Heartbroken & Confused. Need advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2006
Heartbroken & Confused. Need advice.
1
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 3:18am

My ex & I were together for a total of two years. We were not living together. When we met, I was 28 & he was 24. The first year had its ups & downs but mostly ups. He was at my apartment for a week at a time. I lived alone & he had roommates so it was easier to be at my place. We really had a great first year. We would go visit his brother/sister in law about 2 hours from where we lived. It was really very comfortable & we were very happy.
The only thing in his life he wanted to change was jobs. He needed a new job. He applied for several jobs out of his field & got an interview on the east coast. He had been looking for a while with very little luck & he was very discouraged. When he was offered the job on the east coast, he took it without talking to me about it first. A month later he moved 3000 miles away from me. I was crushed but didn't really know what to say. He wanted the job so bad that I couldn't tell him no, besides, it was too late.

We started seeing each other every 3-4 weeks & that lasted almost a year but everytime we saw each other there was a problem. I know now that I was just so bitter about his leaving that it was wearing on the relationship & he was bitter at me for not moving, which at the time I couldn't. I was getting certifications at my job that I had worked very hard to get. I needed 8 more months at the time he accepted his new job. I couldn't do anything. One other big issue was sex. I have chronic pelvic pain, which was diagnosed in the first 4 months of our relationship. It definitely made things difficult for us.

Eight months after he moved, we were on the rocks. I decided we should see other people but sex was NOT allowed. I met a guy and started hanging out with him. I was straight forward with him about my boyfriend & told him the situation. He was cool with it & knew we had boundaries that I did not want to cross. I was in love with my boyfriend. My ex was dating around and met someone soon after & decided to move to the "next level." We had planned a vacation together months earlier & despite my feelings, he still wanted to go. I suspected a break up but hoped he wouldn't do it. We had fun. We met up with a mutual friend who had just moved to the area. He was in a new relationship of 4 weeks & was moving in with this girl. It made it difficult on me to watch how happy they were together. I wanted that with my boyfriend but in the end I flew west & he flew east. That was 3 years ago. I could finally move east. I got my certifications & am able to move anywhere now.

We have been in touch many times over the years & he has been through at least 5 relationships since. Told him last week I'm still in love with him & he said he is not over me & still loves me. The rub is he recently joined match.com & is looking for a serious relationship. Why not with me? Sex is too infrequent for him & he can't handle the fact that I am sometimes in pain during sex. He said he felt pressured to get engaged in order for me to move east with him all those years ago & he is afraid of marriage, which I knew. He says there is NOTHING ELSE about me he would change. What do I do? I can't stop thinking about him. It's been 3 years since our break up & for ALL 3 years he has been on my mind at least once during EVERY SINGLE DAY. I have no desire to date anyone else. I want a boyfriend & to share my life with some, hell, I'd like to get married in the next few years. I thought about joining Match.com several months ago because I'm lonely BUT in the end, I couldn't because all I can do is think of him & what I can do to get back together. He said he wants to see me when I have fully recovered from my recent back surgery. I am at my parents house recouping, it's been 6 months. The truth is I want to see him now & I'm on the east coast. My parents said they would leave for a weekend if he came up. They would leave town so we could have the house to ourselves. How can I get him to come see me instead of waiting months for my recovery? HELP ME!! I need advice from both men & women. I'm really messed up over it.

Edited 5/15/2006 4:04 am ET by goddessmooboo




Edited 5/15/2006 4:06 am ET by goddessmooboo
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 12:33pm

Well, you both have dated other people, have seen that it doesn't quite seem to work, and want to see if you can give it another go.

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