Help me 3 months in: What is happening?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Help me 3 months in: What is happening?
17
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 3:57pm

I am here hoping that someone here might be able to help me figure out what if anything I should do. I am a guy looking for some earnest advice and insight.

3 months ago I started dating this fabulous woman. I met her online. In the beginning we were both e-mailing many many times a day and talking on the phone all night. Every time she talked she said she couldn't wait to communicate again. We met and sparks flew and our interest grew. We committed to hanging out several times a week and talking every day. Throughout the first few weeks she would tell me that she had enough break-ups and bad experiences that we must take it slow and be cautious. As result she would shift from some emotional distance occassionally to emotional closeness where she would be super affectionate. This was okay and I understood why she was doing what she was doing because I have rushed into things before as well under illusions only to have reality show itself.

Then in the 2nd month she suggested that I should be at her place a lot more and maybe even consider moving in sometime. This was both scary and exciting. So we started talking about it. Then as time went on she seemed to become more and more distant to the point where she didn't even seem to like me touching her physically. I noticed she seemed stressed and anxious and didn't seem to enjoy our time together as much.
I raised all of this and she said that she feels we may have missed some steps. She feels guilty because she feels I am more ready than she is and she feels she is causing me distress. She wants to keep spending time together but is stressed about the living together. So we changed that decision and also thought we should make sure to spend some time doing our own thing. Normally she e-mails me a lot and wants to talk and expresses that she misses me. Now she is not doing that as much but she is calling and e-mailing but just not being as affectionate. She also says she wants me to be around with her and she really sees long term potential between us but her distance and recent lack of affection scares me a bit. Sometimes she contacts me a,ot throughout the day. Sometimes very little. It is kind of confusing. I never get upset with her about that as I figure she has her reasons although I do miss the more regular contact when it isn't there and it sometimes scares me a bit.

Is there anything I can do? Should I back off a bit and give her space? Should I reassure her? Should I tell her that whatever she needs we can talk about it? I really like her but the distance sometimes scares me and makes me anxious as well. Any advice is most appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 4:26pm

I see how that could be very confusing and frustrating for you! :(

Right now, it sounds like she's pretty confused also and trying to figure out what she wants. I can't think of much you could do besides let her have some space, and wait it out. Do let her know that you're there for her anytime she wants to talk about anything, and that you're ok with giving her that space.

That said, be sure not to let it hang in that confusing distance space for months or anything... there ought to be a limit on how long she takes to get herself together enough to at least start talking to you about it.

And, standard disclaimer here: Nobody knows the situation better than you, and it can be difficult to tell what is truly going on from a post, so ultimately, do what YOU think is best.

Good luck and I hope everything works out well for you!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 5:30pm

She may be fabulous, but she doesn't sound very emotionally healthy! Talking about living together when you've only been dating for a little over a month is a big red flag...especially when she earlier said that she wants to take things slowly and be cautious! One of the biggest hallmarks of emotional health is consistency between words and actions, and she appears to be lacking that.

I don't really think it matters what you do; if she's not emotionally healthy, then she can't be in a healthy r'ship. But if you're determined to keep seeing her, I'd scale things back and only see each other 2-3 times a week and talk on the phone once on the days you don't see each other. See if she regains her equilibrium or not....

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 6:45pm

So here is what I am wondering because there was one other relationship I think I messed up in.

When faced with this distance and after it is raised as an issue by us but still exists but the person still wants to hang out and be together and seems committed to the long term is it better to:
- just wait it out and give space or reassurance or support and let her go through it and figure things out?
- or is she trying to get me to draw some personal boundaries of my own as to what I will put up with or not. Is she trying to draw me out to say, "I need more from you". Or will that just be pressure and drive her away because she will feel she isn't good enough or that I need a different type of relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 9:40pm

I haven't read the other post but I think she is afraid of losing herself in you. I have been there and continue to struggle in that area. When I like a guy I want to spend lots of time with him and at first (especially since I meet many guys online) things seem to go great and I want things to keep going but once I think or a friend mentions they haven't saw me for a while I pull away. I try to regain myself but the guy has gotten use to being with me. I am currently struggling with that.


