Help! Where do you draw the line?
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| Wed, 08-17-2005 - 2:35pm |
I don't want to swear off men completely and think I'll always be alone... and I don't want to fall back into the trap of being attracted to bad boys...
Basically I don't trust myself to fall for the right guy!! The guy I'm with now has a good job, takes good care of his daughter, owns his own home, does things for me (fixes my car, cleans my house, helped me move, etc), looks after my son. He even calls when he says he'll call. And he is affectionate! Basically he has everything I was looking in a guy exept for a couple of traits I'm having trouble dealing with. Okay, so what about the bad qualities your asking? He can be controlling (doesn't like to be left alone for long periods of time because he feels "abandoned", especially if left in unfamiliar areas), he thinks he is always right, he hardly ever says he is sorry (unless he feels he has reason to say he's sorry), he questions me about what I do and what my motives are, he is an extreme penny-pincher (he complained the entire time we were on vacation about how much everything is costing, from the food to the gas), and he and I clash as far as him being more of a homebody and me wanting to be out and around large groups of people. Also he expects me to read his mind, because he shouldn't have to "tell" me these things.... I should automatically "know" something.
Basically, I know I'm a commitment phobe and I tend to run away from relationships when the going gets tough... I don't trust myself enough to know when I can make the right decision to leave... or because I expect a relationship to be perfect and there won't be any bumps in the road... I see it this way... if someone is not willing to budge on anything, why should I be the one to budge on everything? I just don't know when I am being unrealistic when it comes to leaving a relationship... someone told me if you are unhappy most of the time, it's as good enough a reason as anything... she said you don't need infidelity or physical abuse in order to warrant leaving a relationship. I stayed in many relationships that I was the one giving all the time and not receiving anything. Maybe I'm the one in this relationship who is the taker and he's getting frustrated with me the way I was frustrated with them...
He is VERY abrupt in the way he asks me questions. I've asked him time and time again to be a little less abrasive when asking things because otherwise I automatically get defensive or shutdown when questioned out-of-the-blue. For example, a couple of weeks ago when I moved in with my mom, I decided to stay a few days at her house instead of his house (but I didn't tell him I was doing this...each day I just told him I was planning to spend the night at my mom's instead of coming over like I normally do)... So after the week was over he asks me, "Is this going to be a pattern from now on?" With a very harsh tone of voice. I kept telling him I had a problem with the way he approached this, and he accused me of being upset because he "caught on" to my "pattern" and was questioning me about it before it got to be more of pattern. He said I should have told him I was spending the time at my mom's so that he would know this. I think this was a trust issue.
Then another time I wore a tank top a couple of times in a row and I was approached with "What's the matter? Did you run out of shirts to wear?" Later to find out it made him uncomfortable for me to be that exposed (I have a big chest). One day he can take, but he said a couple of days in a row seemed to be unusual for me, especially since the weather was not as hot as it had been last week and I didn't wear them then (I said the reason I was wearing the tank tops was because I was hot...he doesn't have A/C at his house and I walked out the door in the tank top). He accepted my reason, and didn't bring it up since.
I know partly I am looking for a reason out... because I'm afraid of commitment... When things are going too easy and there is no more of a challenge I tend to seek out the wrong and then abandon ship!
Help! I don't know what I need to do anymore! I feel that after we talk things start to mkae sense again and I realize why I'm with him, but I'm so afraid to get hurt again that I want to end things now before something bad happens like him cheating on me! And I feel I have built a wall around my heart that he hasn't been able to completely penetrate. I feel like I want for him to give me all, but I can't give it my all because I just did that in my previous relationship and he took all my giving powers away... I know that relationships are give and take, but I'm afraid if I give too much, he won't keep giving the way he is giving now....

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Heymum,
I’ve also much enjoyed our conversations here. It’s really been a great support and it’s made me feel much better. I find myself laughing out loud at your comments.
Once again you called it woman! He sent me a guilt trip e-mail with his last attempts to blame, fakely “apologize” and throw things back in my face. He always wants to have the last word and come up smelling like roses.
