help

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
help
6
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 7:29pm

Dear Is It Meant to Be,

For the past six years I have been sleeping with a friend of mine whom I have know since grammar school. In fact I gave him my virginity a few years ago. It started when we were 18 yrs...we went out once and then I got mono(from high school not from him) and I would run into him(through life guarding) after that. I used to hang out with he and his brother and a group of kids. Then we went out again a few years later. We went to a movie and then I asked him if he wanted to sleep over my house. He started sleeping over my house(as I lived by myself) and we did not really get too heavy until two years later. When he came over he would just cuddle with me and go to sleep b.c he knew that I did not want to have sex with him. We both had crushes on each other so I was in heaven just to snuggle with him. He would always come over after he had been out and I would do the same. Our habits were to go out with friends separately and then meet each other at my house once a week after say 2am and sometimes if neither of us went out , he would come over at 9pm ..but it was always at night. I finally slept with him soon after and ever since we have been sleeping together on and off for the past 4 yrs. I have only had 2 other sex partners and I have always wanted him. He is very aloof and hard to read b.c its obvious he wants sex from me and I feel that he is using me but then I remember that I initiated a lot of our times together. Sometimes when I don't want to sleep with him , he still asks to come over and we just go to sleep. He holds me all night and he is so warm and affectionate when I get him alone. I have recently over the past year been dating someone in a long distance relationship..and now he(tim) and I have decided to take a break as he wants to date others and not be so serious due to the distance. I feel like I will always prefer my childhood crush over any man..but I also know that he and I will never be a couple the way I want( I could be wrong) Still knowing this im foolish b.c I still sleep with him. I just have a hard time telling him "no". I told him 10months ago that we were not friends anymore and that we should not talk anymore. He was hurt by this and immedeately came over to talk with me about things between us..he told me that he felt my outburst to be harsh and that he still likes me. I found out there was a lot of miscommunication between us... he complained that I have never really initiated a relationship and that while I was with him I was dating someone else so why would he take me seriously. In fact I was prematurely engaged after a year relationship with another man(whom I never slept with and decided to wait until marraige). I called off the engagement two months later after facing the fact that this person did not really know me or my dreams and I was not in love..I was young but not in love. Afterwards, I gave my virginity to my friend as I felt that I would always love him no matter what and I would never be dissapointed by him or bitter towards him. But I digress...My friend knew about this and he assumed that I was sleeping with this person also..but later he understood that he was my first. However, he still relayed his discomfort in having a relationship or initiating one for that matter. Point taken but I am still unable to break away from him..I feel he is the only man that I will ever love unconditionally. I feel like I should decide to move on and never sleep with him or just make up my mind that if I can't be with the one I really want then I won't be with anyone. I have really fallen for this Tim(the long distance guy..not the ex-fiance') person but its only through convincing myself that I can't be with the one I want. I feel its not fair eventhough a lot of people work that way. I am asking how I can get over him and move on completely..I mean he and I have been doing this for about six years and we have been having sex for fours years...so I have told him numerous times and then gone back on my word. He does not force himself so I can't blame him..im the one who says no thanks and then calls him after two weeks or so. Both he and I get in this situation where we sleep together once a week. I go to his house now b.c he has his own place. We watch movies and we have so much chemistry that I just don't know how to walk away. Its hard also b.c he was my first. I don't feel that its "booty call" b.c those things don't last several years..or maybe im wrong...its not a wham bam thanx mamm thing so he throws me off. I just feel like he is so warm and we really click... and I don't even have orgasms all the time..just hugging him makes me feel so deeply fulfilled and I have never felt that level of closeness with any man ..but I want a family some day and children so I don't want to waste my life away giving him all of my love..including my body..its really difficult for me to cut things off and not go back to him. Yesterday he and I slept together and I gave him some CDs of songs that let him know how I really feel. I have never given him anything so I think that made him feel good...I also gave him a swifter to help him in the cleaning process of his new place. I have decided that I love him and that I want him to be happy with someone else if not me..I don't want him to go through life thinking that whats between us is to the depth of a relationship he can have with a woman. His girlfriend cheated on him in college and ever since then I have never known him to have a serious girlfriend..we are 28 and 30(me) so I just don't think out behavior is healthy.
His friends have made jokes in the past that he is going to marry me one day and my friends make fun of me b.c I always tell them that " im not going to talk to him anymore"...my friend tells me that I have been saying that for years. I am just so caught up with him and I don't know how to leave him alone..I get so happy when he calls me even if its just at night on the weekends..we both get dressed up as if its a date..he showers and lights candles..arrrrghghghghg so thats my dilema...now we both work and im going to school for my PhD so we hang out earlier..he will call me at around 4pm to see if I want to come over around 8pm...I make jokes after we are done having sex..I say " well im going to go thanks for everything" ..we both laugh and he always pulls me to him and asks me to stay over with him. Its just that I can go a few months without being with him but it seems as though it is never a permanent hiatus..
I need to get over him and not want him anymore..it hurts me to think that if I end up in a good relationship with someone else that if my friend were to one day come around and say "I love you" and I want to be with you ..I would have a hard time not leaving who im with. Does this mean that I won't ever be 100% connected with any man b.c a small part of me will be wishing that he wanted me instead? He is the only person that I could see myself loving no matter what he does..I know that love is not voluntarily putting yourself in jepordy for the other person but im just afraid...im sure he will settle with someone if not me...then ill be forced to deal with this reality..I don't want to wait for that to happen. I also don't want to continue doing this with him forever...I mean both of us will never be able to have serious relationships as long as we are sleeping with each other. What's your advice? Please be gentle:)
thanks sincerely
Thalia

