of intimacy, etc.

I've been in the shock mode and now going into the angry mode.

Anyone else been in this experience? I have no idea what I'm going to do with this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 6:43pm

From what I understand of relationships in the U.S., there seems to be a period of time at the beginning of a relationship where they couples are not considered to be 'exclusive'.

Can I ask if he slept with his ex before or after you became exclusive?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 6:53pm
Good question - yes, there's a whole period of time where you are "just dating". However, in this case we had made it clear that we were exclusive as a couple. No outside dating, no other partners.... We had a lengthy discussion about this back in late August. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 7:00pm
I know easier said than done. But get rid of him do you really want to have to worry about this all the time. And can you really trust him after that? Better you know now then later. This ex will always be in the back of your head. There are guys out there that you will not have to worry about something like this with. What about next time you want to go on a trip????
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 8:03pm

I think you would be served well by reading (not necessarily posting) on the Betrayed Spouses board. There are several steps they recommend the betrayer go through in order to regain trust (including counseling). However, after only four months, I think it's best to cut your losses...since his values say it's ok to cheat if he's "afraid you will love him" or whatever (what the ????), it's going to take a LOT of therapy, etc for him to change his values. You don't have a marriage or kids invested in this...do you really want to wait and see if he can change?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 10:03pm

CHUCK HIM OUT THE DOOR, DUMP HIM !!! Better you found out now than later.

FORGIVE HIM BY FORGETTING HIM. Life goes on. Don't be confused ... he CHEATED, period.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 10:23pm

Go get the book "Men Who Cant Love" by Carter. It will be the best thing you could ever do for yourself when dealing with a man like this, as it will open your eyes.

He has basically told you he is a commitmentphobic. He cheated because he was afraid you loved him. It is so textbook.

Unless you want it to keep happening, and I know this is hard to do but you really have to for your own good, you need to break it off now. Or else, he will do something again to sabatoge your relationship, as even though they don't mean to hurt you, they don't want to be with you either so they make it impossible to stay with them.

I know firsthand. So please, unless you want to cry yourself to sleep every night after you commit another few months to him, only to be left alone, confused, totally devastated, and heartbroken in the end, get out now :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 12:48am

I feel so bad for you.

I haven't been in that exact situation, but a very similar one where I was dating my best friend of about 3 years. He had actually broken up with his girlfriend of almost a year because he said he had feelings for me. I am untrusting too, but I genuinely cared for this boy and I thought, well maybe we could have a shot. I got way too attached, and unfortunately, he left me and went back to his ex. It hurt like hell, but I forgave him.

A few months later, the same thing happened. Everyone warned me against getting back with him, but I had already figgured out that I cared for him so much, maybe even loved him. I didn't listen, and like the previous time, he dumped me over my voicemail, three days after my birthday, and on the same night that I had learned that a close relative had died. It was awful, but I learned from the experience.

I learned that it is ok to forgive, once. Just be careful. If your guy does this to you once, then he is definately capable of doing it again. We've all heard the saying "Hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me." Also, you have to be able to trust someone you are going to be with, if you don't, your relationsip probably won't work. Make sure you can trust him, or you might be better off.

Good luck, and be careful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-1998
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 4:30pm

I am so sorry!!! I was or still in the same exact boat your in...Ive been with my boyfriend for a few years now, and I found out that he cheated while he was away with an ex girlfriend of his. She flew out to see him for a weekend while I waited for him to come home from that summer trip...I caught him through emails, and back when I questioned why this or that was happenning he said it was nothing...but the emails proved it...All this happenned a few months ago (summer). He came back and we worked things out, but honestly it was so so so hard for me. Even til this day I get upset when I think about it and its not like I force myself and try to do it...it just creeps back in my mind at any given moment or time...I question alot of things in my head, and the main point that makes it stand out is...if I could know my ground, then there is no reason that they shouldn't either. That is the main thing that needs to be clear or be clarified/heard and not just a unspoken understanding...I may have thought we understood each other but I guess I was wrong. I know it sounds hypocritical but you have to have to let him know that in the event you feel insecure EVER in anyway or form,any negative vibes that maybe from the wind rubbing you the wrong way-you are out the door no explanation,reasons,whatever...From that point on he/both of you should be considerate in everything you do that may affect one or another even if you/he may think its harmless...No way or form should he ever put you in a position where you feel or need to feel insecure...Make that clear...A note for you as well...For the mistake that he has made don't ever feel that you are something of lesser value or compare yourself...Don't try to forget,understand,etc because forcing it will only make you see a image you don't want to see or make those ill feelings linger...It has to go away with time and when your heart,not the mind has sincerely forgiven. That being said it doesnt always mean that just because you forgive means you forget...It means that you are stronger and will not tolerate or turn the other way. I hope everything works out for you which ever way you decide to go because it really is OK with either direction your heart tells you to go...

Becky

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 12:19pm
Dear Just confused 2005, Even if you decided to take this relationship the fact that he was with his ex and thanked her for the love making, hello this will always be the fight you always have as long as you are together. Even if you were exclusive at that point he using your computer and hiding the info. Red, big red flag.