Help Needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2006
Help Needed
3
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 9:58pm
Well here’s my story. I’ve been best friends with this girl for about a year and a half now. When I first met her she was just getting out of a bad relationship that she had been in for about 5 years. We started hanging out a lot and quickly we started spending all our time together. It’s gotten to the point were I drive her son to school if he misses the bus and drive her to work almost daily. We hug and kiss like we are together but never in front of anyone and we’ve only had sex once. She has said however that she does not want a relationship but yet I feel like I’m in one. I feel like I get all the bad aspects of a relationship with none of the benefits. Yet every time we fight and we get back together, she starts saying that she wants me and wouldn’t know what to do if I was gone. Everyone one has their faults and I accept them, but it seems everything is always about her and her son, which I can understand but, But what about me. Every time I go out without her she calls me frequently to make sure I answer and if I don’t there’s a fight coming. Listen I’m a guy and I have needs, she has told me she deos’nt want a relationship, which I have told her I do, but fact of the matter is I couldn’t even start dating anyone even if I wanted to. I say this because at my workplace everyone thinks she is my girlfriend and they don’t believe me when I say she is not because she calls frequently. All my friends believe we are together, so anytime I meet a new female friend someone eventually asks how my girlfriend is and ultimately I become the a**hole. I tell them she is my best friend but when everyone calls her my girlfriend it’s hard to tell them otherwise. I will not hide my feelings for my bestfriend and I think I might even love her, but yet am I putting in all this effort on her, and neglecting my own feelings of emptiness. What should I do
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: teddybear2006
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 11:56pm

Teddybear, you're feeling like a doormat aren't you? The secret is to get some gumption and set some ground rules for what is acceptable to you.

first of all, discuss it with her. However, if she's still not interested in a formal relationship with you, then you've got to back off. Break out of this habit where she's getting the benefits and you're being used. Tell her that you'd love to be doing all this stuff with her, but it's too hard for you when your not in a formal relationship. Tell her if it's to be 'just friends' then you will see her once a week like you would a normal friend would.

Most importantly, STOP staying the night. STOP driving her and her son to work. And tell her to STOP calling you at work.

While ever you don't back off, this situation will not change. And no matter how much you want it to, it won't turn into a relationship.

Oh. This business of her calling you when you're out is totally unacceptable. But having said that, you are allowing this to happen. You've got to turn off your phone. And when she gets mad tell her that WE'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP AND I DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER TO YOU. If she tries to argue the point with you, walk out. Do not enable her neediness and don't let her pick a fight when you're doing nothing wrong.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
In reply to: teddybear2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 11:46am

Yeah you do sound like a doormat. Honestly, you need to sit her now and tell her the "ground rules" of what you want out of this. If she can't get it through her head, then move on. You seem that you really like her, but your not so sure about things because of the way she's treating you. Understand that she is using you just like guys use the "friends with benefits" routine, it will hurt someone in the long run. Know that there's plenty of girls out there that are single, nice, and dont have any baggage. You deserve someone better, regardless if it's your "best friend" or girlfriend. After you talk with her, and things aren't agreed upon or changed, then I would just cut bait and move on. Friends dont hurt friends like that, and you ARE neglecting your feelings.

She's having her cake and eating it too, plus she's using her son as bait by you driving him to school. And in this case you are miserable and being used by her.

If you do decide to "cut bait", you should tell her no phone calls/no email/no nothing, cut contact from her, and don't fall for any traps, or anything that will get her around you again EVEN with her son. Cutting bait from someone you still care about is easier said than done. Just telling her that look, I've had enough of your BS, we AREN'T together, stop calling me all the time and get on with your life, I care about you, but right now you and I just can't be friends. Don't promise her ANYTHING...just cut if off...eventually she will understand. Just like men need to be told directly what's on a womans mind, women will appreciate honesty from a man, even if it hurts.

My ex will contact me every now and then, and finds some excuse to contact me. Granted I love my ex, but I know that I need to get over him right now, and not see him. I know that the less I see him and the less I contact him, the better off I will be in the long run. And plus I know that there are men out there that are better suited for me that he was.

As much as it may hurt for you now, you will be better off in the long run. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
In reply to: teddybear2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 12:25pm

You're a guy - but read the book "He's just not that into you" - and you'll get it loud and clear.

She wants someone to rely on, blame, run her errands and pant after her for an ego boost - but she's not into you and your problems, needs, goals, or desires.

If you're not there to serve her - you're of no use and value to her.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com