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: number113
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 7:46pm
Oh my gosh! I just posted almost the exact same thing earlier today - it's the post directly underneath yours. (how to tell if ex wants something real). Personally (and obviously based on my own similar experience), I want to believe there is something deep there between you and he - after six years there is a connection that can't be undone very easily and maybe it shouldn't - but you have to find out if both parties want to try to give it a real 'go'... if he doesn't - ask why, ask what it is that makes him feel it would never work out. Because I think if you never know what it is stopping him from being with you - you will always wonder about what could have been. A lot of people would probably say to cut the ties because that is the only way to really walk away - and I think that can be true - but befrore you do that you must find out how he truly feels. I share your story in that I don't think it's just a booty call situation for you guys - those situations are more cut and dried - this one is more emotionally involved and that's why i think there could be something there but maybe you are both scared - either scared to admit it or scared to try it - or scared to walk away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
In reply to: number113
Mon, 11-28-2005 - 9:41pm
Hello Sweetie! I have to agree with Londoness75. From reading your post you two are so very emotionally connected which makes it very hard if you were decide to step away. As you probably are aware being a woman and all, it is very difficult to separate sex and true love, throw in the emotional part and generally speaking - we are in a ball of confusion. I am in a M-D r/ship with me being the Dec. Started out as FWB, that was 6yrs ago. We now live together making 4yrs now. Can't honestly say that it will last a lifetime - but know he knows he has my lifetime guarantee of friendship. My best to you. I hope the other folks here will post to you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: number113
Tue, 11-29-2005 - 2:52pm

Well, I will tell you this… It can and will last for years. As long as you continue to be the sex partner why would he change status quo. He can date and continue to live life and still get it on this side. I had my FWB that I loved dearly. We meshed well, hung out all the time even doing things during the day. I met his family he even told me one day not to be surprised if I woke up day and we were married. He was addictive. I know if he still lived in the same area we would still be having sex and I would still be going in circles if this will become more. Not to say we wouldn’t have eventually dated or something but he wasn’t ready. How do I know he wasn’t ready. Well the few yrs we were sex partners and tried dating no dating but continued the sex and enjoyed hanging out. He moved out of town met a woman and was married within a year. Glad I didn’t hold my breath but he still was open for sex when he first moved. I am glad I didn’t he may not have met his wife because of us who knows but it was of benefit of him moving. So for you that may be your only way out is moving away, you can keep in touch because so does this guy and I. But, that is because we were always good friends but needed the distance to stop the roller coaster ride of sex.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: number113
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 11:57pm

Just out of curiosity - did you happen to find out what it was about that new woman that made him marry her over you? I'm just curious... I am always amazed at how guys can be so close with someone for so long and then very quickly after, marry someone else. It doesn't seem that simple to me, i often wonder if it's because they grab at something new and settle because they're tired of the race and don't even truly know what they feel anymore. Just wondering, it would sure help to know this sort of thing to understand how one relationship can work over another. How could they possiblyh know that new person as well as they know the person they've spent so much time with? that's what confuses me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
In reply to: number113
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 1:32am
I just got a phone call from an ex this week telling me he is getting married. He and I had dated for over 2 years and we had seriously discussed getting married and the logistics. But we broke up (and have been broken up for 3 years) When he called to tell me he was getting married, he told me he had had many health problems over the past year that made him realize how mortal he is and how time is quickly passing. I'm sure the woman was also a better fit for him than I was, but I can't help but wonder if his feeling of fragility was part of the reason.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: number113
Thu, 12-01-2005 - 8:56am
He told me that she was the one. He couldn't believe it but knew that it was right. I understood because as much as I cared for him and him me I know men know when they have the one and have no problem making the commitment to keep her around. He followed his instinct and they are doing great together. Matter factly I talked to him the other night on IM and he is still as happy when he first met her. As I tell many others when you are the one the guy will do everything in his power to get you and keep you so do not waste your time on someone who doesn't seem to be interested or is hesitant to commit because there is a reason he wont.

Marie

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