HELP - in serious like with a foreigner

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
HELP - in serious like with a foreigner
13
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 5:00pm

I recently started dating a guy who is completely wonderful. He is a graduate student from Europe, but will be leaving to go back to his home country in August. I am devastated, but knew that hewas here only short term. I already have very strong feelings for him and feel sick to my stomach when I think about him leaving. I am not someone who typically falls head over heels for anyone and I tend to be very reserved with my emotions. I have thought about not seeing him (to spare myself the hurt later), but the thought of not seeing him is actually worse than the pain I know I will experience.

My dilemma: Assuming that my feelings do not change and continue to get stronger, what should I do about it? Tell him? What will that really accomplish?? And if so, when and how do I tell him?

Someone, please help! I am so lost and just don't know what to do!




Edited 6/9/2005 6:53 pm ET ET by rebby_90038

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 5:26pm
what do you have to loose if you do tell him vs if you don't tell him? NOthing? He may say he doesn't want to have that kind of relationship with you, and you two will remain friends and go your seperate ways OR you don't tell him and your heart is broken and your always left wondering "what if"
and that is not a good feeling to have. I think people should always be honest with their feelings. You need to let him know how you feel. I know it's soo hard, especially hard to open up. The line where you said "thinking about him leaving makes me feel sick to my stomach" and i just remembered when i was in love that much once where i had those same feelings... Everything happens for a reason... I'd take a chance.. it'd be better than never knowing!
Good luck and keep us posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2005
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 7:07pm

I'd tell him but not expect the feelings to be mutual that way if it isn't, at the very least, you got it out of your system and will no longer have to wonder on the "what if" or the "what could have been".

If you tell him, he'll atleast know and the ball will be in his court. There's a possibility that it will grow or not. The only downside to this is if he becomes egotistical about it. Well, if that happens, that situation will definitely help in making a DECISION for you on how you'll move forward from there.

If you don't tell him, you're not risking anything but leaving your heart wondering of that unknown.

Bottom line, it's a gamble but in order to have a chance of even winning anything, you have to make a bet. :)

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 6:52pm
I have the same situation, but with one of my college instructors. He is a foreigner, and I have had intense feelings for him since day one. I have dropped hints, and due to a communication/cultural difference or whatever, he either has not picked up on it or doesn't feel the same. I did not want to do anything inappropriate to jeapordize his position or mine, so I was planning on telling him the last day of the semester, so I could save face if he rejected me. We could not be alone that day, so I didn't say anything. It is killing me every day when I see him, but I will feel like the biggest dork/loser if he says no and I still have to see him on campus (a very tiny one). He has made many comments about family,no kids, never mentioned a wife/girlfriend, so I am pretty sure he is single. When I asked him about a ring on his thumb he said he just wears it there and there is no significance to it being on the thumb. (No, I don't think it's the usual guy thing where men lie about being married). I have even thought about the possibility of him being gay! I could handle THAT better than I could handle him being with another woman. I don't want to wonder 20 years from now what might have happened, but when I try and get up nerve to tell him something always happens. Plus I do not see how someone as great as him (I don't think he's perfect, I don't see him as this perfect being) could POSSIBLY be single and be interested in ME. I just know it is very scary how intense this is (for someone that is afraid to commit again). It's also scary to me that I would entertain the idea of bearing this man's children in a minute--and I never wanted kids! HELP!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 10:36pm

Hi greeneye1971... If I were to risk telling him, it will have to be when he's not or no longer one of my instructors. As far as you feeling like a dork/loser if he says no, well, it is a risk. If I would've initiated something like this with a guy, I'll condition myself to not expect as in expect the worse and hope for the best. I probably would approach it in a way that "these are my feelings; feelings which are neither right nor wrong and that the recipient of such feelings is NOT accountable and/or obligated to reciprocate."

Now as far as this gentleman and his "greatness", this IS your opinion and you're entitled to it. The "possibility" of him being interested in you is his call, not yours. He has that option just like as you have the option to choose someone.

Lastly, regarding kids, it may be too premature anyway to be thinking about kids since you're not even in a relationship with the guy. Who knows... perhaps, he's just another chapter in your life that all you needed to do is enjoy the moment. People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Wonderful relationships don't always end up in wedding bells. Sometimes, after getting to know a person more, you'll find that you're better off being friends and not lovers.

I've been friends with a guy friend for about 8 years now. He flirted during the first year and I knew, he wasn't my type and I didn't want to ruin a perfectly fine friendship. After him getting to know me more, he said that I would've been too much for him anyway. LOL See, we never crossed that line coz we just knew that we were better off as friends but it took some "getting to know" period before we realized this. He's married now and has 2 kids and our friendship grew like brother and sister.

