Help! Where do you draw the line?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Help! Where do you draw the line?
43
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 2:35pm

I don't want to swear off men completely and think I'll always be alone... and I don't want to fall back into the trap of being attracted to bad boys...

Basically I don't trust myself to fall for the right guy!! The guy I'm with now has a good job, takes good care of his daughter, owns his own home, does things for me (fixes my car, cleans my house, helped me move, etc), looks after my son. He even calls when he says he'll call. And he is affectionate! Basically he has everything I was looking in a guy exept for a couple of traits I'm having trouble dealing with. Okay, so what about the bad qualities your asking? He can be controlling (doesn't like to be left alone for long periods of time because he feels "abandoned", especially if left in unfamiliar areas), he thinks he is always right, he hardly ever says he is sorry (unless he feels he has reason to say he's sorry), he questions me about what I do and what my motives are, he is an extreme penny-pincher (he complained the entire time we were on vacation about how much everything is costing, from the food to the gas), and he and I clash as far as him being more of a homebody and me wanting to be out and around large groups of people. Also he expects me to read his mind, because he shouldn't have to "tell" me these things.... I should automatically "know" something.

Basically, I know I'm a commitment phobe and I tend to run away from relationships when the going gets tough... I don't trust myself enough to know when I can make the right decision to leave... or because I expect a relationship to be perfect and there won't be any bumps in the road... I see it this way... if someone is not willing to budge on anything, why should I be the one to budge on everything? I just don't know when I am being unrealistic when it comes to leaving a relationship... someone told me if you are unhappy most of the time, it's as good enough a reason as anything... she said you don't need infidelity or physical abuse in order to warrant leaving a relationship. I stayed in many relationships that I was the one giving all the time and not receiving anything. Maybe I'm the one in this relationship who is the taker and he's getting frustrated with me the way I was frustrated with them...

He is VERY abrupt in the way he asks me questions. I've asked him time and time again to be a little less abrasive when asking things because otherwise I automatically get defensive or shutdown when questioned out-of-the-blue. For example, a couple of weeks ago when I moved in with my mom, I decided to stay a few days at her house instead of his house (but I didn't tell him I was doing this...each day I just told him I was planning to spend the night at my mom's instead of coming over like I normally do)... So after the week was over he asks me, "Is this going to be a pattern from now on?" With a very harsh tone of voice. I kept telling him I had a problem with the way he approached this, and he accused me of being upset because he "caught on" to my "pattern" and was questioning me about it before it got to be more of pattern. He said I should have told him I was spending the time at my mom's so that he would know this. I think this was a trust issue.

Then another time I wore a tank top a couple of times in a row and I was approached with "What's the matter? Did you run out of shirts to wear?" Later to find out it made him uncomfortable for me to be that exposed (I have a big chest). One day he can take, but he said a couple of days in a row seemed to be unusual for me, especially since the weather was not as hot as it had been last week and I didn't wear them then (I said the reason I was wearing the tank tops was because I was hot...he doesn't have A/C at his house and I walked out the door in the tank top). He accepted my reason, and didn't bring it up since.

I know partly I am looking for a reason out... because I'm afraid of commitment... When things are going too easy and there is no more of a challenge I tend to seek out the wrong and then abandon ship!

Help! I don't know what I need to do anymore! I feel that after we talk things start to mkae sense again and I realize why I'm with him, but I'm so afraid to get hurt again that I want to end things now before something bad happens like him cheating on me! And I feel I have built a wall around my heart that he hasn't been able to completely penetrate. I feel like I want for him to give me all, but I can't give it my all because I just did that in my previous relationship and he took all my giving powers away... I know that relationships are give and take, but I'm afraid if I give too much, he won't keep giving the way he is giving now....


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 4:55pm

Heymum!

How have you been? I have also been reading about the disasters and sadness of Hurricane Katrina... I am so dumbfounded! I didn't realize the extent of it, every day it appears to be worse and worse!

Going to your last message...I really liked when you wrote: "At any time, you should be able to ask yourself, "Would I have continued seeing him if he had treated me this way on our first, second or third date?" If the answer is no, then you probably shouldn't be with him." The answer is an resounding NO.

I think this has really been shocked his system. ME standing my ground and not taking any SH*TT (let's hope)... I have yet to collect my heavy TV and things... I'm looking into some moving companies that might have the muscle power I need... provided they don't have the hefty dollar sign attached to them... I wrote him the e-mail to tell him what I feel I owe him and when I intend to pay him (he agreed to the amount and the terms...I will have him sign off on it when I see him in person). I asked him to bring in my art portfolio this week (it can fit in his car), because I'm starting a class this Monday (I didn't tell him all that). He offered to bring my stuff on the 15th and meet me in a parking lot behind our building (so it wouldn't be on company property because then he would be in violation and they would "terminate" him as he put it). But I will turn that down, I don't want to meet him at a parking lot... I'll just wait and collect everything at once... hopefully by next week.

