Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Help
3
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:26am

Hello everyone...I need help. I will try to give a brief overview of the problem. I am engaged and am deep into planning a September wedding. We have had our share of problems, but I proceeded because I want to work out things out, but am beginning to worry that we will never work them out. We have been dating for 5 years, and engaged for about 1.5. a little over 3 years ago I cheated :-( I kissed another woman, but nothing more. I never thought of myself as someone who would do this, but it happened. I admitted it to her, and spent alot of time in the dog house. But I want to stay committed to her, and nothing has happened since.

The real problem is that I have no life. I am not allowed to go out on my own, and when I do, it always turns into a big deal. To make things more complicated, I have 3 good female friends, and only a couple of guy friends. It has been this way since before we started dating, its nothing new, and none of my friends are new within the last 5 years. Is it fair of her to ask me to give up my female friends, even though I have no sexual history with them? I am wrong to want to keep hanging out with them even when I am engaged. What will she expect after we are married??? :-(

She says I need to earn trust again. But its been over 3 years...havent I earned it yet?? If not, how do i earn the trust if I am never allowed out on my own?

Help...advice...comments...anything...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: fiziksgeek
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:15pm
DON'T GET MARRIED!!!!!!!! It has been 3 yrs and I know you can't forget but she hasn't forgiven you for the wrong doings. Until she does do not cross that river. Try some counseling between the two of you before and see if that eases things if not I would not stick around because it will only get worse after that.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
In reply to: fiziksgeek
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:45pm

I'd have to agree...POSTPONE THE WEDDING NOW NOW NOW!!!!

Look, it's a helluva lot easier to stop the wedding now, than it is to get divorced. So, I highly suggest you tell her you want pre-marital counseling NOW. And if you want to go forth with the plans, please please please know you CAN walk out before you say "I do". I've been divorced twice, divorce and marriage, aren't "things you just do", it's a lifetime commitment. You don't go into it with fears, and hopes of things changing. Only to get divorced in 6 months because nothing changed.

I also think, if she hasn't forgiven you in 3 years, she never will. She obviously is holding it over you. Love will not conquer all. And if she can't trust you, even now, after 3 years, and assuming you've ACTED trustworthy, then she never will.

In fact. I would say, if you truly want to be with her, go to marraige couseling NOW. SHE needs to get past this BEFORE you say "I do".

Also, many women get caught up in the wedding plans, and all they see is a WEDDING, instead of a MARRIAGE. I am wondering if all she sees is a WEDDING and that's all she wants, because so far, it doesn't seem she wants a good marriage, just a cool wedding.

Good luck.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
In reply to: fiziksgeek
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 3:16pm

I totally agree with the other posters. Put off the wedding until this can be resolved.

It absolutely positively is NOT fair of her to expect you to give up your female friends or to keep you on such a tight leash as a condition of your relationship.

Your fiance has not learned soemthing VERY important to know about trust and love. FIRST, you can't have one without the other, well at least you can't have a HEALTHY love without trust. SECOND, trust CANNOT be EARNED, it must be given. The criteria every person uses to decide whom to trust and whom not to is unique but ultimately it is a choice they make to give it or not.

There will be no epiphany, no music playing or Allejuia chours, that will elt her know that it is SAFE to trust you again. She will simply have to decide you are worth the risk and go on faith.

This is something I think I know a LOT about, because I've been there. There is one girl in particular that my fiance is friends withthat I have never met. He works with her. She redecorated his bathrrom for him as a gift shortly after we started dating, she was his power of attorney (until I came along, he switched it on his own after a few months of dating me) in the event he was deployed, she took care of his cat when he was out of town, she had a key and let herself in and out of his apartment whenever she felt like it, she was possive of him, etc., etc. I had reason to feel threatened.

BUT I also had a lot more reasons to trust him and to believe he loved me and that he was never and would never be interested in her.

It took a long time (no where near three years, but a long time) for me to give him back my trust. But more important then weighing the "evidence" or over-analyzing everything with my girlfriends were the things I learned with their help and a lot of inward reflection.

I was insecure and that WASN'T his fault. I needed to address that and I needed to accept that I was either going to have to trust him or let him go, because it wouldn't be fair to either of us for us to live the way you're describing. That's just asking for a life of doubt, and pain, and suspicion, it's no way to spend a marriage.

Only she can decide to trust you again, but she needs to realize that's a risk she'll have to take, the leap of faith she'll have to make, if the two of you are going to have any hope of being happy.