Is he too damaged? And just my friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2008
Is he too damaged? And just my friend?
Sat, 05-09-2009 - 5:11am

For two weeks now, I have been hanging out with a wonderful guy who is a few years older than me (he's 30 to my 23). We have been talking every night for hours, and we go out a couple times a week. He buys me dinner, brings me chocolate....but we haven't even kissed.

A little under 2 months ago, he more or less broke with his girlfriend of 10 years (!) for the final time, a process that had apparently been going on for 7 months or so. He's clearly upset, still, and I totally understand. 10 years is a long time.

A few days ago, I brought up that I had feelings for him. I told him I didn't expect anything, and that I really wanted him in my life, but I needed to know if he only intended to be friends with me--I had sensed chemistry but couldn't be sure.

He admitted he was starting to become attracted to me and that his situation was still a little complicated.

I just spent quite a bit of time with him the last couple days. I found out that he was actually in therapy, and that he had told his therapist about me, and that for the first time in a long time, he was starting to feel happy. We were together for almost an entire day of movie going, dinner eating....

The most "action" I got was when I was feeling really miserable about a family situation and was on the verge of tears when he hugged me, rubbed my back, and let me rest in his arms. But I feel like a good friend would have done that too, maybe I'm wrong.

So what gives? He knows that I'm into him, he seemed to be pretty sure he was into me...but he just left with a nice hug but not even a kiss. We've already achieved an insane emotional intimacy in my opinion...but just no physical action.

Is this a sign this guy is too damaged? I really, really, really like him, and would be willing to wait for him, but would like to know if he's actually wanting to move forward. I can't afford to get heartbroken, not to mention I can't waste my time if he is sure he wants to be friends with me.

If anyone has any insight, type away. I'm at a total loss here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Sat, 05-09-2009 - 8:23am

Greeneyes, I can tell you a lot about leaving a long relationship. It's 200% easier to become attracted to someone significant in your life and want to put 200% effort into winning a new girlfriend. "For the first time in a long time, I feel happy" is probably the most-often used phrase among people who left a long-term relationship and just got into a new one. That's because he's feeling the rush of chemicals in his brain that he hasn't had in about ten years.

Yes, this guy is damaged, I'm not saying he's a bad man, but he left a very, very long relationship so recently that of course he's going to be affected by it for a while, and I would not be surprised if he's waiting to kiss you because he doesn't feel ready. Greeneyes, you have to look at the reality of the situation - This is a REBOUND RELATIONSHIP. While there is a small chance things could work, most likely he will have to go through a lot of healing in order to truly be ready to fully give his heart, and if he TRIES to give his heart to you fully too soon, there will be real consequences.

Tread slowly and carefully with this guy. I know you really*3 like him but be VERY careful of giving too much too soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
Mon, 05-11-2009 - 4:04am
I can give you a little piece of advice and that is to defiantly take it slow. You don't want to be the rebound girl. That happens quite a lot after a serious relationship ends. In this case after so much time has past and you feel it is worth it to proceed then I would but be sure that he is completely over his ex.


Baby 2 will be here August 22, 2010!