He's asked me to marry him, but...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
He's asked me to marry him, but...
11
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 5:11pm
I haven't gotten a ring. Time and time again he asks me to. He's asked for 2 years now. And it makes me happy. I want too. And I've said I will. But he insists I don't need a ring. He said I dont need an "object" to prove how much he loves me and wants to be with me. I really don't understand why a ring is such a bad thing. Do you think I should just let it go and accept it?

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Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 11:28am
Your Myspace says you're in high school. Why are you concerned about marriage when you're still in high school?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 4:41pm

Well, if you are in high school, I would be lying if I didn't agree with the other poster that you're probably a little young to be thinking about marriage. And I figure you'll probably listen to me about as much as I listend to one of my high school teachers when he said that high school sweethearts almost never work out. In fact you'll probably think the exact same thing that I did when he said it, "Look, just because it didn't work out for you..."

Here's the GOOD news, if you are very young and you're planning to get married the ring really shouldn't matter. He probably just can't afford one. Worry about having a wedding ring when the time comes not having an engagement ring now. Because let's face it, if you love the guy, you want to marry him with or without a ring. A ring is a symbol of your love for OTHER people to see. You shouldn't need to see a symbol of it because you should feel it with you all the time.

The only reasons for the ring to be important are 1) so you can show it off to friends 2) because you aren't sure he really means it and you think that would prove it.

Let me share with you something important I learned about love not too long ago. If you need proof of it beyond what you feel, it probably isn't the kind that is going to last. If you can't feel and know with all your heart that he loves and wants to be with you the rest of his life it's because it isn't a love that will last the rest of your life.

It IS love! And you should value it and nuture it and learn from it and cherish it always and you should never feel the need to qualify it if it doesn't last a lifetime. Love isn't good or bad or measurable. It just is what it is and and it lasts as long as it lasts. Not all love is meant to end in marriage. It's a tough thing to except because we all want the thigs that make us feel good to last forever, but they sometimes don't. That's just reality.

And yes I was with my high school sweetheart all through college. All together we lasted almost seven years. I regret none of them. I loved him and he loved me, but we grew apart is high school sweethearts often do.

So, go ahead and love this guy like crazy and if you believe with all your heart that you love him and that he loves you and that what both of you wants more then anything is to build a strong relationship that can last a lifetime then by all means don't let my experience dissuade you and ceratinly don't let a little thing like a piece of metal and a rock change your mind.

After all in the grand scheme of things, love and happiness are what matters in life and that ring wont bring you any love or happiness you don't already have within you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 7:38pm

Besides the fact that you're young, my two cents....if a ring is something you want, then he should get you one if he loves you. I'm NOT saying it should be expensive, but even if it's $50, if it's important to you, it should be important to him.

And I do not for one moment think a ring is something to show off or because I'm insecure. Don't listen to that. For some people, it's not important. For myself, its a symbol of my union to the man I marry. I don't care if its some $25 cheapy fake gold ring. It represents our union. Some people want rings for more reasons than to show them off or because they're insecure.

Lastly, marriage should be the last thing on your mind. At least until you're 25. :) And depending on what a ring means to you...if it's that important to you, it should be important to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:12am

Talk about reading something into things... Methinks ye doth protest too much.

Symbols are important, my husband wants to replace the stones in my engagement ring when we have the money. He doesn't think they are "big enough". I wont let him. This is the engagement ring he gave me and it's the one I'll be wearing the rest of my life. So it's not as though I don't value the symbolism of the gesture.

But it is just that, a symbol. The lack of a symbol should not be indictive of a lack feeling or a lack of intention. I walked around telling people I was engaged without a ring for about six months. I knew I was getting married and I wanted to share my good news and I didn't feel the need to have a symbol of that intent to offer as proof to other people or to mark me as taken.

It isn't fair or realistic to expect someone you love to value something JUST because you do or expect them to act in accordance with your desires at all times.

I would have preferred my husband had NOT bought me an engagement ring or that he would have spent less. There are lots of other things we could have spent the money on, like the wedding for example. Just because he didn't do what I wanted doesn't mean he doesn't care about my feelings or that he should have done it my way becasue "if it's important to (me), it should be important to him".

