He still thinks we're 16...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
He still thinks we're 16...
16
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 10:20pm
Hi,
I saw my ex again after a year last summer. We were together in high school he was 17 and I was 16. (I am about to turn 20 and he's about to turn 21) Things didn't work out b/c I had childhood problems that held me back from being close to him. He didn't really have experience with girls at all. We still loved each other it was obvious but we were both mad at each other. We graduated and didn't see each other for a year and then out of a huge crowd at a concert we saw each other. We started talking again. We told each other a lot of things we hadn't talked about before (the reasons we split). We both were still in love and had never stopped thinking about each other. We kept talking and he kept saying he had a lot of stuff to do before we were together. He's in a band and touring and recording. I know it's a lot of work. The past year I realized he still hasn't grown up yet. I also realized that the band was his excuse to not be with me. He admitted he was still afraid of how he felt about me but that he knew we would be married some day. I was getting really annoyed with his excuses and so I told him that we need to go our seperate ways for right now. (He's been home for the past month and we are still in the same situation...no where) I am finally over my childhood problems and feel as though I need to figure some things out for my self. He at first thought I was kidding, but now he realizes I'm being serious and says that he misses me a lot. He needs to figure some things out too I've told him so. I mean if hes still afraid of this. I've tried to tell him it's OK b/c I'm here with him, but he keeps doing some dumb stuff instead. (like lying to girls just to get my attention and then it ends up getting himself into trouble with them) It's hard for me to stay away from him b/c I truly do love him but I know we need to stop talking for a while. I told him he has a lot of growing up to do and I do too. He doesn't understand it and wishes we could still be like we were, but I know that if I were to come back it wouldn't change. He would still be making up excuses not to be with me. So I'm out on my own now. Has anyone ever done this before? Had to leave someone so that they'd grow up? Do you think there's hope that maybe some day he will? Thanx.
Steph

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 7:36am

As long as he isn't willing to take a hard look at himself and what it will tkae to be happy he wont. There's absolutlely nothing you can do about that. You have to keep moving on with your life.

Don't let loving him impede you. Loving someone is great but sometimes love simply isn't enough or the timing is off. Keep moving forward with your life. If it is meant to be your paths will intersect again when the timing is better and he has matured. It'll hurt right now, but in the long run you'll be better off for it whether you end up with him or meet someone you love even more in the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 6:04pm
Thank you for your response. In a way, that helped me see that I am doing the right thing and actually held me back from saying something to him. You remember how I said before that he lied to girls well he lied to one of them who is very aggressive. Since, he has only been in a relationship with 3 girls including me, he had no idea what to do with her. He was being all egotestical (a guys ego are his testicles :) ) and said some things that ended up making her believe that he wanted a lot more from her. So she caught him off guard one day and had sex with him. Even though he's told me everything, now he's bringing her up I guess to make me jealous. I held back from paying real attention to him. So I guess that's good. He's like a little boy. He repeats the same mistakes over and over again. It never seems to get better. Sometimes I wonder if he WILL grow up. He's gotten into more drugs too which does worry me, but I know he's doing all of this just get my attention. So I'm holding back from saying anything. Thanx again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 8:30am

"He's like a little boy." and you're right he may always be. Some people mature slowly and some never mature at all. Maturing requires that you learn from your mistakes and accept responsibility for them. It sounds like he hasn't figured that out yet.

Unfortunately, he may never figure that out. It's very smart and very mature of YOU to have figured that out and to know that he might never change and that, so you can better yourself, you may have to leave him behind.

You're your most precious asset. You have to take care of yourself. Don't wait until you're nearing 30 to figure that out, like I did. Sometimes taking care of yourself means doing things that hurt, hurt yourself and maybe sometimes hurt others. But you must be true to yourself and be good to yourself. If you don't, you have nothing left to give anyone else anyway.

There's a big difference between taking care of yourself and being selfish. It isn't selfish to leave a bad relationship that is holding you back. That's taking care of yourself. The only person you are responsible for is yourself. It isn't your responsibility to show him the error of his ways or help him to become a better person. You've tried and he has ignored it. That's his choice and his loss. It's up to him to take care of him now and it's up to you to do what is best for you.