He mentioned how his ego led him to believe that he was so much better than my previous bfs/husband so how could my feelings have changed. And then he threw in again how in his eyes he was real good to me. He said that he couldn’t believe how I could move on that quickly, and how he claims that I forced him to move on quickly too. He said my not calling him all these 4 days made him reach his lowest point, thereby resulting in him springing back from this all. And thereby resulting in what he suspected all along in that he wasn’t all that special to me. His entire e-mail reaked of sarcasm!!!! Like I thought this was like this, boy was I wrong. Or I thought you were like this. But it's not your fault, I should have known better... I now see your true motives, I can't blame you for my foolish thinking, etc..etc..
Then his apologies were really pathetic! He said he was sorry for making me suffer all these months. That he knew a long time ago that we were not marriage material, dating yes, but not marriage. RIGHT! Then later he says how he thought I was still in love with him and that I still wanted to marry him! Before that he said how he loved me and was determined not to let himself be PICKY or run out of patience and thereby end up ruining the relationship. HMMMM… I'm reading that basically he’s trying to convince me that he "took" me on despite himself and knowing full well we weren’t marriage material, only to find out that I lost feelings for him, Now who's living in a FANTASY world? The REALITY is he found out that I refuse to be controlled!
WHATEVER! It must have been a REAL shocker to him that I became the ONE who is PICKY and decided I deserved better and that I didn't NEED (or was desperate enough) to marry someone who doesn't let me be myself, questions my motives, belittles me, disregards my feelings, tells me what to wear, gets inappropriately jealous, talks to me in a sarcastic (or smart azz way like he put it), fights dirty, never apologizes (in a respectful way), needs to always be right regardless of the cost, etc, etc, etc!
He said he had no idea he was totally disrespecting me. And he told me "as you know, I usually don't apologize for my actions unless I think they were over the top, but for you I will make an exception. I'm sorry for hurting you." Is that not a SLAP in the face?
BTW Heymum, I like your analogy on reporting to God and the IRS. Like in the movie “Meet Joe Black”…the only thing in life that you can be sure of is Death and Taxes.
My strength has endured and sure enough like you said his ego got bruised. It’s hard for me to let him get the last word by writing me this e-mail, but I’m not going to HONOR his dripping-with-sarcasm e-mail with a reply.
Silence is the worse thing I can do right now. As they say, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Although I must admit, revenge is NOT my ultimate goal here. I want and I demand R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Thank you again for those words of encouragement,
PoolDiva
Edited 8/24/2005 4:56 pm ET ET by pooldiva
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PD,
Girl, I AM CRACKING UP! Somebody please pass the popcorn....Yeah, he's being forced to move on quickly too which is why he's taken the time to send you another e-mail! Sure, he's reallllyyyyy moving on. What a load of crap! BTW, he sure is stuck on all that nice stuff he did for you, ain't he? Obviously, it was more for his benefit than yours and outside of the entitlement issue, it was done for the purpose of sucking you right in so he could "flip the script" and then get you under his thumb. SAH!! His plan back-fired and since you refused to *cooperate,* he has to heap insults your way. Now that's really mature, don't you think? LOL
Isn't it really somethin' how ignoring him over the past four days made him flip out? "He should've known better"...And he did all that nice stuff for a woman whom he knew wasn't marriage material? For cryin' out loud, could he be any more transparent? If I didn't know any better, I'd think he was still in jr. high -- no, on second thought, make that middle school. LOL
PD, he isn't getting the last word in this, YOU ARE! I'm sure he fully expects to receive some sort of e-mail or phone call from you. By paying him absolutely no mind in return, he'll get the message that all you feel for him now is apathy. Sometimes with people like him, negative attention is better than no attention at all. In a few days, I imagine he'll be climbing the walls.....
You want respect, but he wouldn't know respect if it walked up and thumped him upside the head!
Let me know if you hear from him again... ;o) Maybe now he'll go play with someone his own age. LOL!!
Heymum
Heymum,
I was laughing out loud at what you wrote yesterday!! That was so funny! As you said… one can really see the maturity level here!
You’re so right! He really WAS stuck on those “nice” things he did for me. Ironically he kept worrying that I would "flip the script" on him!! Goes to show you that when people are paranoid and suspicious over nothing it’s because they themselves are doing the very same thing they fear the most out of us!
