Help! Once a cheater.....
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Help! Once a cheater.....
| Mon, 08-29-2005 - 11:46am |
I have been dating a man for 5 months. We met on a dating site. Right off the bat it has been difficult for me because he recenly lost his wife and is still mourning her. Our relationship status has been questionable due to that fact, but that is not why I'm writing. My issue is his fidelity. He admitted to me, quite early on, that he was interested in the "swinger" lifestyle. That he and his wife had been talking about it even. Then he also admitted to me that he's cheated on every woman he's been with. Including his wife, the woman he's cared more for than any other previously. He claims he's a sex-addict. I know it exists, I just have my doubts about whether he clinically is an "addict" or just someone who gets very horny and can't seem to stay faithful. Many people probably use the "sex-addict" thing to excuse themselves for having no self-control. I've expressed to him that I worry about him cheating on me. I've had nightmares about it. He says I shouldn't worry about something that may or may not happen, but he's given me no reason to think it won't. He said he felt so guilty about cheating on his wife, the one woman he loved so much, that he told her right away and felt terrible. So what? I never asked how she reacted, or how she delt with his "addiction". He's been on anti-depressants, I think prescribed after his wife dying, which lessen his libido. It hinders our sex-life, though sex is still good, but he says keeps him from straying. Then again, he's been off of them lately and we've been enjoying the sexual benefits. He claims that as long as he stays on them, he won't have a problem. He also claims that since he's been with me, he hasn't even thought about anyone else, but I doubt it given the dating/sex sites. I know that (most) men are very different from (most) women, that they like their porn, etc. but I can't take it. I have been so stressed about all this. I don't want to "swing" and keep telling him so. He thinks it would be a "cure" for his cheating ways. He also thinks that he can persuade me to try it, like he persuaded his wife to finally seriously consider it. I am 99.9% sure I will never want to try it. The "cheating" thing came up the other night because I was watching the show "Cheaters" on tv. He said something about "back in the day" he would've been screwed if someone sent the show after him. At one point I asked him how he even got himself into position where cheating was possible, and he said that he had several women around that he would just sleep around with. Great. One of them I know he's still in contact with because he has a child with her (she was his boss once, they had a relationship, she decided she wanted a kid...). So here I am, worried about all of this and not trusting him. We met on a dating site, and for a long time now, all my accounts on that site and others have been cancelled, my profiles deleated. His are not. He cancelled memberships, but he didn't hide his profile on the site we met on (they keep it up in case you change your mind, so you keep getting "winks" and emails) and got an email the other day he told me about. I told him that I had hid my profile so that I woudn't appear available anymore. I'm tempted to search for him there and see when he was last "active" but I'm afraid of what I'll find. He also keeps browsing this other, more sexually-targeted site, but claims he's "obviously not looking for anyone" since he has me, and claims he gets good tattoo ideas from it. Whatever, that's pretty weak. He claimed that he wasn't paying memeber anymore, and therefore can't respond to people's emails, yet yesterday was telling me about a cool tattoo a girl who emailed him had, and how he asked her about it and she showed him more, one of which was really cool, hence him telling me about it. I was like "I thought you couldn't email them anymore" and he was like "Yeah, there are ways around that though." I don't believe him. I hate it, but I don't trust him. Every time he's on-line when we're hanging out, and I can't see the screen of his lap-top, I wonder. When I'm at work and he pops on-line, I wonder. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm going crazy. I think my health is suffering. I have a chronic illness, and it's been flaring and it's been one thing after another since we met! I don't know what to do. I love him, love his baby daughter, his folks. I'm at there house every day (he lives there) and he and I recently took the baby to the beach and camping over an extended weekend - we really enjoy our time together. We say "I love you" all the time. I do believe he loves me. I could deal with the fact that our relationship isn't quite clear due to his grieving over his wife still, that will work itself out, it's the cheating and swinging thing. I have talked to him several times, but never seem to get all of my feelings and oppinions out. I drafted an e-mail, but I'm afraid to hit "send".
Edited 8/29/2005 11:58 am ET ET by freyaliz
Edited 8/29/2005 11:58 am ET ET by freyaliz

He's flat out telling you he's going to cheat...and if you don't agree and accept an open sex life (swinging), he'll cheat.
So, either you'll be cheated on, or you have to learn to love swinging.
And since you refuse to swing, and are 99.9% sure you will never want to do it, then he'll cheat on you. And he'll just say afterwards, "I told you I would, if we didn't swing". And all you'll be able to do is sit there and cry and say, "I know".
So, my question to you is, "why do you stay with a man, who you KNOW will cheat, who will use the excuse that he TOLD you he will, AFTER he cheats, who wants you to swing, even though you don't want to?"
Lastly, I'm afraid that maybe his wife chose the swinging lifestyle, and had to be conviced by the guy, because she didn't want him screwing behind her back, instaed, she rather KNOW about how "extramarital" affairs that she can approve of the woman or not. Think about it. Some woman would rather swing and keep their guy from straying behind their back, than to lose him to some random women over and over again.
Hugs. I know this isn't easy, but he goes against every moral and value in your soul. why would you stay with him?
~pineapple_girl
Good luck. I know it's not easy, but you're right. You have 3 choices. Accept him cheating and look the other way. Swing with him. Or dump him and find a man who won't cheat, doesn't want to swing, and is as wonderful as this guy can be.
Trust me, try to choose fast. I only say this cuz I'm dealing with this right now, and it's eating at my soul, going against my own morals/values. And since I've put in 3 years, I'm waiting to see if he'll change, because HE says he will and HE says he wants to. different than your situation, but still, it's not easy. and your guy isn't willing to chnage. he expects to change YOUR mind.
~pineapple_girl
I don't understand...if monogamy is important to you, WHY would you get involved in the first place with someone to whom it clearly is NOT important?
Whether he's an addict or not doesn't really matter...but he is someone whose values say it's ok to cheat. Expecting that to change is beyond unrealistic.
Sheri