Help! Where do you draw the line?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Help! Where do you draw the line?
43
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 2:35pm

I don't want to swear off men completely and think I'll always be alone... and I don't want to fall back into the trap of being attracted to bad boys...

Basically I don't trust myself to fall for the right guy!! The guy I'm with now has a good job, takes good care of his daughter, owns his own home, does things for me (fixes my car, cleans my house, helped me move, etc), looks after my son. He even calls when he says he'll call. And he is affectionate! Basically he has everything I was looking in a guy exept for a couple of traits I'm having trouble dealing with. Okay, so what about the bad qualities your asking? He can be controlling (doesn't like to be left alone for long periods of time because he feels "abandoned", especially if left in unfamiliar areas), he thinks he is always right, he hardly ever says he is sorry (unless he feels he has reason to say he's sorry), he questions me about what I do and what my motives are, he is an extreme penny-pincher (he complained the entire time we were on vacation about how much everything is costing, from the food to the gas), and he and I clash as far as him being more of a homebody and me wanting to be out and around large groups of people. Also he expects me to read his mind, because he shouldn't have to "tell" me these things.... I should automatically "know" something.

Basically, I know I'm a commitment phobe and I tend to run away from relationships when the going gets tough... I don't trust myself enough to know when I can make the right decision to leave... or because I expect a relationship to be perfect and there won't be any bumps in the road... I see it this way... if someone is not willing to budge on anything, why should I be the one to budge on everything? I just don't know when I am being unrealistic when it comes to leaving a relationship... someone told me if you are unhappy most of the time, it's as good enough a reason as anything... she said you don't need infidelity or physical abuse in order to warrant leaving a relationship. I stayed in many relationships that I was the one giving all the time and not receiving anything. Maybe I'm the one in this relationship who is the taker and he's getting frustrated with me the way I was frustrated with them...

He is VERY abrupt in the way he asks me questions. I've asked him time and time again to be a little less abrasive when asking things because otherwise I automatically get defensive or shutdown when questioned out-of-the-blue. For example, a couple of weeks ago when I moved in with my mom, I decided to stay a few days at her house instead of his house (but I didn't tell him I was doing this...each day I just told him I was planning to spend the night at my mom's instead of coming over like I normally do)... So after the week was over he asks me, "Is this going to be a pattern from now on?" With a very harsh tone of voice. I kept telling him I had a problem with the way he approached this, and he accused me of being upset because he "caught on" to my "pattern" and was questioning me about it before it got to be more of pattern. He said I should have told him I was spending the time at my mom's so that he would know this. I think this was a trust issue.

Then another time I wore a tank top a couple of times in a row and I was approached with "What's the matter? Did you run out of shirts to wear?" Later to find out it made him uncomfortable for me to be that exposed (I have a big chest). One day he can take, but he said a couple of days in a row seemed to be unusual for me, especially since the weather was not as hot as it had been last week and I didn't wear them then (I said the reason I was wearing the tank tops was because I was hot...he doesn't have A/C at his house and I walked out the door in the tank top). He accepted my reason, and didn't bring it up since.

I know partly I am looking for a reason out... because I'm afraid of commitment... When things are going too easy and there is no more of a challenge I tend to seek out the wrong and then abandon ship!

Help! I don't know what I need to do anymore! I feel that after we talk things start to mkae sense again and I realize why I'm with him, but I'm so afraid to get hurt again that I want to end things now before something bad happens like him cheating on me! And I feel I have built a wall around my heart that he hasn't been able to completely penetrate. I feel like I want for him to give me all, but I can't give it my all because I just did that in my previous relationship and he took all my giving powers away... I know that relationships are give and take, but I'm afraid if I give too much, he won't keep giving the way he is giving now....


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 5:33pm

PD,

I'm glad things have been resolved at your job, but the part about him asking about the kids and telling you both that whatever personal contact you have should take place on your own time -- I soooo wish you could've stated for the record in THEIR hearing that you want NOTHING FURTHER to do with him. No contact on the job and no contact especially outside the job.

Why do you have 4 free days of him? Are you taking time off from work or is he?

You might want to consider moving, esp. if he shows up unannounced at your place after working hours or on the weekend.

Stay safe and keep in touch. I'm really concerned about you.

Heymum

*edited for privacy reasons




Edited 8/26/2005 4:17 pm ET ET by heymum
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 10:26pm

Heymum,

I accidentally put my name in the thread, could you please edit your message to remove it? Thanks... :) I don't want to allow him any chances to run across this. It's been such a stressful day and I'm really on the edge...

I had a security guard walk me to my car today and I plan on doing that for a good while. I wish I stated about cutting off complete contact, but I guess they couldn't control what he does outside of work... Maybe there is also some sort of policy that they cannot tell him that... Had they said it, it may have deterred him enough not to get into any sort of contact with me!

I was just about to block his e-mails, but he managed to get another e-mail in there before I got the chance. This time he was very quick and to the point. Saying Hey ol buddy, what's up. We have some things to discuss. He said we never came up with the exact amount of money I owe him (which is true, I told him I would pay him back the money I owed him but I never gave him an exact figure). He asked me what amount did I come up with. And he asked me when will I come to pick up my things. He prefers I pay him and pick up asap. Saying he hopes in the next couple of weeks.

