He's freaking out about future...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
He's freaking out about future...
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 1:59pm

So I have been dating my boyfriend for over 1 and 1/2 years. I think this is a pivotal point in our relationship, which has unfortunately meant a lot of thinking on my part and a bit of freaking out on his part. We love each other and see a future together, but he didn't think he'd have to go through this so soon. He is 26 and I am 28 - which I don't believe is a huge age difference, but maybe it is right now??

Anyways... Is this freaking out normal? Part of me thinks that if he really loved me he would be sure of what he wanted. Although once he said he knows what he wants but not when. I think this whole difference in opinion on "when" should happen is the problem. I don't want it now but I do want it in the near future. And I have no idea when he will want it and he doesn't know either. Unfortunately, this topic is brought up a lot (by me) and I think it is messing up our time together. I try to just let it be, but it still sometimes bothers me that it seems like our future is in his hands. Perhaps I have too much pride...



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2010
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 5:16pm

This has happened to my cousin and her now ex.. they had been dating for almost 4 years and he will be 28 this week and she 27 in Mid-April. She ended up breaking up with him because he couldnt "deliver" the goods.. meaning- find a nice job to be financially stable. Even though he bought the engagement ring and paid it off.. he had promised her a year ago he'd propose, and hadn't. Originally her cut off date was June but because there were other issues like him not getting along with her family, she ultimately thinks he is a better friend than a boyfriend...

I think that when you put too much pressure on someone it really fks up the relationship and with the person's mind, because they're going to be thinking about it alot and get pissed off at the time since the other person is always nagging about it.

Are you guys financially stable to move to that stage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Tue, 01-19-2010 - 10:18pm

Yes I think we are both financially stable. He really wants to buy a house first. He doesn't want his first big decision to be marriage. He wants to be able to offer something. It sounds old fashioned, but sweet. I just think he is a bit scared of the finality of things after you decide you want to marry someone. He said at that point you are basically married and not when you say "i do".
His family and I get along and my family likes him as well. The same with friends - we all get along.
I agree that bringing it up is not going to help the situation. So I think I will try to stop bringing it up. If he comes up with the idea of a future, he will have to do iton his own. Perhaps 1 1/2 years is rushing things?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 9:06am

Where you are at right now is normal feelings. I don't think age has anything to do with it, however maturity, and the fact of him being ready and wanting marriage is the bigger issue. I've been there and done that, and I have some insight to provide for you. Although your BF wants to buy a house first, and can't give you an idea or time as to when he wants to get married or propose, you can't push him as he has already given you his answer...which is no...not right now.

A couple of things you need to pay attention to when it comes to him. You say he wants to buy a house and is financially stable, is he putting money away towards a house and not spending it on stupid stuff. Is he hanging out with his buddies still, or has he gotten the "party time" out of his system? If he were ready, he's be actively saving towards buying a house, he would be going out ring shopping and not be scared about it, he'd be coming up with ideas on where to put your furniture in the house, and asking your opinions on things, etc, etc. Plus he'd straight up tell you as well.

You are clearly anxious and not sure as to your future with him, since he's providing no signs other than he's comfortable where he is right now. You will probably be the one to end this relationship, as the more time passes, and the more and more you ask him about "where does he stand and what does he want", the more miserable you will become.

So what do you do...back off him and work on you. Instead of bugging him (which I would if I were in your position), instead occupy your time with other things, whether it be school, hanging out with friends, and doing stuff for you. Basically, be your own independany woman. If he's not ready, in 6 months or a year from now, do you seriously want to wait around for him? The future is NOT in his hands, but it's in yours to make a decision whether you want to sit and wait around for someone that may never be ready...or the right one for you. Make a timeline for yourself, and exit the RL when you are ready. Remember there are guys out there that are 28 and older that ARE ready, he just may not be the right one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:44am
The others gave good insight. I just want to add this... If I were you, a woman who has been with a man long enough to know if he's got potential and who wants to start looking at marriage and a family within the next couple of years, I would be putting a mental time limit on how long I would wait for his "freak out period" to be over before I decided to move on. That doesn't necessarily mean an engagement ring, it just means if he continues freaking out about how "final" marriage is for too long, he's not sure about you and probably won't ever be. I don't mean to instill negativity here but every woman needs to have an idea of how much she's willing to take. A relationship without confidence isn't one that's going to continue. I know a good deal of married men around our age (26-28), and if I asked any of them, they would say that they didn't spend a long time worrying about marriage before proposing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 3:07pm

He is putting away money towards a house and trying to spend less. He has gone to look at a few houses with his realtor as well, but there has not been much out there. He sends me the information to every house he likes to get my opinion as well. He accidently told me that he looked at rings once, but only for a few seconds.

I am definitely getting anxious and it doesn't help that he's providing no signs of when he may want more. I hate always thinking about where he stands - it definitely gets frustrating.

I totally agree that I should occupy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2009
Thu, 01-21-2010 - 6:16pm

there's freaking out and there's freaking out.

if indecision is part of his overall nature, no big deal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 8:12pm

I think you probably need to stop talking about it so much if it makes him all nervous and freaked out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 2:25am
I have know a few couples where man got nervous so they broke up, and then they ended up getting back together and engaged soon after. An "if you love someone, let them go" sort of thing. It's a tricky situation, though, because I think a lot of men feel forced into marriage when threatened with a breakup and then end up getting divorced down the line. But taking some time apart might be something to think about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 1:31pm

I think

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 11:33am
So since my last post, there have been a lot of changes. He bought a house this past month and has included me a lot in those decisions and asked me to help decorate. I have brought up the M word again b/c I think it so weird that he is including me in these decisions but nothing is official or semi-official about the future. Although, he hints at it often and has said that he doesn't think I will be renewing my lease in the Spring. I don't know why I am not just satisfied with those signs. He has spent a lot of his savings on the new house so he wants to be able to save more before another big spending spree (i.e. ring, wedding). I guess I am just simple and would rather have a cheaper ring now than a more expensive one down the road.
Either way, I need to figure out a way to just calm down because I think my crazy constant thinking on "why hasn't he proposed yet" is making me different and not helping. I am sure having 4 of my friends and 2 of his (guys/girls) getting married this year isn't helping. Especially since some of them have dated for less amount of time than us. Its like why do they know they are good for the long run and we don't??
Any advice?