I really want to send you the exact e-mail he sent… I paraphrased most of it in these threads, but it took away all the revolting, obnoxious, and flat out nasty behavior!
I thought that yesterday he reached and all time low (there I go again, giving him the benefit of the doubt). A mistake I don’t intend to duplicate (quote from The Princess Bride). GUESS AGAIN!
A couple of weeks ago, his membership to a CD club was running out and he asked me if I wanted any CDs because he didn’t need or want any. So I said sure. Well, one of the CDs came in and he left it on my desk with a note this morning. At first, I thought he wanted money for it. WRONG AGAIN!
It was a note, proposing SEX! That’s right, you read this correctly. He has officially SNAPPED! He wrote how he wanted another taste of me real, real, real bad. How about one last serving? He’ll bring the ice, oils, karma sutra book, etc. And I bring the yoga, and that sexy bod! Don’t forget to stretch!
EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! GAG!!!! I almost threw up! What a dirty rotten snake! I wouldn’t sleep with him if I was the last woman on earth and he was the last man on earth! (Old cliché, but fits nicely in this context)
I’m wondering if I mail back the CD myself, or throw it back on his desk?
BAH!!!! What a narcissistic, pathetic, ill-bred, conniving, infantile, repulsive low-life!
He’s not going to get the best of me!
PoolDiva
PD,
Okay, he has crossed a very serious line here and could find himself in some serious hot water, not to mention possibly UNEMPLOYED!!!
Save the note he gave you in which he propositions you for sex along with the CD. I think his actions are tantamount to sexual harassment because he gave it to you in the workplace, which is an absolute no-no these days! Had he given it to you off hours or away from the office, that would've been one thing. But giving it to you during office hours, on company property, could be grounds for termination, not to mention a potential lawsuit for sexual harassment. Depending on how seriously your company takes this kind of thing, he could find himself on the unemployment line real fast in order to keep them free of being involved in a sexual harassment lawsuit.
Do you still have the e-mails that document your break-up? Save those too. You may need that to prove that the two of you had ended your relationship before he gave you the CD and the note. It could end up being your word against his, so the more evidence you have to support you, the better.
I think you should take the CD and note straight to your supervisor and see what he or she has to say. There should be some sort of company policy on the books where you work. Check it out and see what could be the outcome for him and for you as well.
Keep me posted, okay?
Heymum
Heymum,
I’ll write more soon. But just to answer quickly.
They do take it VERY seriously… It outlines that I should bring it to the attention of my immediate supervisor or gen mgr. If for any reason I don’t want to bring the complaint to this person (I guess in the situation that this is the offender), then I can bring it to the attention of the HR Rep. They claim there will be no reprisals or retalitation taken to the person making a complaint according to their policy or for discussing the person’s concerns about a potential harassing behavior.
I’ll talk to you soon,
PoolDiva
{munch, munch} good popcorn.
OHMIGOD!!! PD, all I can say is good luck. Proud of you for standing your ground, ending things, and I can't believe the note. I mean, had he left the CD and said, "you owe me X amount" that's okay, but a PROPOSITION NOTE!!???!??! WOW!
He's hit an all time low.
BTW, I was involved with an abusive, controlling guy. He did exactly what yours is doing. Even the whole sex thing. Granted, I was weak back then and went back to him and had sex and stuff, but seriously, I can't believe the things he's doing. I hope you see his TRUE character.
Hugs.
~pineapple_girl
PD,
Thanks for the update. I'll be thinking of you as you move forward with this and pray for your safety and protection. I figured your company would take this very seriously --in our sue happy world, they'd be fools not to. Once you report it, whatever happens to him job-wise will more than likely be out of your hands.
Considering all the crap he's put you through, he does sound controlling and abusive. Abusers tend not to accept responsibility for anything they do, which means he'll probably blame you for whatever action your company takes against him. So I'll also be praying that HE does not retaliate against you or try to make your life difficult.
The bottom line is he had absolutely no right to do what he did -- especially in the workplace.
Hang in there!
Heymum
Thank you Heymum,
I spoke to the HR director and she was very helpful and diplomatic about the situation. She encouraged me to talk it over with my supervisor which is what I did now. My supervisor was very attentive and told me he was happy I brought this to his attention and that he would be willing to talk to the HR reps and get their insight on how to best proceed with this situation and bring this back to a professional and comfortable environment.
