Help! Where do you draw the line?
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| Wed, 08-17-2005 - 2:35pm |
I don't want to swear off men completely and think I'll always be alone... and I don't want to fall back into the trap of being attracted to bad boys...
Basically I don't trust myself to fall for the right guy!! The guy I'm with now has a good job, takes good care of his daughter, owns his own home, does things for me (fixes my car, cleans my house, helped me move, etc), looks after my son. He even calls when he says he'll call. And he is affectionate! Basically he has everything I was looking in a guy exept for a couple of traits I'm having trouble dealing with. Okay, so what about the bad qualities your asking? He can be controlling (doesn't like to be left alone for long periods of time because he feels "abandoned", especially if left in unfamiliar areas), he thinks he is always right, he hardly ever says he is sorry (unless he feels he has reason to say he's sorry), he questions me about what I do and what my motives are, he is an extreme penny-pincher (he complained the entire time we were on vacation about how much everything is costing, from the food to the gas), and he and I clash as far as him being more of a homebody and me wanting to be out and around large groups of people. Also he expects me to read his mind, because he shouldn't have to "tell" me these things.... I should automatically "know" something.
Basically, I know I'm a commitment phobe and I tend to run away from relationships when the going gets tough... I don't trust myself enough to know when I can make the right decision to leave... or because I expect a relationship to be perfect and there won't be any bumps in the road... I see it this way... if someone is not willing to budge on anything, why should I be the one to budge on everything? I just don't know when I am being unrealistic when it comes to leaving a relationship... someone told me if you are unhappy most of the time, it's as good enough a reason as anything... she said you don't need infidelity or physical abuse in order to warrant leaving a relationship. I stayed in many relationships that I was the one giving all the time and not receiving anything. Maybe I'm the one in this relationship who is the taker and he's getting frustrated with me the way I was frustrated with them...
He is VERY abrupt in the way he asks me questions. I've asked him time and time again to be a little less abrasive when asking things because otherwise I automatically get defensive or shutdown when questioned out-of-the-blue. For example, a couple of weeks ago when I moved in with my mom, I decided to stay a few days at her house instead of his house (but I didn't tell him I was doing this...each day I just told him I was planning to spend the night at my mom's instead of coming over like I normally do)... So after the week was over he asks me, "Is this going to be a pattern from now on?" With a very harsh tone of voice. I kept telling him I had a problem with the way he approached this, and he accused me of being upset because he "caught on" to my "pattern" and was questioning me about it before it got to be more of pattern. He said I should have told him I was spending the time at my mom's so that he would know this. I think this was a trust issue.
Then another time I wore a tank top a couple of times in a row and I was approached with "What's the matter? Did you run out of shirts to wear?" Later to find out it made him uncomfortable for me to be that exposed (I have a big chest). One day he can take, but he said a couple of days in a row seemed to be unusual for me, especially since the weather was not as hot as it had been last week and I didn't wear them then (I said the reason I was wearing the tank tops was because I was hot...he doesn't have A/C at his house and I walked out the door in the tank top). He accepted my reason, and didn't bring it up since.
I know partly I am looking for a reason out... because I'm afraid of commitment... When things are going too easy and there is no more of a challenge I tend to seek out the wrong and then abandon ship!
Help! I don't know what I need to do anymore! I feel that after we talk things start to mkae sense again and I realize why I'm with him, but I'm so afraid to get hurt again that I want to end things now before something bad happens like him cheating on me! And I feel I have built a wall around my heart that he hasn't been able to completely penetrate. I feel like I want for him to give me all, but I can't give it my all because I just did that in my previous relationship and he took all my giving powers away... I know that relationships are give and take, but I'm afraid if I give too much, he won't keep giving the way he is giving now....

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PD,
The sooner you end things with him, the better. And of course he doesn't see anything wrong with what he says or does. That's how abusers are. They see themselves as hardly ever being in the wrong, and if they ever do admit they were in the wrong, it is almost always done with an ulterior motive in mind -- to further advance their own selfish desires and goals.
He IS trying to control what you wear INDIRECTLY by making an issue over your choice to show more skin than what he's comfortable with. Let me tell you, one of the saddest and yet most irritating things about an abuser is that they are NEVER satisfied. Even if you were to change your style of dress to suit him, he'd soon find something else about you to gripe about. Maybe it will be the way you keep house or the way you wear your hair. As soon as you fix that issue, then he'll move on to something else until one day you'll look up and wonder whatever happened to the woman you used to be BEFORE you met his sorry azz.
Now, you can waste precious time debating "the issues" with him or you can bail now before things get any worse. And by the way, it was absolutely nuts of him to compare wine to weed, which shows he ain't playin' with a full deck and you need to dump him.
Sorry PD, it just ain't meant to be....IMHO
Heymum
Edited 8/18/2005 4:58 pm ET ET by pooldiva
Heymum!
You rule!!! I haven't laughed that hard in weeks! I feel better knowing that I am not going crazy here!
