He's gr8 BUT....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
He's gr8 BUT....
26
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 11:53am
Hi All:
So this is my situation. I am finally dating someone new since my ex. My ex and I have been yo yoing around but I'm done and decided to date. It's been a year of yo yoing with my ex and so it's been a really long time since I have dated. So I met this guy and he is great! He has a gr8 job, a huge heart, great morals and values, a luxury car, his own place, and amazing body, very attentive to me, etc. The only problem is that he is not tall. I know I sound like an idiot but thats an issue 4 me. Am I just making excuses about this guy b/c I'm hung up on my ex? SHould I continue dating this guy? I mean my heart is not there but I feel like my heart will never be with anyone again. Me and my ex planned our lives together and I feel like a hippocrit! What to do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 12:12pm

Dear Scary name,

I hear ya loud and clear about the height thing. I have three sisters who are all around 6 feet tall. One is married to a guy 1 inch taller then her. The other is dating a guy much taller, and the other would like a tall man. It's hard as a taller woman. BTW how tall are you? How tall is he? If its a small difference in height that you feel you can live with, then I'd say go for it. Is he like 6 inches shorter? If that bothers you then maybe you don't want to get involved emotionally. However, there's the flip side of the coin... maybe you haven't dated him enough to really get to know him, and once you do you'll find out he's not for you anyway. Maybe he's really a jerk or he's arogant or whatever, so then if you broke it off you'd feel a lot less shallow for dumping a guy for his height.

I'm 6'5", and I find it so frustrating dating short girls. I know short girls are really great people still, but when she's like 5'2" or even 5'4", that gets so frustrating because I feel like I'm dating a 12 year old. It's uncomfortable trying to kiss her, let alone be physical because I have to bend down so far to kiss her. I know it sounds shallow, but it's actually one of 2 physical requirements I have in a woman. She has to be tall, 5'10" or so is perfect, but I'd go a little taller or shorter. (The other physical requirement is a great smile. One of those smiles that lights up her whole face. Gotta love those smiles!!)

Anyway, if height is a big issue for you, and he's significantly shorter (bad enough to where it gets in the way and you think about it a lot), then he's not for you. If it's doesn't bother you that bad, then just be thankful you found such a great guy and give him a chance. He probably will make up for it in other areas.

Good Luck,
-MFG

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 12:17pm
My name isn't scary : ( it's my sorority pledge name go figure. lol Anyhow he's not shorter thaan me but like my height. I'm 5'5" but I'm used to tall guys my ex was 6'3". Ugh I guess I will see but this really sucks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 12:58pm

I'd date him for a few months, and then see how you feel. I mean, I'm 5'1" so everyone is "taller" than me. but I always dated guys 5'10" to 6'. So, when I met an ex, who was 5'8" it was weird, then I married a man who was 5'7" even HARDER to get used to. Then, I dated my xbf, and he is 5'6" weirdest thign ever, but over time, I got used to it. However, I did go out on a date with a guy who was 5'2". I couldn't deal with it at all. I doubt I'd ever date anyone shorter than 5'8" again. I like taller men. And tha'ts what I want.

I'd give it some time, to see if you LIKE the guy, but know, if you do like him but still can't get past the height, you should end it. If you know you'll never get past the height, end it now.

good luck.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 12:59pm
i think you should keep dating around. not because he's short, but because you say your heart's not really in it. you're not quite ready for a new relationship just yet, IMO. there's nothing wrong with going out and having fun and dating lots of different people for a while. you heart WILL be there for someone else, i promise. just give it a little more time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 1:03pm
People always say you know when you meet the right person and I knew but now it's over. In my heart I have accepted that anyone that I am with is second best. Whenever I do get married I know that I will think of my ex and wish it was him by my side. That's why I feel I should just go along with it b/c ultimately no matter what from now on I will be settling either way
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 3:03pm

Well, the first thing you have to accept is that if you aren't with your ex there is a reason for it and as much as you might have THOUGHT he was the right guy for you he WASN'T!!!!!!!

