Help! Paranoid that new guy is hiding me
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Help! Paranoid that new guy is hiding me
| Mon, 04-17-2006 - 11:21am |
I recently got out of a year and a half long (very unhappy) relationship. At the tail end, I met another guy who happens to be wonderful. I was skeptical at first because I thought I was just on the rebound, but three months after meeting, I REALLY like this guy. We've been seeing eachother regularly (and spending about 3 nights a week together) for about a month and a half. Sometimes we go on "dates" or just hang out and do nothing. He cooks for me, we watch cartoons together, and we do spontaneous activities like swimming at midnight in the winter. I've never met anyone who could read me so well, he always knows exactly what I'm thinking. I could really see myself falling for this guy! Here's the problem: While in my old relationship, I gained about 50 lbs (I was on birth control pills) and now I've completely lost my confidence. I mean, I still think I'm attractive, I have a nice face and an hourglass shape, but it's just a lot wider than it was! My new guy is HOT (he's a marine)and we really don't "match" physically, if you know what I mean. Whenever we go out, I feel like people think "what is he doing with her?". The other reason this concerns me is that I haven't met his friends yet. It's only been a month and a half, but he hangs out with them a lot. He's hung out with my friends and fits in perfectly. I'm trying really hard to relax and not be paranoid, but I so don't want to lose him and that makes it hard to just be myself. Everytime I leave his house I wonder if that's the last time I'll see him. So that's why I need advice! When should I start to suspect that he's hiding me? When and how should I ask if he's seeing other girls? How can I relax and just enjoy his company? ANY ADVICE HELPS!! THANKS!

Just so you know guys tend to be much more hesitent to introduce to friends and family then women do. My husband didn't introduce to any of his friends until after we started saying "I love you." and were starting to talk about moving in together. In other words, not until he was sure I was going to be around a while. Your guy is probably no different.
As far as the "exclusive talk"... Here's what I did with my husband. I wanted it to be as casaul as I could make it. So I made sure NOT to introduce the subject by saying something like, "We need to talk... " or "I have an important question..." These sorts of introductions immediately make a guy feel defensive. I don't recommend using them EVER, just dive in when an opportunity arises or even when one doesn't.
So, I waited for a good opening and just said, "You know I think I'm ready for us to make this exclusive and I was wondering if you felt the same way." He said he did and I said, "Well, then I guess we're exclusive now." and he said, "Cool." and we went back to eating our pizza.
No muss, no fuss. No big long drawn out discussion about feelings. He's told me it's one of those moments he knew I was "different". Because I didn't make big deal out of it. I just put myself out there and made it really easy for him to say, "Yes, I want to be with only you." without having to get a "sappy" about it. Of course, NOW he knows I was absolutely scared out of my mind he'd say "no" when I did it; but, hey, no pain no gian. :)
Good luck. Oh and speaking as one chick who gained weight to another. Don't sweat the extra pounds too much. I spent about 8 years dating while overweight and I never had any problems. Sure, I'm certain some guys didn't ask me out because of it, but who cares, they're the shallow jerks and MOST guys AREN'T. MOST guys would much rather be with a chick who is confident and happy and 50 pounds overweight then with a model who is nuerotic and insecure. Work those curves and be happy with who you are, THAT makes you more attractive then losing weight, but remaining insecure, will.
Trust me I can TOTALLY relate. My poor husband, when I first started seeing him I ran into all these trust issues I didn't even know I had. He and my gut saw me through it.
I include my gut, because as absolutely terrifying as falling for him was there was just this constnant voice from deep down that kept telling me to stop worrying it would be okay. NO matter how scraed I got it was still there somewhere. I'd never noticed my gut saying something good before; but, I had learned the hard way to listen to it when it said something bad. So, I decided I'd listen.
I think it sounds like he is pretty into you. Most guys don't get mushy with you unless they are or unless they are total fakers. You can usually tell the fakers because they go too far and try to hard to impress you. You know the type: flowers all the time, speeches about your eyes being like limpid pools (what are those anyway), in general waxing poetic, or actully writing poetry for you. All the stuff that us girls are just supposed to lap up.
Don't blame your friends to much for the bad advice. They're probably just pretty young and inexperienced with dealing with real men. They're used to dealing with little boys (age range 15 to...) who don't understand much other then manipulation. The best way to sort the men from the boys, be direct, be honest, speak your mind, and your heart. The boys will go running. Let them, a real man can handle a real woman. :)
Hi,
It sounds like you and I are in a similar situation... except he is afraid to hang out with my friends! We were supposed to yesterday and I asked him why he didn't want to, and he said he was afraid they wouldn't like him. I told him it was nonsense! He might come out tonight, we'll see! On a different subject, it sounds like you two are dating a guy that is similar, so I'd like your opinions on this... sorry to bust in on your thread!
