He still thinks we're 16...
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He still thinks we're 16...
| Sat, 07-02-2005 - 10:20pm |
Hi,
I saw my ex again after a year last summer. We were together in high school he was 17 and I was 16. (I am about to turn 20 and he's about to turn 21) Things didn't work out b/c I had childhood problems that held me back from being close to him. He didn't really have experience with girls at all. We still loved each other it was obvious but we were both mad at each other. We graduated and didn't see each other for a year and then out of a huge crowd at a concert we saw each other. We started talking again. We told each other a lot of things we hadn't talked about before (the reasons we split). We both were still in love and had never stopped thinking about each other. We kept talking and he kept saying he had a lot of stuff to do before we were together. He's in a band and touring and recording. I know it's a lot of work. The past year I realized he still hasn't grown up yet. I also realized that the band was his excuse to not be with me. He admitted he was still afraid of how he felt about me but that he knew we would be married some day. I was getting really annoyed with his excuses and so I told him that we need to go our seperate ways for right now. (He's been home for the past month and we are still in the same situation...no where) I am finally over my childhood problems and feel as though I need to figure some things out for my self. He at first thought I was kidding, but now he realizes I'm being serious and says that he misses me a lot. He needs to figure some things out too I've told him so. I mean if hes still afraid of this. I've tried to tell him it's OK b/c I'm here with him, but he keeps doing some dumb stuff instead. (like lying to girls just to get my attention and then it ends up getting himself into trouble with them) It's hard for me to stay away from him b/c I truly do love him but I know we need to stop talking for a while. I told him he has a lot of growing up to do and I do too. He doesn't understand it and wishes we could still be like we were, but I know that if I were to come back it wouldn't change. He would still be making up excuses not to be with me. So I'm out on my own now. Has anyone ever done this before? Had to leave someone so that they'd grow up? Do you think there's hope that maybe some day he will? Thanx.
Steph
I saw my ex again after a year last summer. We were together in high school he was 17 and I was 16. (I am about to turn 20 and he's about to turn 21) Things didn't work out b/c I had childhood problems that held me back from being close to him. He didn't really have experience with girls at all. We still loved each other it was obvious but we were both mad at each other. We graduated and didn't see each other for a year and then out of a huge crowd at a concert we saw each other. We started talking again. We told each other a lot of things we hadn't talked about before (the reasons we split). We both were still in love and had never stopped thinking about each other. We kept talking and he kept saying he had a lot of stuff to do before we were together. He's in a band and touring and recording. I know it's a lot of work. The past year I realized he still hasn't grown up yet. I also realized that the band was his excuse to not be with me. He admitted he was still afraid of how he felt about me but that he knew we would be married some day. I was getting really annoyed with his excuses and so I told him that we need to go our seperate ways for right now. (He's been home for the past month and we are still in the same situation...no where) I am finally over my childhood problems and feel as though I need to figure some things out for my self. He at first thought I was kidding, but now he realizes I'm being serious and says that he misses me a lot. He needs to figure some things out too I've told him so. I mean if hes still afraid of this. I've tried to tell him it's OK b/c I'm here with him, but he keeps doing some dumb stuff instead. (like lying to girls just to get my attention and then it ends up getting himself into trouble with them) It's hard for me to stay away from him b/c I truly do love him but I know we need to stop talking for a while. I told him he has a lot of growing up to do and I do too. He doesn't understand it and wishes we could still be like we were, but I know that if I were to come back it wouldn't change. He would still be making up excuses not to be with me. So I'm out on my own now. Has anyone ever done this before? Had to leave someone so that they'd grow up? Do you think there's hope that maybe some day he will? Thanx.
Steph

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I hope it doesn't seem like I'm trying to pressure you to leave your relationship. That truly isn't my intent, but I know it probably seems that way.
So, I'll just add this one last thing. Just keep in my mind this is my opinion based on my experiences.
When you've found a love that will last a lifetime you will know it. It wont be something you have to "make" work or "figure out". It wont be something you have to justify in your own mind or to others.
It sounds like you're a little afraid of being alone, which I can TOTALLY understand. It's only natural. It's so nice to have someone in your life that's your friend and that you cna count on even if that person isn't neccessarily the right fit for you. And sometimes we try to find a way to "make" that person the right fit. Maybe we try to change them, maybe we try to change ourselves or change our standards. And that frankly is probably why so many marriages end in divorce because we're afraid of being alone and never find the right fit so we try to make a close fit the right fit.
