Her ex is back, should I be worried?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 07-28-2005 - 9:47am |
Well, my g/f and I have been dating for alittle over 3 months. She's 24 I'm 25. I'm in love with her and she has told me the same and everything was going good up until afew days ago. Before there were afew issues, but we handled them and things were great.
We were in bed lying around talking and relaxing and her cell got a text msg. She got a stunned look and said I wouldnt like it. Turns out it was from the guy she dating before she met me. He is from a city 5 hours away or so. They met here in town and he would come here for work and she went there afew times.
It ended because she says she realized it wouldnt work long distance and she didnt really call him. He didnt call her for more than a month, then on the night we met he calls and leaves a msg Hey hows it going blah blah gonna be in town we should get together. I told her he was a jerk and to ask herself why it was more than a month.
We werent dating(it was our first night together) and when she asked if she could call I said I didnt have a right to say yes or no...so she called him the next day. He said he wanted to see if she would call him, he busy with work, just complete BS if he were at all emotionally attached to anything but the sex. He said he would call more, she said she got mad at him, so I thought no problem end of discussion. And for the rest of the time together things were good.
So this text msg he sent was along the lines "Hey just wanted to say hi, wondering how you were, I still think about you. Call me (cell #). That night didnt go well, she said she might call him, I asked why, why would a woman who says she loves someone, that she wouldnt do anything to hurt him(ie anything with another person) want to bring about her past like that.
The next night she shows me her phone its his number he called that afternoon. Before that she texted him her number. I admit I got upset. I almost walked out. If it was me I would have seen how SHE felt and cared more about her feelings than contacting some woman I dated for a couple months. She says he wasnt her boyfriend, etc.
Things that were brought up: She originally wanted to know why he called after more than a month then he goes away and contacts her again after all this time. I told her to drop it but she basically said she has trouble leaving things behind in the past.
I asked her straight if I should be worried and she said No, I would never hurt you. But when I asked if she would want to see him if he came to town she said yes. Her reason: I still think about him, I care about him and I miss him.
I am going to tell her that the whole situation bothers me, it hurts that she doesnt care how I feel, but I can't tell her what to do.
So should I just trust her, that she loves me and won't hurt me(again the "I care for him" hurt to hear). Can I just sit back and wait around if he does come to town and she goes to meet with him?
Or do I just get firm and tell her to grow up and leave her past in the past, if she wants to build a future, doing so is necessary, and ask who she wants to hurt, her previous dating partner who hasnt talked to her in months or the man she says she loves. I'd be risking having her think I'm controlling and have resent this, perhaps not now but eventually.
I know she has a past, everyone does. I told her I don't care. But I don't know if I can handle her past intruding on our present. She told me if any of her past b/fs or guys she dated wanted back in her life she would probably let them and continue friendship or hanging out. I just don't know what I can do. I'm losing hope.
Thanks for any advice. Mike

My two cents...
It isn't looking good. She's attached to a man that doesn't care about her at all. As you said, if he was truly interested in her, why did it take over a month to call her and why is HE testing HER (seeing if she'd call him, etc).
It sounds like she's not over him.
This paragraph here speaks volumes (assuming you wrote it verbatim, "I asked her straight if I should be worried and she said No, I would never hurt you. But when I asked if she would want to see him if he came to town she said yes. Her reason: I still think about him, I care about him and I miss him."
She's with you, because he moved away, or was too far away. But in her heart, she still wants him. She may love you, but the other guy, is a fantasy, that it seems she's willing to hurt you, to fulfill that fantasy.
Honestly, I would tell her, "you said, "I would never hurt you", but you ARE hurting me, you hurt me by saying that you still think about him, still care about him, STILL MISS HIM, and yet, you keep telling me you'd never hurt me. Well, you HAVE hurt me."
I would make her choose. Because at this point, those three sentences says a lot about how she feels about him. If he was just a friend type, who she thought about every so often, to see how he's doing, she'd never say she missed him, she'd never say, "i still think about him". She would've said, "oh, i just wonder how he's doing, hope he's doing well, etc". Cuz the only time I'd say something like what she said, is when I'm still pining after a guy. BTDT.
Hugs. Wish I could tell you better news. But it doesn't look so good for you.
~pineapple_girl
Well first of all Mike, you sound like a wonderful, sincere and very caring man. The world needs more men like you! ;o)
I agree with the first poster. While you can't force her to choose, you can tell her that she's hurting you, you aren't cool with the situation and bow out gracefully now. Perhaps when she's done with "Larry, Moe and Curly" and is finally ready for the love of a good man, she can look you up.
Of course by then, some other lucky woman will have found you and meanwhile, she'll be left wondering what could've been.
All the best,
Heymum
P.S. I think it was really tacky and highly insensitive of her to show you her cell and talk about his calls to her. She sounds immature and stuck on a guy who's full of crap.
