HELP! What to do?
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| Thu, 10-20-2005 - 10:33pm |
Hi all, I'm Missy I'm 24 and I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. He was living with his parents until recently (had just gotten home from the Marines when i met him) but they are divorcing, his stepdad kicked him out and he is living with me and roommie right now.
Okay, Problem 1: He loves me very much and most of the time everything is great but sometimes I start thinking about us and I wonder what I'm doing with him. He is what I would term "Emotionally Paralyzed"-classic case of "my mom raised me like a spoiled brat and let me get away with whatever and talk to her however i want and did EVERYTHING for me up until this point in my life before i met you". I have made it very clear to him that i am not his mother, babysitter, or maid; but it's like he expects me to do everything for him. He'll say "i need to pay my bills tonite will you help me?" and then expect me to just do it for him, and then pout if it doesn't get done. i on the other hand, am an independent oldest child who moved out when i was 17 and have taken care of myself since then. he also has problems with communication and feelings; don't get me wrong he can be very cuddly and "i love you baby", but he never does sappy romantic sweet things hardly ever. Also when he gets upset, he pouts and throws things, won't talk to me about it, etc. Am I making something out of nothing and this is just a typical man thing or is my BF a kindergartener??
which brings me to...
Problem 2: He hates living with me b/c he feels that he's depending on me to provide for him, so to speak, even though he helps with the bills and rent every month. He is in the process of getting a loan/starting to look for a house, and though HE is getting the loan, he keeps talking about OUR house. Okay, that's fine, but here's where it get's messy. Since his parents are wallowing in this huge messy divorce his Mom has nothing right now and is living with her parents. When we get a house he wants it to be our house, but he also wants to provide a place to live for his Mom til she gets back on her feet and his Sis when she's home for the summer. I know he's not really thrilled about doing this, but at the same time is extremely loyal to his mom and sis and feel's responsible for their care and well-being.
The more I think about this the more worried I get. That means his mom would be LIVING WITH US and unless she has her own living space i don't see how it will work. I really want to have a house with him, but i'm really worried that his mom would take over and try to do things her way and become his babysitter/maid again. (in all fairness to her, i love her to death she is very giving and loving, and this woman has been used to running a house and taking care of a family non-stop for 20 years straight; and now has NOTHING) She means well but i'm afraid this step in our relationship if it happens, will ultimately ruin it. I have been on my own and taken care of myself completely for 8 years, and I NEED to have my OWN place with MY touch, and we need a home with some alone space for our relationship to grow.
I am feeling very trapped because of all this, i feel that i am not getting everything i need out of our relationship. I don't feel he is taking MY feeling or thoughts into account lately at all with regards to everything about US!
Having said all this I know he loves me completely, totally; i am his world pretty much. We are great together and i love him so much, but sometimes i feel i have changed myself to please him, and worry about whether we should be together at all. should i be with someone who can satisfy my emotional needs better?? we have such different backgrounds and opinions but that is also what we love about eachother. I have so many doubts about my relationship right now and am not even sure why!
I haven't talked to him about any of this because I have needed time to think it out myself, but I need to broach the subject somehow to him soon. And I am in desperate need of some unbiased input about my relationship (in general) and this house thing (in particular). Please help girls!

Holy Moley, you are in deep for an unmarried 24 year old!!! All the best. You are good to be reaching out for advice now before all this lands in your lap.
For any number of reasons, I'd stress the importance of your independence to him, his mom, and to yourself. Your boyfriend needs to learn how to take care of himself. Let him try. If he sulks, that's his choice! Let him sulk, pout stomp his foot, whatever.
You can love a person and not be dependent. Are you familiar with the concept of "codependence"?
Codependence a terrible bad awful thing that some people mistake for love. It sounds as if your boyfriend and his mom are asking you to engage in a co-dependent relationship. Learn what the term means, recognise it and stay clear.
Keep being very cautious!
Sounds as if you love him and want to stay with him. You can do this but retaining your financial and emotional independence. Relationships are better when the two people are emotionally strong and independent. The financial depndence is a matter of situation and choice in developed relationships, of course. You are only two years into it and still young. Keep your financial independence for now.
He is needing you in ways that he has no right to need you, bill paying, cleaning etc. He wants you to need him too. he is trying to get you in a situation where you need him (the OUR house thing). Be careful. You can talk to him about this too!
Mutual needing is not love. Mutual giving is closer to love, in my humble opinion!
Good wishes!:)