He's 65. I'm 35. Can it work for us?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
He's 65. I'm 35. Can it work for us?
9
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 6:41pm

Ok. Here is the deal. I was a hostess in a good friend's wedding a few months back. While handing out menus to the guest, I found myself looking in the eyes

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 10:38am

This is really a head vs heart matter.

I can see a lot of reasons not to pursue this relationship - You admit to being stunted in the department of relationship experience, yet you want to spend the rest of your life with this man after being with him only three months. Having been in love with an older man before, I can understand the reasons you list for falling in love with him. He brings out a sense of your true self that you hadn't been able to explore before. I do understand the appeal very much and maybe this experience will be very valuable for you. I just wonder if it's a good thing to attach yourself to long-term? Sexually this may be a really good match but do you have a lot in common mentally? Have you thought about the fact that, if you do "end up" together, you will spend most of the rest of your life as a widow? 35 is young to commit to that. The idea of supporting him financially is a dangerous one. I would highly suggest you put that on the back burner for a long time. He can manage without your help.

I don't know, just things to think about I suppose. It sounds like a great experience for now, but a very dubious one to commit to for life. Especially not knowing him very well yet.

PS: There is a board for "May-December" romance that is also under the Love section here. You should definitely check it out!




Edited 9/5/2010 10:39 am ET by undercovercrab
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 12:45pm

Hi Undercovercrab-


I completely agree that this is head vs heart. He is getting older and I am sure does not want to grow old alone. Starting over for him, especially with someone so young, may seem stressful and insecure for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 6:15pm

For me the biggest red flag would be that you've only known him for 3 months. That's still in the typical infatuation stage of early dating that often occurs. The first few months of dating, people tend to be on their best behavior, and it's easy to see only the good things and rationalize away all the bad.

At this moment, it's easy for you to imagine that this is going to lead to a serious long term relationship and you don't mind paying his way for things. A few months further in when you actually know each other better, you may feel differently. I'd say to be cautious and don't be making serious commitments with this man. If you still feel all head over heels later on, say another 6 months from now, then that's when you may be more clear about your feelings. As to wondering if it can work, sure anything is possible, but at least take some time to be sure about things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2006
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 9:39am

Although you say you understand and respect how he feels, it's obvious that you don't. Nearly everything you have written is about what YOU want, how YOU see things, what YOU believe is best for him, and how he SHOULD feel.

He has told you that he is not interested in a long-term relationship with someone your age. He is not comfortable with having you support him financially so that you can fulfill what are YOUR dreams. And, while you have made it perfectly clear how infatuated you are, you have said nothing that indicates that HE sees your "friendship" in the way you do.

Honestly, I find the intensity of your infatuation a bit scary. You SEE a guy, and without even getting to know him, you say he "almost drove (you) crazy inside" and that you'd never felt that way about anyone in your life....You didn't even KNOW him!

So, you contact him...and poof, three months later, you are involved in what you call a relationship even though you admit that he is respectable and "doesn't do the young thing". That is quite contradictory. Does HE consider you to be in a relationship? Further, does he contact you? Does he initiate your contact and meetings? or, could it be that he is politely tolerating your continued attempts to change his mind?

What concerns me most is your comment, "Am I wrong for wanting to make it work by any means necessary?" How can you make it "work" if HE doesn't WANT it to? I mean, there is nothing keeping him from having a relationship with you EXCEPT HIM.

Look, if you admire this man so much, stop trying to change him. If you can't accept your "friendship" for what it is, perhaps it would be better if you were to distance yourself from him in order to overcome your obsession.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 2:08pm

What exactly do you mean by "make it work?"

Live happily ever after, accepted by all, everything will be normal?

I also see some issues with your lack of experience in love relationships, since you said you've only had one relationship before him. I think the relationships that work out best are those when we are completely ourselves and in a happy place with who we are. We're a whole person, already ready for that other person. It sounds like he came along when you were having a big transition in your life and he was the "answer" you needed - for that time period. He may have filled a big void or really help you through that time, but relationships that start when one is not in the "right place" seem purely transitional to me. He could be your "transitional person," the person to help you through a tough spot and that's it. Just a guess.