Mike,
Sorry to say I've seen this a thousand times. There are two important things for you to realize here Mike:
1.) She does love you (to an extent. Love grows over time, and there are varying degrees of love.), and she loves being with you. She isn't lying when she says that. She has feelings for you. Just not terribly strong ones yet. Watch her actions, don't listen to her words. If she says she loves you and then goes out on the town with this other guy, then she doesn't really love you as much as you thought. Always watch a women's actions, don't listen to her pretty voice and soft words. It puts us men into a trance and we don't act like ourselves! :)
2.) She's young and beautiful. Two very dangerous combinations in this day and age for a woman to have. My guess is she's very, very beautiful. Unfortunately she isn't ready to settle down with anyone right now, even if it's just as your exclusive g/f. The good news is that means both with you and with this other guy. So while she goes and hangs out with this other guy, just know it may last for awhile, but not for long. She's just not mature enough to handle it. It sounds like if guys are chasing her down from 5 hours away that she's probably quite the hottie. That means she gets attention from lots of guys all the time. WOMEN LOVE ATTENTION FROM MANY GUYS. It's extremely validating to the fact that they are desirable and still very beautiful. Younger women especially thrive off of this more than just about anything else. Look at Paris Hilton. That girl lives to walk the red carpet. What's the point of the red carpet anyway? Have you ever thought of that? It's TO DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF. Paris is the epitome of that. Women love it. Attention is as necessary to them as air. Sadly it spells doom for you, at least for now.
She needs to grow up and mature. Unfortunately that takes time, and many times it involves her getting hurt by these jerks a few times until she realizes that she's not attracted to that type of guy anymore, and that she wants to settle down.
You are clearly a great guy. You would treat her very well. Unfortunately she doesn't realize that. I feel you when you say that you love her. She loves you too, but not as strong. Have you ever felt that you're pulling the relationship a little more then she is? Be honest with yourself. Maybe I'm totally wrong here, but if she is going to take off with this other guy, then she just needs some time and space to grow out of it. You should wait and see what happens with this other guy, and if she's interested tell her that you've got to move on and do what's best for you, although you'ld like to stay with her. Tell her you can't dedicate yourself to a woman who won't dedicate herself back to him. If she wants to go off and romp around with other guys (as you said she has a past, I'm assuming she's quite the party girl), there is nothing you can do to stop her. Remember, she needs her attention. Attention that is impossible to give as just one person. If you try to prevent her, she's just going to hurt you more.
I might be totally wrong, but if I'm right DO NOT wait around for her to mature and get ready to be with you again, because it usually takes months and years. Meanwhile, find a woman who appreciates you and is still beautiful to you. I know, it's the hardest thing to find. It's rare but it exists. Good luck, and I hope I'm wrong. I hope she's head over heels for you and that maybe she's just testing you or something dumb like that.
Hey Mike,
For a second I thought I you were my boyfriend writing to this board. I too have contact with acouple of ex-boyfriends. My boyfriend HATES it. Let me ask you... are you and your girlfriend REALLY happy?? Sure maybe you're happy with the relationship, but do you feel she is?? I only ask this because, I feel if she was totally happy with you, and really into you, these guys wouldn't mean much to her. She wouldn't be 'holding on' to them. I do give her props for telling you about the conversations she has and that she still misses him. She obviously feels open enough to you to tell you these things and not expect World War III to erupt (as in my situation). I say, based on me being "this girl", she's not thinking of you in the long term.. these other guys, or the one hours away, has a hook in her. It's sad, because that guy is selfish and probably doesn't deserve her by any means. He obviously doesn't respect you if he's trying to inch his way back to her.
I have contact with an ex who lives hours away as well. He writes on occassion, but it's never for 'small talk'. Always bringing up how he misses me. I keep in touch with him because I still care about him- not so much for the attention, to feel wanted or beautiful, my current boyfriend fulfills that role.. although perhaps not so well because we argue all the time. Here's another question, do you two argue all the time?? That is a HUGE reason why I still talk to my ex. Very complicated.
To make a LONG story short: if you want what's best for you and her, then let her have her fun with rekindling old flames. If she can't let go of the past, she's going to have difficulty looking into the future. You said you two are together for 3 months?? I'm with my guy for nearly 7. I know since I can't break away from my past so quickly, I can't imagine anything lasting with me and my current boyfriend. I know it sounds terrible.. 3 months isnt long, save your time and energy. If she's not making an effort now to make YOU happy by letting go of these guys, she won't later. You're going to become part of her past and she's going to probably be doing the same bs to you: call you up while trying to get something started with another guy. She'll do that because, 'she has a hard time letting go'.
Another question: did she SHOW you the phone, or did you GO THROUGH her phone?? Just thought I'd throw that at you because my experience is, as soon as my back is turned, my boyfriend is flipping through my messages and past incoming calls.
Goodluck!