Help I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Help I need advice
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 3:54pm

Help... I have been seeing this wonderful man who lives out of state, 2 hrs from me. He told me in the beginning that he would not move because he promised his kids they would not move again ( he moved 2 other times ) . That new in love feeling took over and I said I would move if it continued. Well its been a year later , I have 3 children who are NOT adapatable at all. They dont know about him yet, he has 3 kids that dont know about me yet. We kept it quiet for the sake of finializing

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 5:23pm

So why move at all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 2:59pm

I also would like to know has this year long dating been just one day a week you see each other?

He was not being selfish. I think he was doing you a service by telling you right in the beginning that he will not move since he promised his kids. You could always ask to see if that holds true, but he told you for a reason. It was a deal breaker for him.

I don't think this is about whose kids would adapt more, it's about his deal breaker that he told you up front in the beginning.

Also, I once didn't feel I couldn't leave home in order to go to college. College was 3 hours away. My dad was an alcoholic and in bad shape and he was only 40! But I tried to not let that burden make me stay. I went to school anyway.

I would have a talk with your parents about home care or what they plan to do when they can't care for themselves. It shouldn't be up to just the kids, or child, in this case. Your not abandoning them and turning them over to the "system." But you also cannot be responsible for their day to day care if they get ill. I personally am going to make sure that I have saved enough so that I have professionals care for me, and not make my children do it.

Since your kids have not even met, I would not even consider a move for one IOTA until you have had plenty of family gatherings. You need to see the dynamics, and you're going to have a lot of them. Does he even go to your family functions, and you to his?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 4:25am
I believe it's way too soon for either of you to consider moving, since both of you have families that would need to adapt to each other, and the dynamics of that is terribly complicated. You don't want to even try to make that work until you've given the two of you a fair try WITHOUT the rest of the baggage. So I suggest you and him try to find a compromise so you could spend more time together somewhere in the middle, maybe rent a place where you could spend a sort of "trial life together", see how that works out, and only start discussing "moving" when you are both convinced that the two of you living apart for the moment is the only thing that keeps you from being perfectly happy together.