It is so hard to be a woman. Anita Hill opened a lot of doors for us. I read an article about her at lunch (in the magazine I brought with me at lunch ironically), and since her case corporations and businesses were forced to write up stronger harassment and discrimination policies.
My mom has been very supportive and has been scared for me. She’s also fearful that my job could be in jeopardy or my reputation. She hates the fact that he could get out of this on top. She said they always fire the woman and keep the man!
My supervisor said that he sensed the relationship, but never inquired further. I told him, that’s just it… I don’t bring my personal business to work. I want to remain professional and keep it that way at all times. I told him that we knew full well that in the event of it not working out that we would be amicable and professional. But now by him bringing this at work, and placing things on my desk, he’s forcing me to a place where I don’t want to be and I want to nip it in the bud before it escalates. My supervisor agreed with me.
Anyway, hopefully we’ll meet with someone this afternoon. My supervisor was going to leave early but now he said he’ll stick around because this is more important and he would like to help me deal with this. He also said if at any time things get worse or I have another complaint that I shouldn't hesitate to come and tell him immediately.
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, I need them so much right now.
Why do I always find myself in this situation when I stand up for myself?
Best regards,
PoolDiva
PD,
I'm glad your mom is being supportive and that the wheels have been set in motion to help bring about a swift resolution.
One thing you should know when it comes to abusers -- it's best to have NO CONTACT. That will be a little hard to do because he works there, but if I were you, I'd block him regarding e-mail (your personal at least) and change your cell and home phone numbers. Of course, any inappropriate e-mails that he sends on the job or during working hours should be forwarded via e-mail and hard copy to HR, your supervisor and the company president if need be.
If his behavior escalates, hopefully they'll get rid of him. If that happens, be prepared to go to court for an RO. I don't know how well you know him, but try as much as possible to be at least one step ahead of him.
It will show him you mean business and that he'd better knock it off if he knows what's good for him.
Be strong and remember you're in my prayers.
Heymum
Heymum,
Thank you so much for your words of support... I've been on pins and needles ALL day. He left now and I can breathe again. I felt like "waiting to exhale". PHEW!
Unfortunately I seem to not know him as well as I thought because I never imagined it would escalate to this, or I would have to go to such great lengths to rid myself of his unwanted attentions!
Follow-up... HR handled themselves impeccably! They worked in a VERY speedy way to get things resolved. They took the sexual letter very seriously and made him aware of it BIG time. They had him sign a sexual harassment and code of conduct document. They will also make him watch a sexual harassment video.
I requested that one of us move our desk location. So the HR rep also left it up to me to decide my preference on him moving or me moving. After I gave it some thought about my available access to resources, etc. I told her my choice was for him to move. But I was OK with whatever they decided to do. She said that his supervisor wasn’t sure how to do it either… So then the HR Rep said why don’t we leave it up to her? See what she decides or what her personal preference is? So that’s what went on the HR Rep said. She wanted to talk to me about it first and see what I thought before she gave her recommendation to how the situation should be handled.
She told him (as I requested) to cease ALL non-work related contact with me. No forwarded messages, no phone calls, and no personal visits. Unless they have to do with a work related matter, he is to have NO more contact with me. On both sides we are to not partake in any type of relations not having to do with work. So then he asked them what about the kids? Or, anything having to do with the kids? They said, absolutely NOT. Absolutely NO contact that has anything to do with a personal nature. No questions or discussions about your personal lives in any way shape or form.
She advised me to do make sure I adhere to this too so I am not in any kind of violation of what they told him to do (which is to have no contact with me). So I should make sure not to e-mail him, or phone him during company time or on company grounds. Anything having to do with a personal nature should be dealt with on our terms and on our own time, and not on company time.
Let’s see…anything else… Nope. I think this sums it up…
I have 4 free days of him! I am SO looking forward to that!
I'm also going to get a security guard to escort me to my car tonight and tomorrow night!
All the best, and I'm still praying...
PoolDiva
Edited 8/25/2005 10:26 pm ET ET by pooldiva
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