So, don't be a worry wart on the kid bearing scenario. lol Who knows, you'll end up feeling turned off by this man after you see him pick his nose or hear him fart. You may be worrying for nothing. lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 12:21pm
hi punch--
Thanks for responding. He is NOT my instructor now (we're in summer session now-he was my instructor LAST semester). This semester he is in the room next door to me! Every day I walk by there on my way to class and see him on the computer and just sigh, thinking "you have no idea". We talk every time we see each other, and I have things I am genuinely interested in to talk to him about (exchange programs in his country, traveling jobs, his culture, etc.) The whole kids thing is not to be taken seriously. I only said that as a measure of how deep my feelings are for him and that it is unheard of for someone that is as much of a realist/pessimist as I am. I know it's premature and ridiculous. You're right-I would get turned off if I saw him do certain things. That's why I said that I am not naive and think "oh my God, he's perfect". I'm not like that. I'm AM a worrywart, so it has been hard to try and ignore these feelings. I have never had a problem with talking to men, but when it's him I feel so stupid and dorky. I just don't know how to cross that line from our usual conversations to "I am crazy in love with you and would bear your children in a heartbeat" :) (No, I would never actually say that). I'll see him in a few minutes, and it will be the same thing. A girl/friend that was in our class was telling me that I better tell him straight out that "I want you", but I could never do that. She thought he gave me special attention, but I think that he was just that way because his culture is so much more friendly. I don't know. Anyway, write back if anyone has any other advice, and thanks again for taking the time out to listen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 1:17pm
A forewarning...some schools don't allow teachers to date students, regardless if they're an actual student to them, or not. And he could get fired. So, I'd do some research if you can.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 3:01pm
Believe me, I thought of that the first day! I researched the policies of this school, and even asked an instructor (not about which policy of course!)earlier today. The instructor said that if it is not addressed in the manual, then there is probably not a policy on it. I don't see one that addresses it (I looked at the whole manual). It doesn't even matter, because at the rate things are going, I'm not gonna need it :( In fact, just a few minutes ago he saw me in the hall and came out of the classroom to ask me if I could help him with something (school related) and I almost DIED. Now I have an excuse to talk/email him more, but I still am terrified to cross over into, "blah blah blah (about the project), but also, I have very strong feelings for you". I thought I could use this project as an excuse to say "I'd love to help you with this-why don't we discuss it further over lunch or a drink?", but am too scared and feel like that is lame or dorky. I tried dropping a hint about lunch at the end of an email he sent me, and he never responded, yet he talks to me every time he sees me. I don't know if he doesn't know how to interpret the hints, is seeing someone (although he hinted at no), doesn't understand that I am dropping a hint, is not interested for whatever reason and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, or what! I've thought of everything. Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 9:46pm

Hello again... If you really wanna know, don't beat around the bush and just simply tell him, "let's go to lunch" or "do you wanna have lunch with me?". Men don't always pickup on hints. You have to spell it out to them.

When it comes to communication, bottom line is, there's only one thing that you can or are in control over and that's yourself. Own what is true to you. Be specific as in say, "When you do x, y is the impact on my end". Get the ball off your court while not expecting anything in return. If you wanna know, you'll have to take some risks. If he reacts negatively, well, isn't it better to know sooner than later?

If I'm reading you correctly, you have a trait of someone who's "reserved". You respond to others in a quiet, reserved manner and are most at ease interacting with others one on one. You keep your emotions rather private and self-contained. You prefer to think problems through alone to clarify feelings and use few gestures and facial expressions when you speak. With this fabulous foreigner, he seem to be an "outgoing" type kind of guy who might meet and greet people and putting them at ease and make them feel important. Am I getting warm at all with my analysis here? lol Well, if this is the case, someone like him will interact easily with many people and groups and are capable of sharing emotions openly and freely. They will also prefer to talk problems out with others to clarify feelings. Does he use many gestures and expressions when talking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 4:40pm
hi punch--
Thanks again for posting a reply. I remember back at the beginning of the semester when I had him as my instructor, me and my girlfriend trying to get him to go to a local club because they have "Latin Night" (and of course he loves to tango). I mentioned it to him in person, and mentioned it again in an email with my phone numbers. He said he would let me know. Then when I asked him about it (in person)that Friday night, he didn't remember what I was talking about and was confused. We had been doing a lot of talking about me doing the program that he did to get here, emailing contacts, etc. He thought that I was giving him my numbers to give to his contact about the exchange program and he forwarded them to her! So obviously there is a miscommunication there. As far as the personality synopsis, it's pretty much on. I am reserved at first, but if I feel comfortable with someone, I can really get wild. I do love how outgoing and passionate he is--that's what I love most about him, and that is exactly what I need. He doesn't use too many gestures, but it doesn't matter because it's all I can do to concentrate on what he's saying anyway :) OK, give me your opinion when you get chance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2005
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 11:33pm

For a reserved to communicate with an outgoing:

- Display more animation and enthusiasm than you normally might. Outgoing people like energy and excitement.
- Spend time getting to know Outgoing individuals personally. Open up and share more about yourself.
- Use expressive mannerisms, smiling and gestures. Outgoing people trust openness and look for body language to read.

Good luck!

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