I also have some major issues, and yesterday I said some pretty mean stuff to him. I apologized for acting that way (the way his ex acts) and I told him I wouldn't act that way again and meant it. Now things are a little strained between us, and I don't really know what to do to make it better. Should I bring it up again or let it go? Buy him a present? I have no idea! I really like him, he is different than most other guys I've dated, doing the call before bed thing and all of that. I don't want this to be ruined because of my stupid behavior. Opinions??? Thanks!
<< Now things are a little strained between us, and I don't really know what to do to make it better. Should I bring it up again or let it go? Buy him a present? I have no idea! >>
No, no need to buy him a present or anything "superficial" like that ... presents don't buy forgiveness or mend pains or hurts. What you do is ... what you said you're going to do ... not act like his ex. Don't say mean or petty stuff. Just by doing what you said you're going to do ... it should be fine. Of course, this doens't happen overnight ... so, don't expect to it ... just BE the girlfriend you want to be. That's all.
Well, it's like I said at the end of my post. Real men, men who are ready to make a commitment to a mature, adult relationship can handle the truth. So tell him the truth. Establish honest and open communictaion.
Do NOT grovel and beg forgiveness. You have apologized and you have been sincere and now, as hard as it is, you need to just wait for his forgiveness. This may take time, because his feelings were hurt and he may need to feel he can trust you with his feelings again. You can't force that, in fact, trying to force it through begging or bribery will only make it that mush harder for him. You just have to be patient and be consistent, by not behaving that way again. Internally, you can help to insure it wont happen again by looking at yourself and figuring out WHY you acted the way you did in the first place.
By understanding your own emotional state and perspective better you can begin to recognize when your feelings are getting away from you and learn to control that emotional response BEFORE you say something you regret again.
Also, you may want to consider letting him get to know your friends one at a time. If he is a naturally shy person it will be much easier for him. Perhaps you are more out-going and gregarious, so it never occurred to you that meeting more then one friend at a time may be intimidtaing for him. Or he may just be insecure. We are often drawn to people who already are the way we would like to be. So your confidence and out-going nature may be what has drawn him to you; but, that doesn't mean it can't become an issue if it prevents the two of you from being able to understand each other.
Talking to each other with love and understanding can prevent different personalities from becoming major stumbling blocks. It can be tough to get a shy guytot open up about how he really feels, but over time they will if they feel safe and secure with you.
When there are obvious and apparent differences in a relationship (such as weight/"attractiveness") there will always, 100% of the time, be insecurities that arise. It would be naiive to say "oh, looks or weight don't matter," because they do! Imbalances like that create instabilities, and you are right to worry. My recommendation is to not worry about that guy, but start working out, become active so you can lose weight naturally and feel great about YOURSELF. Work on building your confidence and self esteem. Go hiking, swimming, rollerblading. Drink green tea every day. You'll see, you've got the right attitude, it will all fall in place for you!
Hanna
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My friend, who is much more overweight than I am, but routinely gets asked out by the hottest guys told me her "secret". She gave me this whole speech that went something like this, "Act like you KNOW you're the smartest, hottest, most interesting b**ch in the world and after awhile you'll believe it. Show him that you're really happy to be with him, but that you don't need him in order to be happy. Don't drool over him or be in awe of him because he's gorgeous, treat him like he's your best guy friend that you also have sex with. Don't be afraid to disagree with him or stand your ground. If he doesn't like it, F**k him! Don't fish for compliments because you already know how awesome you are. I'm not saying act conceited, it's just confidence. And call him when you feel like it, playing hard to get is for dumb barbie dolls". I guess it's not much of a secret, it was just interesting to hear it put into one paragraph.
On a different subject, I'm SO glad I finally asked him about our situation! Since then (it's only been five days) he's opened up a lot more and I've become 100 times more comfortable when we're both together and apart. I used to dread that each time we parted it would be the last time I'd see him. I don't feel that way anymore. It's really nice. He's called me everyday since "the talk" and we talk about things that don't matter. That sounds like a bad thing, but I like when someone just calls because they want to talk to you and not because they need to tell you something specific. It makes me feel more comfortable, like we're getting past the stage where we're trying to be perfect and maintain our mystery.
As for the meeting of the friends, I've relaxed about that too. He's responded really well to me NOT pushing things (I've never asked him when I was gonna meet the friends). It's actually made things move faster than I thought they would if I HAD pushed him. While I still really want to meet them, he knows them well enough to know when a good time would be to introduce us. So I'll meet em when I meet em. Until then, I'm spared the anxiety of whether or not I'll make a good first impression!
Wow, you sound so happy, that's so awesome.
The weight loss thing is awesome too, but it really is like your friend said and I said, the weight really isn't the BIG issue, it's the lack of confidence a person projects because of the weight. That was a really great sumamry she gave you.
A person who is happy with themselves and confindent is guaranteed to find someone good for them if they just keep looking. They aren't guarenteed this by anything more then the fact they believe they will and that they deserve it.
I know it's cheesy, but it really is true, if you believe in yourself you really can accomplish just about anything you want to.