It was just as important to him for me to have the ring as it was important to me that he NOT spend the money on it. But I allow him to be his own man and make his own choices and sometimes that means that he does what's important to him and what's important to me has to be set aside. And that's okay, that's love. Expecting someone to act or value things because you do that isn't love, that's emotional enslavement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 11:59am

Me thinks you prefer ppl to not have diff values and pov's......

"A ring is a symbol of your love for OTHER people to see. You shouldn't need to see a symbol of it because you should feel it with you all the time."

That's what you wrote. Sorry if I misunderstood it. As it sounded exactly what you wrote. That it's a something to "show off" to show OTHER people. And you shouldn't need to see a symbol?

"love and happiness are what matters in life and that ring wont bring you any love or happiness you don't already have within you."

And yet, again, for some, it's a matter of what is important to them.

IF IT'S IMPORTANT TO HER, IT SHOULD BE IMPORTANT TO HIM!!!

(and this isn't about if she wants a BIG diamond or whatevers, i'm just assuming she wants a ring of any sort)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 9:06am

"IF IT'S IMPORTANT TO HER, IT SHOULD BE IMPORTANT TO HIM!!! "

But that isn't true. It isn't realistic to expect someone else to value something just because you do. Especially in a case like this where we have no idea WHY he hasn't bought a ring. Just becasue you love someone doesn't mean you become of one mind and suddenly agree on what's important in every regard.

In a good relationship between two nature adults (which isn't even the case here if I understand correctly), YES, sometimes one person will yield on something because it is clearly of more importance to their partner then it is to them. And that's smart it's called picking your battles wisely. But at other times your opinions and values will conflict and you can't always expect your partner to roll over and cave just becasue you stomp your little foot and say it's important to you. It might be just as important to them. And then the real test of maturity and love comes in and you have to try to compromise.

And you're absolutely right, "Me thinks you prefer ppl to not have diff values and pov's......" I would prefer that people not value things over people or place what I feel is too much importance on symbols and words and appearances and societal norms. I would prefer that people feel the way I do, that it is joy and happiness, love and respect that matters and if you have that screw the rest.

Not for my sake, their values have no efect on me or my happiness, but because I genuinely believe that placing too much importance on the wrong thing leads to unhappiness. It is just my opinion and I don't expect anyone to feel that way just because I do; but, you're absolutely right, I would prefer they did because I like to see people happy and untroubled. Which is why I try to share the values that hvae brought me happiness and contentment in my life.

Maybe it will work for some, maybe it wont; but, it never hurts to share a new point of view.

As for symbols in general I think they're great, but they are just symbols and we shouldn't place to much value or importance on them. It annoys the living daylights out of me when people burn the American flag, especially citizens; but, then I remind myslef it is just a symbol. It isn't what makes us free, the fact they can burn the flag is what makes us free. The flag is just a symbol. Easily replaced.

A wedding ring or engagement ring is no different. It's just a symbol of love. Yes, I would be disappointed if I ever lost my rings or if my husband lost his. But it's not that big of a deal. It's just a thing. It's a just thing that can be replaced. Our love can't be. That's what I value, not an object that symbolizes that love. It's just a thing.

--""love and happiness are what matters in life and that ring wont bring you any love or happiness you don't already have within you."

And yet, again, for some, it's a matter of what is important to them."--

But should it? Should the ring be of equally or greater importance then the love which it is supposed to represent? Should it be important? How important can we allow a symbol to be without doing a disservice to that which it represents?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 1:42pm

To each their own.....




Edited 11/17/2005 1:44 pm ET by inkeddogmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 9:58pm

My dad never gave my mom an engagement ring. They were too poor to afford it, and their money was better spent elsewhere. They have been very happily married for over 25 years.

Although I think a ring would be nice, if you *need* a ring in order to get married, I think you're not with the right person for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 6:50am
I agree w/ u.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2005
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 10:04am
WTF! What is a proposal without a ring! That sounds kinda suspicious to me...
I mean, at least for tradition sake, come on!

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