Think of it this way. It's not a square peg and a round hole situation it's a round peg that's too nig for the round hole situation. It's so close and so we take a piece of paper and we start sending the peg and using a file to make the hole a little bigger. The trouble is deep down we'll always know we had to force it and over time we resent it. When if we had just been patient we would have eventually found the right peg for the right hole and no one would have to change at all.
It's great that you have things in common but the things you're talking about having in common are not the things that will make a marriage work. Things you may not even know about yourself yet. Like how many kids you want and when would be the right time to have them. What religiion you would raise them. How to handle money. How change tolerant are you? How risk tolerent are you? If your spouse wanted to quit his job and start his own business would that be okay with you.
It's easy to give answer to all those questions off the top of your head, but the reality is those are not easy questions to answer. It's easy to say for example I would support my spouse if he wanted to start his own business. But the reality is that he may be the major bread winner and starting a business means losing a stable income. What if you have kids to take care of would you still be willing to give up that stable income and health insurance and retirment savings?
I guess what I'm really trying to let you know is I know it feels really bad thinking about this realtionship ending. It feels bad everytime a realtionship ends. But better for it to feel bad for a while now then for years when you're married and maybe there are kids to consider and your filled with resentment becasue you tried to make something fit when deep down you knew it didn't.
You don't have to convice me or anyone that this is the right guy for you, just don't make the mistake of trying to convince yourself. And don't mistake the fear or the sadness you might feel at the idea of leaving for true love that can last a lifetime or your heart telling you to stay. It's an easy mistake to make one I've made more then once and one I'm sure most people do.
Obviously, you don't need to figure it out today or tomorrow or even next week. It's not as though you're even engaged. But don't sweep your intuition and your logic under the carpet and pretend they aren't there because you love him or becasue you're afraid of being on your own again.
Being on your own is a really good thing it gives you time to get to know yourself and do things on your own without worrying about what others think. It's pretty liberating. I think everyone should be completely on her own for at least a year. It empowers you, becasue after that you always know, for a fact, that you can make it on your own.
Hi,
I know you're not trying to push your beliefs on me b/c when you're giving advice you just give what you know. I do it to friends and family and even people on this board.
I just wanted to reiterate, I was alone for a year. Away from him, pretty much away from everyone and in that time I realized a lot of things but I felt the need to see him again to really understand some things and amazingly he appeared out of no where. I know I'm really young (only about to turn 20) and have my whole life ahead of me. I'm just taking one day at a time and seeing what happens and how I should take it. I'm not really afraid to be alone b/c in essence I have been alone for a while now. I've had chances in the past to start relationships but I didn't b/c I didn't feel any type of connection with those guys. They were good-looking, maybe funny, some smart, and some really kind but they weren't all three. I still have a lot of time before I make that decision of a life long commitment to someone. I know what you're trying to say about the peg metaphor. Many women try to change men and some men don't want to change at all. Maybe that's best that way, but some people change b/c they need to for themselves. I have. I've been through a lot of change in my life not only for my personal well-being but also for love. Not only for the love that I feel for him but the possibility of love anywhere. If I hadn't gone through that change then I wouldn't be where I am today. Most of the time change is better especially if it is for your own good. Thank you for all your advice. I'm glad I heard your perspective on what I'm feeling right now b/c you have been through it before. I like to hear different opinions on my views. Thanx again and I hope all goes well for you.
Steph
I was heading to bed, and decided to check the board again. I will tell you at your age I was married and my uncertantiy lead my down a deep deep road. I loved my sons father and still do, we had a kiship something that to date no man has crossed.
I made the post about about what is meant to be for all the posts here but will ask you to keep an eye on it. Back then what was meant was that what is worked to made to be. It was because my determination and my point of view it was meant. He may be feeling down the same reason asyou... this relationwship is familiar and many guys do not want to leave it as much as we. But, from all your post all I see is a frendship that will still be there. I had my first love at 16 and we tried again adter 10 yrs to see if it was meant to be but we are meant to be friends and grow from each other.
Come back in 6 months and give us update and read all these posts and tell us the change is all I can say. Your fighting with yourself no matter what is said here. Good luck and best wishes.
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