He say's he's in love with TWO people
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He say's he's in love with TWO people
| Thu, 04-13-2006 - 2:17am |
Okay I've been dating this guy for about 4 months and he's amazing. He has an ex-girlfriend issue though...he never broke up with her on strong terms...they just "fell apart" though he still loves her. Well after being with me for 4 months he's come to a fork in his life (me or her) and he can't choose. He says he's in love with both of us, his heart is split down the middle. The problem is, I really care about this guy, I mean...I love him. We get along amazingly, and when I'm with him I really feel like THE girl, his only girl. But I just don't know. Is it likely that he will go back with her? With what's familiar? He often tells me how much we think alike and how he can see us working. I don't know, I'm just confused. Has anyone ever had a guy be torn in two over two girls? Any advice would help...Thanx in advance.

I've never been in this situation before, but here is what I think I would do...
I would do some serious thinking about how long I would allow myself to remain in this hurtful situation. I wouldn't neccessarily have a hard and fast day in mind, but I'd definitely get a ball park figure.
Sometimes you have to love YOURSELF first. This is one of those times. The heartbreak you might feel at ending things is nothing compared to the heartache you will feel if you betray YOURSELF and stay with this guy for months on end only to either 1) be dumped by him or 2) months down the road realize you don't want to be with him anyway.
Also, you may want to consider the possiblity that at least PART of the reason you want this guy is because you want to "beat" this other woman out for him. I once had a FWB who had a griflriend that lived several states away. Like you he told me they were "drifting apart" when we started seeing each other. At first I was fine as FWBs, but then I found myself starting to fall for him.
I gave myself some distance and when I did and I really thought about it I realized that I wasn't really falling for him,; I just wanted to "win" him. It didn't make sense to me that he would tell me things that made me feel like I was better then her but then want to stay with her instead of wanting to be with me. It brought out my territorial and competive nature.
After I sorted out my feelings we were able to go back to being friends, but I would still periodically have to step away for a week or two just to keep everything in check with reality. The reality is the guy made a decent friend; but not even a great one, let alone being serious boyfriend material.
So really, give some thought to the situation you're allowing yourself to be in and ask yourself if he's REALLY worth the damage it's doing to you.
Tough situation for you to be in and I don't envy you one little bit.
Everyone will react differently to this, you seem as if you want this to work out with him so if thats the case you need to walk away now and give him time to sort his head out and realise what he wants. If he does get back with her, staying with him would not have made a difference, it would only have prolonged your agony. If he's meant to be with you, then he will be. I can't quite remember the saying (im hoping someone will help me out with it) but its something to do with if you truly love someone then you set them free and if they are meant to be with you, they will return.
I certainly could not stay another minute if I knew my boyfriend was also thinking about another girl especially his ex. I would feel hurt and used, like I was some sort of stop gap. By walking away, he will either realise its you he needs to be with and come back whole heartedly, or he will know he's meant to be with his ex and though you will hurt, it will be easier to handle after 4 months together than 4 years down the line.
Big hugs
xx
Edited 4/13/2006 9:07 am ET by dillydrip
Cherri-
When people ask me about their relationships- I like to compare the quest to finding Mr. Right to a road trip. Complete with signs ahead to warn us of danger. On your trip I would have to say that you are riding in an HOV lane, honey! Too many people in the car- dump him and his ex.
The thing is, the relationship is as much (if not more so) about YOU than it is him. I know it sounds selfish, but you get one shot at life- and the only person that can fill that life up, is YOU. So, you need to look out for yourself. YOU are fabulous, YOU deserve only the best, YOU deserve his undivided attention.
Maybe he can be "in love" with two people- but guess what?!? you deserve BETTER! You deserve to me the ONE and ONLY ONE. If he can't give you that, (which obviously he can't) then you need to find someone that can. Don't worry, your Mr. Right is out there!
You don't need to concern yourself with "will he go back to her" Honey- you are the Queen- forget what he might do, forget his feelings and his internal drama of "being in love with 2 girls". He's a fool if he doesn't respect, admire and adore you for the Fabulous person you are.
You need to take care of #1- and that is YOU so do what you need to do- dump him on the side of the road pull back on the road (and don't look back!) because I KNOW that your TRUE Mr. Right is just on the horizon!
Lots of Love!
Savannah
www.ontheroadtomrright.com
I was in this exact situation. Although, the guy was my xf, and he was currently with a girl, and didn't tell me (lived with her too). He came back into my life, we went out a few times, realized we wanted things to work. He was hiding things and that was a big reason for our breakup the first time. He finally came forward and told me he had a gf, and was in love with the both of us.
This is what I did. I told him, that as much as I had feelings for him, his heart was more invested with her because he lived with her and has been with her longer (I didn't count our past before them). I told him I had to take care of me, and that since he's confused, I will make the decision for him.
I walked out of his life. I did love him very much, wanted another shot with him, but it wasn't fair to me, and I'm not the type to wait for a guy to choose. If he can't love me and only me, he's not worth it in my book. Yes, it's possible to love two people at once, but is it fair? No. Is it fair to say somthing to the ppl? No. It's placing the decision on them. So, I made his decision for him by walking.
Weirdly, he fell even MORE in love with me. Mostly because I didn't yell scream, want to kill him. Because I was being mature and not reaming him for being in love with the two of us. because I was willing to let him go. I even told him he deserves to give his gf a solid chance by letting me go, and by giving them a chance, so he knows if it's meant to be with her. I told him, if we're meant to be, we'll find each other again, and we'll only be in love with each other, no one else.
He continued to call me for another 6 months, but I was strong. I moved on. I walked away. The last time I spoke with him, he was giving his r'ship his all, and that he probably wouldn't call me anymore. I told him good luck, and hung up. That was it. I only heard from him one time later, when I asked him not to call me ever again, because I was getting married and leaving him in the past where it belonged. He, btw, was still confused.....because he loved how I was able to be mature enough to handle the situation, and not take his BS.
Point is. I made the decision to NOT be with a man who's in love with another person. He's been in love with his X way before you came along. IMHO, I would let him go. I know you say you love him a lot, but 4 months truly isn't a lifetime. Whereas, his history probably runs deep with his xgf.