You're absolutely right about him moving onto something else... come to think of it... he is starting with the whole makeup thing... indirectly again... And he even had a gall to mention my role as a mother! Saying I have a "don't give a sh**t" attitude! (He said this during this past weekend)... Again he said this subtly enough... pointing out that when my son was sick that I should have kiss on him cuddled him, drank and ate after him... Because then I would get sick and I would be of no use to him (my son). Then he tried to patch it up by saying in the next breath that he's cute and sweet so it's hard to not want to cuddle and kiss him.
Also, he so subtle mentioned how I have it better than most women in relationships and I should count myself lucky. That, if someone were to complain so much as this, that she could be construed as hard to please... So basically when I complain or show my displeasure and he doesn't see it the same way or feel guilty for it then I'm just too hard to please...
Also, he said that when people say they are "sorry", they are guilty for something. That's why he hardly has reason to be sorry for anything because as far as he's concerned, he does nothing wrong. I wonder what his definition of WRONG is... I mean if someone doesn't have a conscience, then it's safe to say that they don't feel they are in the wrong, and if they are not in the wrong, then they have no need to apologize for the things they do...which may very well be WRONG.
Also he talks to one girl friend who I met and she is constantly scamming on guys and using them after they do all this good things for her... And I thinking slowly he is becoming a masagonist. He doesn't have a good relationship with his mother because she abandoned him at 16. Leaving him and his brother to fend for themselves and he had to get a job to pay for the electricity and rent of the house. She was sleeping and living with another man while his father was on his death bed.
I have to stop allowing him to turn things around to suit himself... I need to stop thinking the what ifs... what if I'm wrong about him.... what if I make a mistake? What if I'll be alone forever? What if I never find anyone else? What if I never get to have any more children?
I'm praying every day, and my friends and people like you and pineapple girl on this BB have helped tremendously! Thank you... I'm happy to hear from you!
Edited 8/22/2005 10:41 am ET ET by pooldiva
Thanks for the compliments....
About the other stuff you wrote about him, all I have to say to that is WTH?!!
Girl, he's plain loco and about as dumb as a box of rocks (and trust me, I hate insulting the box of rocks here). Please, please, please dump this joker and don't look back. It's sad what he went through in being abandoned by his mom, but he sounds like he has some serious anger and control issues. Not good. In his present state, he couldn't have a healthy r'ship with a woman if his very life depended on it. A r'ship with him is about him being in complete control. That's the way it is with abusers. However they see the world through their eyes is the way it is. They view people who don't agree with them as being stupid. That's another reason why he won't apologize or say he's sorry for things he says and does, even if it hurts or causes another person pain. You know why? Because in the eyes of an abuser, it's always the other person's fault as to why they're hurting. They're either too sensitive, or take things too seriously, blah-blah-blah. Trust me, after being married to an abuser for almost eight years, I have heard and seen it all.
Anyway I digress.
Look, I know there are plenty of things you're going to miss in relation to how good it was with him in the beginning. That's the way most love relationships are, they're almost always good in the **beginning**. No guy in his right mind starts off showing that he's a complete and utter azz. Like Chris Rock says, it's the guy's REP who shows up and woos a woman so that she'll fall in love/lust with the guy. Once the REP realizes the girl has fallen for the guy, his job is done, he bows out and the REAL GUY assumes the position. So all of that wonderful-lovey-dovey stuff he did for you in the early stage of your r'ship was done for the specific purpose of winning you over. He won you over and then began the process of trying to **make you over** into how he wanted you to dress, talk, act, etc.
Think of it this way, if someone offered you a really sweet and delicious strawberry margarita or pina colada, but just before you took a sip, told you that just a few drops of ARSENIC had been added to "give it an extra kick," would you still drink it? I think not. But that's what an abusive relationship is like. Abusers serve up just enough "sweetness" with the stinkin' crap they dish out to keep a woman under their control. They know full well that if they just served up the stinkin' crap **all the time**, they'd never be able to keep a woman for more than a minute.
Forget all that nice stuff he did for you and move on.
You deserve better.
All the best,
Heymum
Hi Pooldiva! I can not sum it up any better than Heymum. Please listen to her. I really would hate to see you on the DV board. From what I read in your post, you have a lot of strength in you. And as another poster said - run like the wind from this character. You can do it, I feel it.
P.S. - I've walked in your shoes before without a child which made it a little bit easier to leave, more than once. All I'm gonna say is go with the strength I believe you have. Take care and God Bless you and yours.
Thank you for all that Heymum,
I actually went through with it and we broke up on Saturday. I knew it was time, and it all transpired because I mentioned on Friday how I was going to go and see a movie with two of my girlfriends instead of a wedding shower (she didn’t want a party, she just wanted to hang out). He immediately closed up, gave me the cold shoulder and sulked on the couch.
It’s been really hard and I’m trying my best to stay strong. The unfortunate thing is that we work together so we will have to constantly see each other… He called in sick today. I’ll remain professional, and I’m going to see about having my desk moved or switch with someone. But that will have to wait for awhile, I don’t want to bring my troubles to work (even though it’s pretty hard not to).