The money HE told me I had to pay back explicitly was the money for a loan (he wrote me a check, so I have the exact figure on that). The other thing is $ for a rental car when we went on a trip. And the only other money I feel I owe him is a couple of miscellaneous items like gas (when I broke down), groceries (when I offered to pay half that time), b-day gift for his cousin, and a boat trip. He gave me a little money at the beginning of the relationship, but he told me THEN that I didn't have to pay him back for that (he told me THIS when he gave me the money which was about 7 months ago). So I don't know if he's considering that (I'm sure he is). I don't want to leave the figure up to him to come up with.

Since I don't want to start back with having ANY CONTACT with him, I'm trying to figure out the best way to proceed. I want to get rid of this as soon as possible myself so that it's all said and done. My thought was to ignore the e-mail again, come up with the amount I think is fair. Call him to schedule a time to come and pick the things up. When I pick up the things, then I'll give him his money. I fully intend on bringing many people with me including the police.

Oh, the four free days is that he's gone tomorrow, and I'm gone Monday.

I'm taking all necessary precautions surrounding my living arrangements.

Thank you so much... I will be keeping in touch.

Talk to you soon,

PoolDiva




Edited 8/25/2005 10:31 pm ET ET by pooldiva
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 12:27am

hey, i'm jumping into a long thread so forgive me if i missed something you wrote previously. i feel compelled to chime in because you seem really spooked.

i guess i don't understand why you're feeling physically intimidated. i get that this man is kind of an a**hole (why you broke up with him)... and he propositioned you for sex after the breakup (a no-no, but still something that happens post-breakup in lots of relationships)... but has he ever actually made you feel like he might try to hurt you physically?

it's always a good idea to bring a friend during the post-breakup move-out, but not sure why the police are necessary? or even the security guard escort in the parking lot? i know, better safe than sorry, so half of me says i shouldn't even be writing this...

i guess my point is that you know this guy better than any of us. did you ever fear for your safety before you came to ivillage? are you acting on advice that goes against your OWN instincts?

that being said, if your instincts are telling you he really is dangerous, then you're absolutely doing the right thing.

just another perspective. best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 9:19am

Maria,

I've gone through this sort of thing before... I never had it happen to me at work. But when I was in high school I had a friend who didn't take my rejection of him very well and he began to stalk me. He even went so far as to follow me 300 miles away and enroll in the same College, where he stalked me, called my dorm room every 5 minutes from 1:00am until 5:00am, crazy glued my lock shut. He never resorted to violence, but I made sure to cut it off as quickly as possible (not as fast as I would have liked) by getting campus security and the RA and RD involved. The longer someone waits in these situations the worse it gets and it can really escalate.

Maybe I am being a little over the top when it comes to the whole safety thing. But my motto has always been, I'd rather look insane or weird then up hurt or killed. Also, it kind of makes someone wake up and realize they don't want to GO THERE and risk going to jail.

I just read an interesting article the other day about how abusers, rapists, molesters, and stalkers all have one thing in common. They are all COWARDS. They prey on victims who are weak and don't give them much of a fight. The minute a victim confronts them (by looking at them and asking them something as simple as what time it is) or fights them they abandon their prey in search of an easier target. So, I'm doing all I can to not become an easy target, EVER.

I've heard too many times... We never saw it coming... or... Who would have thought? How could something like this happen? Or my favorite... He never had any prior convictions and this is his first offense.

People snap. For whatever reason, we don't know. I'm not going to provoke him in any way, but I'm making sure I have my back covered. I feel more women should do this and not feel bad about it. As long as I'm not going out of my way to hurt him or do anything to antagonize him, I feel that I am within my right to do everything I can to protect myself and my family.

Thanks for keeping things in perspective. I'll make sure not to get carried away...

PoolDiva




Edited 8/26/2005 10:00 am ET ET by pooldiva
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 12:57pm

First of all, congratualtions!!!

Ending a relationship even when you know it's the right thing to do is always so tough and the fact he's a little unstable just makes it that much harder abd scarier.

I just wanted to chime in on figuring out what you owe him. I'd avoid discussing it in person or even on the phone. I'd just make up a spreadsheet that shows everything you feel you owe him and the total and if you have to pay him back in more then one payment a payment schedule. Then wait for his response and once you're both agreed go and pick up your things and make your first payment (hoeofully only). Be sure to save all the emails so you have a paper trail in case he tries to sue you for more.

FYI-I did the same thing you did when I broke up with an emotionally abusive boyfriend. I made sure that several people at work knew what was going on and that my ex had no business on company property and to please let me know if they saw him anywhere near our offices and to please stop him if they saw him headed to my office. I let them know I might be being a little paranoid, but better safe then sorry. They were all really understanding about it.