It sounds like it has been very good so far, on so many different levels. You said it's brought out your own carnal, sexual instincts, but yet your have never been sexual yet. Can you imagine sex in 10 years with a 75 year old when you're in your prime?

So if he does not do the "young thing," then why is he doing the young thing right now?

For me, it would be a mistake at age 35 (I'm 34 by the way) to say I'm going to commit myself to someone financially and take care of them for the rest of their lives. I'd be cheating myself. I want a partner that is going to grow old WITH me, that's something I look forward to. He's already old and in 10 years, he's going to be 75. I've seem some spry old men, but I imagine sex and activity level would have to start dropping by this time.

I would probably have to chalk this one to one great experience and let it go at that. I see too much of a disparity for you guys to build something permanent. In the back of BOTH f your minds you'll always be thinking of the age thing and it's not fair to both of you to have to start something out like that.

The fact that he has brought out something inside you that you have never seen in yourself, doesn't mean that it's all contained with his powers. This is you now, you were perhaps just awakened. If he were to be out of the picture, you still have you and your awaken senses. There are others out there that will compliment you. This new you is not necessarily tied up in JUST him.

Three months into a good relationship is all about the highs - it feels so good, you think of forever, you beam happiness, you think you'd do anything for this person. You could ply it out for another 3-6 months to see how it feels, but in the end I think there are just too many differences with the age to really keep this going.

How is it that he's single? Does he talk about the "long term" also at only 3 months?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 3:17am

Kkayt2009--


I am not trying to change anyone. He is just as much an interested person in this relationship as I am. The post is written from my perspective, because I am the sharing my experience. I could have mentioned the fact that the feeling is very mutual between us and that he cares about me just as much as I care about him. That he absolutely initiates a lot of the contact on a daily basis, and I reciprocate, then he does-- like a healthy relationship where two people care about each other. It is definitely not one-sided, by any means.


I re-read my post and did not see how, in what I said, it appears I am trying to change him at all. He said he doesn't do the young thing and I told him I do not do the old thing. Then we both laughed, because we realized this was new for both of us, and that we never expected to feel this way about each other. About his finances-- what can I say? He is on a fixed income and never expected to be in a situation where he would want to date again or take someone out. I, understanding this, try not to make a big deal of it by either footing the bill OR suggesting we go to a bookstore or the park or something really simply. I just want to spend time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 3:32am

Hi Sienna,


I think about everything you've mentioned.


As far as the sexual thing is converned, he is the epitome of good health, because of his lifestyle. I know things can change within 10 years. And it was he who

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 2:21pm

Sounds like you just need to be in this for some more time to really get a sense of the long term. Gauge everything after the 6 month mark, 9 month mark and 1 year mark etc. Because it really is too soon to tell at 3 months, it really is. And when sexual intimacy does enter the picture then you can gauge after that too. I would suggest that to anyone who is dating someone regardless of the age component.

Basically you just need more data.

I do not believe in love at first sight. Love takes TIME, TRUST, GETTING TO KNOW, RESPECT someone - it builds over time. What you see at first sight is lust or extreme attraction - but not love in my book.

Do you think that this attraction/spiritual connection can only be found in this single man? If he feels mutual, what is he thinking for a long term situation? Or is he just enjoying it for the time being?

It might be hard for some of us to understand being attracted so someone 30 years old, so the May-December board can probably relate to your experiences if that is what you might be seeking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 9:30pm

Thank you, Sienna.


I will definitely do the gauging. I think that fact that we don't live together and we are not always around each other makes things refreshing.


I agree that love takes time and that what happens at first sight is not love. I was drawn to him and my nature is to run away from most things. The fact that I could not, in this situation, was important to me. I felt as if I had no say-so in this matter. Something MADE me say hello. I completely respect his mind and his way of thinking and already have a huge amount of trust for him, as he is truly concerned for my well being. He's forcing me to come up out of my shell, and I am grateful.


I did take another "Undercovercrab's" suggestion and visited the May-December board. I had no idea what the board was about, but it is exactly what I needed.


Thank you for your advice and insight, Sienna. I look forward to seeing how things go.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 2:03pm
Stop analyzing and enjoy the moment. The lesson is that life hits with the unexpected. It is up to the participants to roll with the punches. Time is the one thing no one can reclaim!
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