It’s nice to hear it from someone who has been there… The more I think about it, the more things are coming up to my conscious level (things that I chose to ignore before). First he threw the break-up in the air like he always did, except other times it was more like a threat, and attempt to show me he has no qualms about breaking it off with me. He always said he can just shutdown and shutoff all his emotions and then he can see clearly then and would probably do things then without any feelings.
He threw me "Should we just agree to disagree and break up?" I told him that sounded good to me. THEN, he was mad, and THEN he tried to give me the guilt trip, and threw many hurtful things in my face. Saying, after all I’ve done for you. All the things I did and this is how you repay me? Everything I went through, all the sacrifices. He told me how I’m obviously hard to please. That I want to be “babied” but he lives in a realistic world. And that's not how it works in the real world. That is a fantasy world. So I said, "Well then, I want a fantasy world."
Then he threw this, “Good luck finding someone who will let you dress like you want, do what you want, go where you want, and spend all the money you want!”
I like the arsenic analogy you wrote. Yup, definitely wouldn’t want to taste that drink!
Thanks for all your advice and support!
Pooldiva
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PD,
I am SO PROUD OF YOU!!! The response you gave him was absolutely superb! "Well then, I want a fantasy world." I've gotta remember to use that one if ever I'm told my wants and desires are unrealistic. All that crap he gave you is so classic and actually meant that he didn't want to CONTINUE making all the so-called sacrifices he made in the beginning. And the fact that he said all those hurtful things shows that his motives for doing all of that for you was not on the up and up. IMHO.
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Who in the hell does he think he is?! Good luck in finding some who will LET... LET?!! Give me a friggin' break! You are a grown-azz woman! See, that's the problem with so many men today. We have our jobs, have our own everything, yet they think they can come along and suddenly dictate how we're to dress, where we can and can't go, blah-blah-blah. And to think he was JUST your B/F!! If he was this way BEFORE marrying you, could you imagine how much more controlling he'd be if you were his wife?
I'm of the opinion that if he didn't like the way you dressed or WHATEVER, he should've either accepted it or moved the hell on. Sticking around and doing all those wonderful things, thinking his efforts entitled him to be able to tell you what to do, shows what a pathetic idiot he is.
Good for you!!
All the best,
Heymum
Heymum,
I just wanted to thank you for all your advice, insights and wise words. I’m trying to keep myself busy and avoid him as much as I possibly can (being that I see him everyday at work). Of course he’s trying what he can to make me feel guilty. But luckily, the more things kept flooding in my mind to the unacceptable way he talked to me and jealous/possessive traits he showed me… the more powerful I feel in my decision and the less guilt I feel. I did A LOT for him and his child… So I’m not going to be made to feel guilty for nothing I'm guilty of.
Oh, and I forgot to tell you how he threw the past in my face that I confided in him about the way I got along with my controlling father and mother, and ex-bf, etc... by saying to me, "I don't know how you survived all the years... I mean after the horror stories you told me about your father, and your family, and the stories you told me about your ex." I told him, "You know how I survived?" He said, "No, how?" "Because I'm F***ing STRONG! That's how I survived!" He looked at me in a very nasty way, "You're strong?" with his eyes narrowing and looked at my doubtfully. I looked at him square in the eye, without yelling, and a straight face and said. "That's right. I'm STRONG."
I’m letting myself feel what I want to feel, go where I want to go, dress like I want to dress, and spend MY money like I want to spend my money. It feels incredible! No one to report to! Report is the key word. Because a decent person wouldn’t try to make me feel less of a person.
We were all invited to a company function, and he dared to e-mail me to ask, "Hi, are you planning on going?" I replied, "Hi. I’m not sure yet." I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of giving me a smart answer.
I don’t intended on responding to anymore e-mails of the like. Anything NON-work related will be dismissed.
Thanks for listening again.
All the best,
Pooldiva
PD,
You're quite welcome. Thank you for all you've shared with me about your situation. I've enjoyed our "convos" here in this thread and am glad the lessons I've learned have been helpful to you. Like Dr. Maya Angelou says, "When we know better, we do better." So consider yourself blessed to learn the lessons early and sooner rather than later.
So he works with you? Ugh. Well you sound like a very strong woman, so I'm sure you'll continue to handle yourself in a professional, competent and dignified manner at the office. Just shine him on. If it were me, I'd only speak to him if I absolutely had to and beyond that, I'd ignore him and stick to handling my job.
Although I'm sorry he childishly chose to throw your past in your face, I'm proud of you for standing up to him! The fact that he chose to go low instead of taking the high road further supports the fact that you're better off without him. Isn't it bizarre (not to mention OUTRAGEOUS) that he felt "entitled" to control you simply because of all the nice things he did for you in the beginning? SAH!!
PD, know this -- never feel like you have to *report* to anyone except God and the IRS, ok? God, because He brought you here and can take you out, and the IRS because you value your freedom. ;o) You are a single woman, so maintain your individuality and don't allow any man to lead you down that road of having to play the "accountability game." What you do with your time, money, and possessions is strictly your business.
Lastly, I'm glad you're not responding to any future non-business e-mails from him. It will probably drive him nuts for a while to know you've moved on so quickly!...LOL
Stay strong girl!
Heymum
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