When I met my guy we spent lots of time together, I enjoyed it and we began having descussions of marriage and the future. Of course it was soon since I have only known him in person for 2 months if that long. But, everything seemed right. I noticed that I was not hanging with friends much or just relaxing like I use to (I love spending time alone). I was with him and always doing something or with him. I have now drawn away and he mentioned he thought I was being insecure at first and then last night that I didn't want to see him anymore and I just couldn't tell him. I let him know things are fine but I want him to be like before we met and I only compliment him or enhance his life not take away. I am hoping he understands but I think this may be her issue since she has been hurt before and wants to be sure. Good luck and let us know how it goes.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 9:58am

Well asking her about her continual mixed signals would be one good place to start.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

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Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 10:39am

Thanks so much for replying. Your responses are helpful and are giving me some insight.
It is just confusing because she still plans things for us to do together and seems upset or sad if I say I am going back to my place but then she will sometimes sit there kind of spaced out and distant. She will sit on another chair rather than next to me. Then other times she will be right next to me and affectionate.

cl-bastphilliy: I think you may be right. She has mentioned a few times that she feels she hasn't really done things like read or clean or hang out with friends as much when she is with me. I think she is trying to "reclaim" her life and in order to do that is detaching herself from me a bit. I guess I wonder is the distance temporary as this readjustment occurs or is it now more of a permanent thing. In your case how are you dealing with yourself and when your boyfriend says he feels like you don't want to see him anymore.

I think I have become a little more distant as a result but I am always through words and actions trying to make sure she knows I like her. For instance yesterday, she started saying again, that maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if I moved in. I told her that I would rather wait as long as it takes to move in and have everything work out between us rather than rush it and make us feel like we made a mistake and potentially destroy the long-term potential of our relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 10:51am
Right now I miss him terribly and want to see him but I am trying to force myself to go out with friends. I try to make little gestures to do things but then once I do I always think oh I should be or could be doing this or that. I am still trying to figure it out and what they balance will be or where but it is a bit difficult. Especially for me because I have been single for 4 yrs and dating off and on and have never had anything stable as this because I was use to being in control. This time I want it to be balanced and right and I think that is where I am struggling. I am giving up claim to something I am use to having control over (not that it is a bad thing) but finding my balance in it is what the problem is. I will just have to see. Check back with me in a month because this is something on going for me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 10:56am

cl-bastphilliy

Thanks again. I think this is exactly what my girlfriend is doing. She has been single for a couple of years and has mentioned to me a couple of times that the transition from single life is difficult even through she says she really likes being in a relationship. When she was single she always wanted to be in a relationship with someone she liked. Now she is and she is having difficulty with the transition.

I guess I just need some reassurance.

In your case would you end the relationship to reclaim your single life? or do you like him enough to try and work through it to find a balance. I am guessing the latter right now but would like to hear what would make you end it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 11:06am
I am sticking it out, I enjoy having someone to spend time with and he is great with communication which helps because it is something I want. I am working on my problems but constantly hope he is understanding my side which I try to explain but it is hard to express the transition and how it makes you feel. I would not drop him to be single, to me dating is not what it is cracked up to be. I would much rather have him around.

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Registered: 04-30-2003
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 11:55am

My two cents. I think you two should sit down and talk. And make some boundaries.


The first boundary would be....no more talking about "moving in together". Not until you two have a much more consistent r'ship. I would say, put a time to it. Say, we won't discuss moving intogether, until we have been dating a year. That takes the pressure off of even DISCUSSING IT, or turning it down.


Second. She sounds like what Marie said, unsure of herself. It seems like she's fighting herself on what she wants. I bet she's rushed into all her previous r'ships, she sees that's a mistake, so she tries to distance herself from you, to do it "right". in all honesty, she sounds like me when I was making some HUGE changes in my personality in regards to r'ships. I was all over the place. One moment needing reassurance. The next telling the guy I don't need you, I'm secure with myself.


Basically, she's struggling with herself.


The second boundary would be to tell her that you understand she's fighting herself on this, but she needs to be more consistent with her actions. I would talk to her about WHY she does this. If you at least understand it more, it may be easier to deal with.


Third boundary. No more talks about slowing down, etc. Just do it. I think Sheri had a good idea to cut back on communications and even seeing each other. I think once




my pet!

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