I hope that makes some sense to you. I know it didn't always make a whole lot of sense to me.

I guess I'm just trying to make sure you don't feel bad for him about moving on. You have to worry about you first. Just becasue you love him doesn't mean you owe him ANYTHING. Worry about what is right for you, not what is going to happen to him. He's a big boy, it's his problem to figure out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 4:52pm
Thanx. He realized that what he was telling me was really dumb. I see a little change in him. I remember the first time I saw him he was always so shy and quiet. He used to always tell me everything (and still does) and he said that I've taught him a lot of things. He's pretty much said that I was the only person he trusted. He's done a lot of things b/c he didn't value himself and I actually told him this. At first he got mad at me and said I was just being cruel but he knew I was right. He's told me he knows he's done a lot of stupid things b/c he hasn't had the experience and that he's done these things (that mess everything up) without thinking (hence the little boy). I guess since he realizes this stuff it will take him time to stop that response to everything. It's like when I get mad at him he goes and does something to get my attention. I can tell when this behavior all began. It happened right when we were breaking up in high school. It was right after he confessed to me that he was in love with me and I didn't know how to react to that b/c of my problems. I didn't tell him at the time and b/c girls were paying attention to him he pretty much said "your loss...bye." Then he kept trying to get me back after a few weeks. He's a very good-looking guy and I think b/c of his exposure with the bands made girls notice him more. He doesn't know how to deal with all that attention just yet. I'm trying hard to distance myself completely, but it's really hard. I'm about to start at a new university and know I will meet a lot of people. He knows this too. I just hope everything works out for the best for both of us. Sometimes I feel like he's my best friend, soul mate and everything even though he acts so hehe retarded. It's like if he's just turning 16. I guess it is true that girls mature faster than boys. Maybe things will be better two years down the road...:). Thanx for your help. At first I thought no one would respond to my post, but I guess I was wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 7:37am

Things always do work out for the best, life's just funny that way. Sometimes it's hard to see at the time because it hurts, but it always works out as long as you don't give up on yourself.

I know how hard this has to be for you. I remember breaking up with my high school sweetheart, we'd been together for seven years. All through college. It was really hard even though I was the one walking away. I knew it wasn't right for me and I had to do it, but it was tough and scary. I made it and fell in love one more time and went through that break up too before I met my fiance.

Whenever you love some one it hurts to let go. You just have to remember there's plenty of love to go around and you'll find it again.

It took me a while and some mistakes to find the right guy, but he was worth the wait and all the heartbreak that came before. After all I wouldn't be the woman he loves if I hadn't been through those experiences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 7:42pm
It's kind of hard for me to think that there's a possibility of falling in love again because I feel so connected with him always. There's times when he doesn't have to tell me anything and I just know. It's like my best friend who's a girl, sometimes we finish each other's sentences without realizing it. But ya know it's just not the same. I can feel in my heart something that ties me to him. We spent a year without knowing anything of each other and somehow we saw each other without either one knowing that we'd be there. We both think that there's a fate between us. Am I dumb? I was so determined to go off on my own and now I want to be with him even more. I look around and don't see any guys that interest me. I guess I really haven't tried just yet. Dah! I love him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 11:39pm
Great advice you have received... I wanted to put for this post we are connected to others for one reason or another. WHy I feel you have more then one soul mate. Sometimes we date our soul mates and the love for a person who should be just a friend clouds out jud\gement because it seems to fit so right. Just remember all is good now and the love you have for him (which may be a friend love deguised as a mate love) will always be there but you will not find the right one till you recognize not all relationships are to be intimate and mate relationships but that of friendship and growing together as that.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 12:10am
Hi,
That kind of confused me. Do you mean that what I could feel for him is just a feeling of deep friendship? Mmm I don't think so b/c comparing the way I feel for my best friend to him is different. I mean not only the fact that I am not attracted to her in that way but also b/c I'm pretty sure that if I were to move away to California (that's where I want to live) that we'd keep in touch but then the distance would come between us and our friendship would fall apart. Even when she goes to school, (she lives at her school...Auburn which is almost two hours away from me) we don't talk that much and it gets kind of awkward after not seeing each other for a while and then hanging out. It's like trying to be friends with an ex. but then things eventually go back to how they were. On the other hand, with me and Ryan (that's his name) after not seeing each other for a year we picked up right where we left off like nothing. Yeah we were mad but it's not like we didn't talk about it and things weren't awkward. I could just be trying to prove something, but I just can't help that gut feeling ya know. Although, he did say he'd work on his insecurity and maturity issues, so I guess it's a start. I'm still keeping my distance...sort of. :) I'm still keeping my eyes peeled though for other possibilites. I told him that too. I guess that's why he realized I mean business. Hmm...we'll see what happens. Thanx.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 8:23am