Good luck and again congratulations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 4:33pm

PD,

The whole thing about him saying you and he have some things to discuss sounds like a ploy to keep up some sort of contact. All he needed to say was the dollar amount of what you owe and a time he'd be available for you to come by and pick up your things. Or better yet, why not have him box up everything and just bring it to the office (if you can trust him to return all your things and not pull any monkey business). That way, you don't have to go out to his place at all.

As for future contact with him in resolving the money issues, do you have a friend or family member who's a lawyer? It would be so great if the atty. could fire off a letter telling him to cease and desist all personal contact with you and to direct all future correspondence, questions or concerns to the atty. It would probably really chap his hide, but it would show him you mean business.

Have a safe weekend and let me know how things go.

All the best,
Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 4:32pm

Sorry I didn't write you back right away Nick91171.

Thank you for your congratulations! I really feel blessed that I have supportive family and friends who didn't turn their back on me when I ended up isolating them due to this destructive and abusive relationship. I am especially happy to have had the wonderful advice and support from Ivillage.

I set up a spreadsheet (per your and some other people's suggestions) and I'm looking it over very carefully and treading lightly before I send it out to him... I also have a lawyer who said he would be happy to look it over...

As every day comes and goes, I feel more and more like myself again. I am also rediscovering just who I AM again! I've lost myself WAY to many times to count and this time I plan on holding on tight to myself and never letting myself go again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 4:52pm

Hello Heymum!

How are you doing? I am doing SO MUCH better! The weekend gave me a lot of time to rest and recoup... I got things done that needed my attention a YEAR ago... My son and I had a blast playing and going to the park... My mom and I watched some funny movies, she took me out and treated me to a new pair of kick-*zz boots (These boots were made for walkin... and that's just what they'll do.... One of these days, these boots are gonna walk all over him...) All in all, I am regaining what I had lost all these months and learning things about myself!!

Unfortunately my moving stuff is hard because I have this heavy *zz TV. I'm trying to recruit some men to help me move it... So at least they will be a bunch of people with me...

I am going to consult my lawyer about the best way to handle the money issues... I drew up a spreadsheet on how much I feel I was going to pay him back. I don't have the entire amount right now, but I could probably scrounge enough to be able to pay him off by the end of September (the sooner the better).

I came in this morning and his desk had been moved (as they assured me). It's such a relief not to have to see him anymore with him trying with all his might to act superior and intimidating. Pouting around like a little schoolboy, biting his fingernails and kicking rocks on the ground. IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK ON ME ANYMORE!!! I look at him and can't believe I gave him the power over me that I had. That is the worst thing about emotional and verbal abuse... there are no obvious scars to the outside world. No one can ever know what happened. This is what gives me comfort on this board and when I talk to my friends and family... You are all witnesses to this, and I can never feel like it never happened (like the abuse I suffered growing up at home).

Thanks again heymum, I still want to keep chatting with you. You have really helped so much and I don't want to turn to you only when I have a problem or when something is going wrong! :) Although you are one heck of a pro at giving great advice and offering some great humor along the way!

Take care, talk to you soon...

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 7:56am

Don't worry about not responding we all have busy lives.

I knwo just what you mena about feeling like yourself again. About nine months into my abusive relationship I started seeing a psychotherapist. The first one I went to wanted to put me on antidepressants after talkignt o me for 30 minutes mostly because I said that I had been depressed for (though I didn't take anything then either) and becasue I said I didn't feel lile myself any more.

I didn't like the fact she was so quick to want to put me on drugs as a solution so I went to another therapist who was more appropriate for me. Over the course of the next six months I realized that I wasn't going crazy and that the problem really wasn't me I was having a perfectly normal human response to being in a bad relationship with a person who was very narcissitic and manipulative.

With the help of my therapist, mt friends, and my family I finally ended it on New Year's Eve 2002. To make a long story short it didn't end up COMPLETELY over that night but it got him out of my house, which is what I needed to find the strength and get back to myself so I could end it for good.

Within six months I was, more or less, back to my normal happy confidant self. It felt awesome.

As warped as it sounds, I'm glad it happened. I'm stronger, more understanding, more appreciative, and more confidant in myself then I was before it happened. Don't get me wrong it sure did stink while it was happening but it really is true, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Hang in there, it only gets better from here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 2:57pm

Hey PD,

It was really good to hear from you and to know you're doing well. You definitely sound better and stronger, and I'm glad my advice was helpful to you. Sometimes God allows us to go through things so we'll learn and be able to help others.

I'm doing fine. My heart is heavy for the folks whose lives have been devastated by Hurricane Katrina. The destruction is just unbelievable! It really serves as a reminder just how fragile life is and that each day of life God gives us is precious. Things really can change on a dime.

As for the verbal and emotional abuse, while unfortunate, I think your situation serves as a reminder to us both that "everything that glistens ain't gold." It can be so easy to get "hooked" on the great way a guy treats us in the beginning of a r'ship. At any time, you should be able to ask yourself, "Would I have continued seeing him if he had treated me this way on our first, second or third date?" If the answer is no, then you probably shouldn't be with him.

Anyway, I definitely enjoy chatting with you too so let's keep in touch.

Talk to you soon...
Heymum