He's being distant

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2009
He's being distant
5
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 2:23pm

My fiance and I have been bickering a lot the past 4 months...over the same issues regarding kids, buying a house, etc. The constant bickering has taken a toll on him and he's become unsure about our future. He said it's difficult to think about kids and a house when we're so unstable. We had a big breakthrough Sunday night though and I'm trying to stop pushing for definite answers on how many kids to have or where to buy a house. After all, life has a way of not always working out the way you plan it.

Anyway, my issue now is how distant he's been. I know he's pulled away because of the bickering, but I wonder if he's become so detached that we won't ever be able to get back on track. We just aren't as goofy or affectionate as we used to be and I can't tell you the last time he tried to be romantic with little love notes or texts to let me know he's thinking about me. He used to tell me all the time how beautiful I am, but now he points out hot women on tv. We don't really have much to say to each other anymore and sometimes I feel like I'm forcing a conversation. We still have sex, but it's definitely not as passionate as it once was.

I know that over time as people get more comfortable in the relationship, the excitement wears off. But I feel like he's not making an effort anymore. His daughter stays with us every other weekend, so naturally we try to take advantage of our weekends without her to do stuff together, spend quality time. However, last weekend when we didn't have his daughter, my fiance went golfing all day Saturday and Sunday morning. He has recently taken up golf and was excited to use his new clubs, so I cut him some slack. But then he said he'll probably try to go golfing as much as possible on the weekends without his daughter. So when exactly are WE supposed to do all the things we talked about...fishing, amusement park, kayaking, etc.? To top it off, when I asked if he missed me since we didn't spend any time together that weekend, he said you can't miss somebody when you see them every day. Because we live together, he doesn't get to miss me.

He seems content to go about this with a wait and see attitude, while I think we need to focus on each other and spend time together to fix us. I know we can't go back to the beginning and all the intense feelings. And I know from experience that when I've begun to detach from a relationship, it has always ended in breaking up.

Can anybody give me an outside opinion on what might be going on with him? Is this the beginning of the end? Has anybody been in a situation where their relationship has hit rock bottom like this and they've bounced back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 2:33pm

jb30lynn,

I wish I could say that I'd been in a relationship that bounced back after similar circumstances, but I ended a five-year relationship after our bickering and distance just got to be too much. I hear your desire to fix the relationship before it gets to be too late, but in my experience, "fixing" only ends up being interpreted as being too pushy and often makes the situation worse. Unfortunately, until he also makes a commitment that he has come to on his own about trying to repair the relationship, things are unlikely to get better. I wish you the best though, and hope that he decides he wants to make things work too!



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uncommononsense
I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 3:56pm

jb30lynn,


Welcome to the board! What I am about to say is purely opinion and are just generalizations based on my own observations and mistakes during relationships. That being said:


A lot of men don't even want to think about kids, or marriage when they haven't established themselves professionally/financially. When he thinks of these two big life changing events, he thinks about having to provide for you and your children. No matter how much of an independent woman you are, any good man would want to be able to provide for his family.Its just what they do.


So I have to ask you, if you came home everyday from work for four months straight and your fiance would jump down your throat within minutes of walking in, would you be so excited about coming home(not saying this actually happens, but four months of arguing can wear somebody down)? I'm guessing thats why he isn't necessarily rushing home to you.


Look, marriage and children are a BIG deal. You have mentioned that he already has a kid, so he has an idea of what is expected of him and that's pressure enough. If he is an all around good guy, why continously get on his case about something that he's already gave you an answer about? I'm sure he doesn't want to be engaged forever.


Maybe the bottom line is is that you have a deadline in your head and you are pushing him to meet that deadline. If he isn't ready RIGHT NOW, are you willing to wait? Or is marriage and kids what you want RIGHT NOW?


Why

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2009
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 4:09pm

He is a good guy and that's why I'm trying to ride this out and hope that we can turn things around for the better. But how are we supposed to work on us if he seems more interested in spending time away from me? Like I said in my previous post, last weekend (when we didn't have his daughter) he went golfing Saturday and Sunday. We didn't spend any quality time. And he's already planning to go golfing again the next free weekend. He's been encouraging me to go out with my friends, mom, sister more. If I suggest watching something on tv, he'd rather go upstairs and play his PlayStation.

I know everybody needs time to themselves or to spend with friends and when you live together, it's difficult to find that "me" time. But I think it's especially important to sacrifice some of that "me" time when your relationship is on such rocky ground. How can you work on your problems if you don't really talk or do things together?

I guess he and I have different approaches to fixing this...he needs time to himself to think and I need some reassurance (quality time) that he's still committed to this (even if it's just watching the news before bed).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 4:25pm
I know its hard, the more he pulls away the more you want to grab on. I see that you both display different coping mechanisms. What usually happens on the weekends he has his daughter? Have you tried to just make the most of the time spent together on those weekends and let him see that you don't want to spend your time arguing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2009
Wed, 06-17-2009 - 4:41pm

The weekends with his daughter are all about her...doing the things she wants to do. So we concentrate on making her time with us fun, which means that our problems get pushed to the back burner. Neither of us wants to make the weekend uncomfortable by arguing when she's around.

So that's why I think when she's not with us, we should get out of the house and spend a Saturday doing something fun, just the two of us. It's so easy to sit at home and rehash the same old issues. Maybe once we're out of the "toxic environment" at home we can actually have a good time together and reconnect on some level. But it doesn't seem like he's interested in one-on-one time with me.