He's staying VERY clear from me, so far that has been a real relief... He knows I mean business.

This past weekend was the best weekend I had in months!! I got to play in a pool tournament... My favorite pastime! And I played the best I've played in 8 months! I was BACK!!!

I've taken up belly dancing... so that's been fun... touching on my mediterranean roots... meet some new friends possibly... I've lost 5 pounds and replaced it with muscle, getting really close to my pre-pregnancy shape (I've been working out and/or doing aerobics, pilates, belly dancing, etc every day)... I feel I've gained back my energy and motivation!

I don't know when I'll be ready to "date", but I've looked at what's out there and I'm hopeful that I'll be ready to swim again soon... There's lots of fish in the sea... I will DEFINITLY be taking things slow, and I'll be "dating" lots of people... not going to rush into anything again! The minute I see a red flag, it's SIONARA (sp?)!!! See ya, don't wanna be ya!

Well, hope to hear from you soon!

All the best,

PoolDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:27pm

Hey PD,

It was great hearing from you! Glad to know you're doing well and that you're getting back to being yourself and enjoying life. I'm also glad to hear that the NUT is keeping his distance from you. Watch your back though and still take every precaution to protect yourself. I don't trust him. When he gives you your things back, make sure you have someone else there with you -- just in case he snaps or tries anything funny.

I'm sure with all he's put you through, you're stronger and smarter for it.

I'm doing well. I just posted my photo on a dating site but have yet to decide whether I'll cough up the $ to be a paying member with full benefits. I'm getting lots of hits, but haven't seen anyone I feel intrigued enough about to want to contact. I doubt I'll meet the man of my dreams on there, but I figure it's worth a shot nonetheless.

Take care and keep in touch!
Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 4:26pm

Heymum,

It was so nice hearing back from you… I’m sorry I didn’t have a chance to respond sooner…. I’m still watching my back and I’m definitely going to have people with me when I collect my things…. I’m trying hard to put that chapter of my life where it belongs in a book on a shelf of my relationship bookcase.

Coincidently, I’ve also put a photo on a couple of dating sites…. I hope you’ve had some interesting prospects since the last time we talked. I’ve been on three dates… with three different guys. I’ve been reading a book that says I shouldn’t just date one man, but I find that dating more than one guy at a time is too much work for me… especially being a single parent.

So far one guy has my attention… I have had a wonderful time with him…. I’m trying my best to keep things slow and not get ahead of myself… It’s hard to do when I really connect with someone. The chemistry between us is off the charts, but I’m trying to keep my eyes open and stay in the moment…. SO HARD TO DO!! Right now in my life, I’m looking for fun and good company…. I’m not looking for marriage, but at the same time I’m not looking for just sex. And if and when sex does come into the picture, then I want to be exclusive (not necessarily boyfriend/girlfriend) but I want to be the only person he is having sex with… I don’t want to be amongst a bunch of people he’s dating AND having sex with… I know myself, and I can’t be comfortable with that.

I’ve been proud of myself that I haven’t been obsessing too much about him and idealizing him… I say too much, because I can't help but think of him (but I'm not eating, breathing and dreaming of him)....I’m trying to adopt that concept of learning to accept a person the way they are… So, since I don’t know him very well, I’m trying to get to know him for his real self (which they say won’t emerge for another 4 months, when the masks come off)….

I can say this honestly heymum, I have a hard time trusting myself to decide if someone is right for me… Also, things always go so wonderfully at the beginning (like your Chris Rock analogy of the guy’s rep), that I’m either waiting for the other shoe to drop (like okay, this is great but SOMETHING has got to be wrong) or I get stuck trying to remember the way they were at the beginning of the relationship (they were SO wonderful to me at the beginning). Also, I do have trouble with trust, and I feel that if I only see them once or twice a week, I either give them the opportunity to see other people and/or I become easily forgotten (out of sight, out of mind).

Also, I'm afraid that I will go slow, take things as they come, really start liking the person and then when it's time to sh***t of get off the pot I won't know what to do... If I accept someone who is not perfect (which no one is), how do I know if I am settling? Will I be accepting bad behavior again because I think that this is who they are? That I can't change them, so I should accept the way they are? I should be able to see the blatant red flags (I did with the other two guys I went on dates with)... So I'm trying not too look for them TOO hard... I'm afraid of the wolf in sheep's clothing... But I guess even the wolf gets too hot under the costume and will have to get out of his clothes...

Anyhow, I’m venting and I'm in need of some support for the road ahead, wherever it may lead… All I know is, I'm going down this road on my own, if someone wants to tag along they are welcome, but I'm not getting off my path to go on theirs... they need to be parallel with me and cross with me a couple of times...

Here’s to my newly found freedom, the right to be myself no matter what, not taking things personally, not rushing into anything, and remembering that I’m worthy of being happy!!!

Thanks, take care
PoolDiva

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