Actually, I agree with Marie. What you are experiencing with Ryan is a soul mate connection, but that doesn't neccessarily mean this is the right soul-mate connection for you to partner with for the rest of your life in a romantic relationship.

I have had friends that are soul-mates. One I speak to maybe twice a year and everytime it's so fun an easy to reconnect. A soul-mate isn't always someone your meant to spend the rest of your life with nor is every person you feel romantic love for.

I've been in love two other times (other then my fiance). The first was with my high school sweetheart. We were together for 7 years. We DEFINITELY loved each other and he was my very best friend at the time. But when he popped the question I started to think long and hard about whether this was really a relationship I wanted to be in for the rest of my life and the answer was "No". There were too many ways we weren't compatible. Too many ways he didn't get me and one of those things was he was a lot less mature then I was. So, I ended it because I knew it was best for me and settling for him and trying to force something that wasn't right wasn't good for either of us. But that doesn't change that we loved each other or that he will always have a place in my heart.

The other time was with someone who I believe was another soul mate we connected very easily and we remained very good friends even after we broke up until he had a new girlfriend who was insecure about our friendship, which I understood. We were together for three years. Ultimately he ended things but I genuinely believe it hurt him as much as it did me. He was just in the position I had been in with my previous love. He loved me but he knew I wasn't the right match for him for the rest of his life, looking back it's easy for me to see that too. Our values were similar but different enough to cause some problems in a lifetime partnership.

My point in telling you all of this is that I can guarentee you that if you levae this relationship it will not NECCESSARILY be the end of your friendship and I can guarentee yoou that if you go looking for love with someone else you will find it and in all likelyhood it will be with someone more compatible and an even more natural match then the one you have with Ryan.

I know it may be tough to believe but I can honestly say that everytime I have been in love I have loved just a little deeper and found someone that's just a little bit better match for me. I've been infatuated many times but I've only been in love three times and number three is the hands down winner.

Don't hang on to something you know isn't right. Letting go is scary, but that doesn't make it the wrong thing to do. Follow your instincts and your brain, don't let your feelings make this choice for you. Don't let guilt or fear or even love prevent you from doing what you believe deep down is right for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 9:32am
Yes, I understand what you're saying. Right now I'm personally confused as to how to be able to tell if it is just friendship in disguise. I mean yes even though he's immature relationship wise we have a lot in common. We both have the same interests in music and art. We both have the same sense of humor, the same political views, we both grew up in the Catholic church and unfortunately dislike it, we are both very open-minded and like to have a good time. We both want to end up living in California. He wants to go b/c of the music industry and I want to go b/c I want to write for a magazine (and I just love California). We've talked about the future before and we both see eye to eye with what we want. When ever a topic of marriage comes up it's like if we're both thinking about the same thing. :) The other day I saw my friend's new puppy and I was thinking about all the animals I want to have when I have my own house and he's like "we can have all the animals you want even a zoo." :) I guess when I start school and start to meet more people then I'll be able to compare. Right now, I know he's working on his problems and maybe in essence that should give me reason to leave him alone and go off on my own, but my heart is telling me stay. I will try and back away. Thanx for your help.


Edited 7/8/2005 10:12 am ET ET by hefinca85

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