HELP - in serious like with a foreigner
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| Thu, 06-09-2005 - 5:00pm |
I recently started dating a guy who is completely wonderful. He is a graduate student from Europe, but will be leaving to go back to his home country in August. I am devastated, but knew that hewas here only short term. I already have very strong feelings for him and feel sick to my stomach when I think about him leaving. I am not someone who typically falls head over heels for anyone and I tend to be very reserved with my emotions. I have thought about not seeing him (to spare myself the hurt later), but the thought of not seeing him is actually worse than the pain I know I will experience.
My dilemma: Assuming that my feelings do not change and continue to get stronger, what should I do about it? Tell him? What will that really accomplish?? And if so, when and how do I tell him?
Someone, please help! I am so lost and just don't know what to do!
Edited 6/9/2005 6:53 pm ET ET by rebby_90038

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and that is not a good feeling to have. I think people should always be honest with their feelings. You need to let him know how you feel. I know it's soo hard, especially hard to open up. The line where you said "thinking about him leaving makes me feel sick to my stomach" and i just remembered when i was in love that much once where i had those same feelings... Everything happens for a reason... I'd take a chance.. it'd be better than never knowing!
Good luck and keep us posted.
I'd tell him but not expect the feelings to be mutual that way if it isn't, at the very least, you got it out of your system and will no longer have to wonder on the "what if" or the "what could have been".
If you tell him, he'll atleast know and the ball will be in his court. There's a possibility that it will grow or not. The only downside to this is if he becomes egotistical about it. Well, if that happens, that situation will definitely help in making a DECISION for you on how you'll move forward from there.
If you don't tell him, you're not risking anything but leaving your heart wondering of that unknown.
Bottom line, it's a gamble but in order to have a chance of even winning anything, you have to make a bet. :)
Good luck!
Hi greeneye1971... If I were to risk telling him, it will have to be when he's not or no longer one of my instructors. As far as you feeling like a dork/loser if he says no, well, it is a risk. If I would've initiated something like this with a guy, I'll condition myself to not expect as in expect the worse and hope for the best. I probably would approach it in a way that "these are my feelings; feelings which are neither right nor wrong and that the recipient of such feelings is NOT accountable and/or obligated to reciprocate."
Now as far as this gentleman and his "greatness", this IS your opinion and you're entitled to it. The "possibility" of him being interested in you is his call, not yours. He has that option just like as you have the option to choose someone.
Lastly, regarding kids, it may be too premature anyway to be thinking about kids since you're not even in a relationship with the guy. Who knows... perhaps, he's just another chapter in your life that all you needed to do is enjoy the moment. People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Wonderful relationships don't always end up in wedding bells. Sometimes, after getting to know a person more, you'll find that you're better off being friends and not lovers.
I've been friends with a guy friend for about 8 years now. He flirted during the first year and I knew, he wasn't my type and I didn't want to ruin a perfectly fine friendship. After him getting to know me more, he said that I would've been too much for him anyway. LOL See, we never crossed that line coz we just knew that we were better off as friends but it took some "getting to know" period before we realized this. He's married now and has 2 kids and our friendship grew like brother and sister.
So, don't be a worry wart on the kid bearing scenario. lol Who knows, you'll end up feeling turned off by this man after you see him pick his nose or hear him fart. You may be worrying for nothing. lol
Thanks for responding. He is NOT my instructor now (we're in summer session now-he was my instructor LAST semester). This semester he is in the room next door to me! Every day I walk by there on my way to class and see him on the computer and just sigh, thinking "you have no idea". We talk every time we see each other, and I have things I am genuinely interested in to talk to him about (exchange programs in his country, traveling jobs, his culture, etc.) The whole kids thing is not to be taken seriously. I only said that as a measure of how deep my feelings are for him and that it is unheard of for someone that is as much of a realist/pessimist as I am. I know it's premature and ridiculous. You're right-I would get turned off if I saw him do certain things. That's why I said that I am not naive and think "oh my God, he's perfect". I'm not like that. I'm AM a worrywart, so it has been hard to try and ignore these feelings. I have never had a problem with talking to men, but when it's him I feel so stupid and dorky. I just don't know how to cross that line from our usual conversations to "I am crazy in love with you and would bear your children in a heartbeat" :) (No, I would never actually say that). I'll see him in a few minutes, and it will be the same thing. A girl/friend that was in our class was telling me that I better tell him straight out that "I want you", but I could never do that. She thought he gave me special attention, but I think that he was just that way because his culture is so much more friendly. I don't know. Anyway, write back if anyone has any other advice, and thanks again for taking the time out to listen.
~pineapple_girl
Hello again... If you really wanna know, don't beat around the bush and just simply tell him, "let's go to lunch" or "do you wanna have lunch with me?". Men don't always pickup on hints. You have to spell it out to them.
When it comes to communication, bottom line is, there's only one thing that you can or are in control over and that's yourself. Own what is true to you. Be specific as in say, "When you do x, y is the impact on my end". Get the ball off your court while not expecting anything in return. If you wanna know, you'll have to take some risks. If he reacts negatively, well, isn't it better to know sooner than later?
If I'm reading you correctly, you have a trait of someone who's "reserved". You respond to others in a quiet, reserved manner and are most at ease interacting with others one on one. You keep your emotions rather private and self-contained. You prefer to think problems through alone to clarify feelings and use few gestures and facial expressions when you speak. With this fabulous foreigner, he seem to be an "outgoing" type kind of guy who might meet and greet people and putting them at ease and make them feel important. Am I getting warm at all with my analysis here? lol Well, if this is the case, someone like him will interact easily with many people and groups and are capable of sharing emotions openly and freely. They will also prefer to talk problems out with others to clarify feelings. Does he use many gestures and expressions when talking?
Thanks again for posting a reply. I remember back at the beginning of the semester when I had him as my instructor, me and my girlfriend trying to get him to go to a local club because they have "Latin Night" (and of course he loves to tango). I mentioned it to him in person, and mentioned it again in an email with my phone numbers. He said he would let me know. Then when I asked him about it (in person)that Friday night, he didn't remember what I was talking about and was confused. We had been doing a lot of talking about me doing the program that he did to get here, emailing contacts, etc. He thought that I was giving him my numbers to give to his contact about the exchange program and he forwarded them to her! So obviously there is a miscommunication there. As far as the personality synopsis, it's pretty much on. I am reserved at first, but if I feel comfortable with someone, I can really get wild. I do love how outgoing and passionate he is--that's what I love most about him, and that is exactly what I need. He doesn't use too many gestures, but it doesn't matter because it's all I can do to concentrate on what he's saying anyway :) OK, give me your opinion when you get chance!
For a reserved to communicate with an outgoing:
- Display more animation and enthusiasm than you normally might. Outgoing people like energy and excitement.
- Spend time getting to know Outgoing individuals personally. Open up and share more about yourself.
- Use expressive mannerisms, smiling and gestures. Outgoing people trust openness and look for body language to read.
Good luck!
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