Is he using me? HELP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
Is he using me? HELP.
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 1:40pm

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now. Throughout this past year I have had a better job than him and make about three times the amount he does. He says he wants to be with me and marry me, but shows no real effort to go out and get a real job to support me. He says he wants to go back to school, but again, shows no real effort. He constantly has handouts from his family all the while I'm busting my ass to make my money to support me. We have decided that we are going to work toward moving in together (i'm having doubts), but I'm the only one that has saved any money to do so. Even though I said all that, theres still a part of me that loves him so much, that I just cant bear the fact of breaking up with him and starting over with someone new. When we dont have the worry or think about money or moving out or going to school, we're absolutely perfect. We have such a personal and emotional connection...but when it comes down to money...and wether he is going to be a good husbend and support me is completely different.

I'm so confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 4:54pm

Moving in together or getting married under these circumstances would be about the worst thing you could possibly do.

He's so used to being handed money by his family, why should be go out and start a career? He doesn't have to support you. You support yourself. I highly suggest against any arrangement, especially living together, wherein you are relying on this guy to hold up his end of a financial agreement.

Have you spoken with him about this? If I were you I'd say "I'm not moving in with you until you can prove that you can support yourself for at least six months. I have to protect myself financially and the way things stand, I would be worried if we moved in together."

Some guys are great people, you may have a wonderful chemistry and connection but that doesn't make them a good prospect for marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2009
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 10:14am

You’ve pretty much answered your own question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 6:05pm

First of all, the first thing that stood out to me was the fact you keep saying "how can he support me?" Why does HE have to support YOU?? If you're doing fine supporting yourself why can't you both do your fair share of it?

Second of all, I totally understand the fact that he is not trying and seems lazy in getting a decent job or career going. Sometimes guys need a wake up call so that they can start moving toward a goal in life. This happened to my brother b/c he's a momma's boy and he also has a chronic disease but can work and go to school and lead a normal life he just has to watch what he eats and go to the doctor more often than most.

After going through a horrible I guess you could call attack from the disease he had to have a serious operation and was out of work and school for months. This led him to think a lot I mean what else could he do while he was in bed most of the time for a few months. After recovery, he finished school, he started pursuing his career more clearly, he met a great girl, he moved out on his own, he did all of the stuff we knew he could do. He's now going back to school again to get another degree to further improve his career chances. So again, guys that are spoiled like this need a wake up call. Sometimes it's best to leave them so that they can realize what's truly going on. You can't wait around for him to change for you b/c he can only do it for himself. Not until HE realizes what is best for HIM will he be able to be in a serious relationship with you or with anyone.

Hope this helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 8:54pm

Doesn't sound like there is much of an issue besides the money.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 2:48pm

I believe in being with people who share core values and qualities such as compassion, economically self sufficent, emotionally maturity, self awareness, curiosity, intelligence, and being the best you can.

You may want to create a list of what is important to you.

You already know your boyfriend's values and qualities.