If you really think anyone you marry will be second best to him you shouldn't even think about getting married because it would be HORRRIBLY unfair to whoever you'd marry just so you could say you were married and not be alone. So, first things first work on accepting the fact that there are MANY potential "the ones" out there and that you might be VERY surprised at just how many there are and just how many different packages he might come in.

Dating and hanging out for fun is fine but you really shouldn't be thinking about getting serious with a guy until you're over your ex (at least more then you are now) and if you still believe he's really the only one for you then you are FAR from over him. Focus on you and getting over him.

Stepping off soapbox...

I'm only 5'2" and I dated a lot of tall guys when I was younger, but as I got older I gave shorter guys a chance. My fiance is 5'7". What I learned is that it wasn't so much whether the guy was "tall" or not but whether I felt safe with him. When I dated guys that were short and weighed maybe 150 lbs soaking wet and couldn't even think about carrying me over the threshold I didn't feel "safe" or "protected". When I dated guys who were short but made me feel safe I didn't mind the fact he was short. My fiance may be only 5'7" but he's a former drill instructor who can take down a guy that out weighs him by 50 lbs or more and can carry me upsatirs to the bedroom like I weigh nothing (I actually weigh 160). When he puts his arms around I feel completely safe and have from date number one.

In fairness though, especially with me being short myself, I would't have dated a guy shorter then myself and I probably wouldn't have gone out with a guy under 5'6". I like wearing heels.

My 6'3" maid of honor has trouble dating because she wont date guys more then 3" shorter then she is. I can't really blame her. It's just so ingrained that the guy should be taller then the girl and I do think the whole feeling safe thing is a big part fo that still. We just instictually are more attracted to men we see as being good protectors and a guy that is shorter then us just doesn't convey that instinctual feeling of being safe like a taller guy does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 3:13pm
Thanks for the insight but I strongly believe in destiny and in knowing when yo umeet the right person and you feel with your fiance. Now imagine someone telling you that he's not the one for you when you just know he is. I may fall in love again but my heart will always be with him. I have plenty of ppl around me that have felt that way and marry other men just b/c they want to start a family. They lose all aspect of the being in love part. I know I now fall into that bucket and it's sad really sad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 4:34pm

I don't get it, why are you dooming yourself to a life of unhappiness just so you can hold stubbornly fast to a useless and outdated romantic notion. It's REALLY unhealthy.

Do you not believe you deserve to be loved and have someone love you in return, becaue it sure sounds like you don't?

I DID believe I had found someone before I met my fiance. I believed I should have been with him. I even held onto the hope that maybe one day it would come back around, but I cared enough for myself to believe in my heart that if it didn't come back around and if he didn't love me the way I loved him there must be SOMEONE out there it would work out with. Someone who would love me as mucha s I loved them.

So I took a long hard look back at things and began to see soem things I missed intially. Like the fact he was a little too much of a Momma's boy and he was a little too materialistic and a little too much of a workaholic. Things that I had ignored while we were together but would have made for long term hell if we had married. And I also realized that my instincts had TRIED to tell me it wasn't right after about a year together. Just little nagging doubts about if it would ever turn out the way I hoped.

If I hadn't stopped mooping around and crying about my destiny being thwarted I would have never met my fiance. You've got two choices spend your life alone and miserable or get over it and CHANGE your destiny it has only been determined if you do nothing.

It isn't that you can't find love again it's that you refuse to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 4:43pm
I know what you're saying and like you b4 my ex I was with someone for 5years and engaged but didn't feel it in my soul. My recent ex boyfriend loves me but is still hurt for my evil ways when we were together. He did come back to me but he felt that he still wasn't 100% ready. I told him I would date other people and he said to go right ahead but that he knows in his heart that I will never find that love that he and I shared and vice versa. It's not that I chose to turn love away b/c I really do want to love again and be loved but it never feels right. I can't explain it. I have made a choice to not hold on anymore and I am finally dating but it's just that dating. I expect nothing of anyone b/c I have no control over my heart and how it feels.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 9:53pm
I feel your pain... take it slow....enjoy getting to know this person... and be honest with him...Im not saying tell him hes short! :) But wait and see you dont have to know everything now.... but honesty goes a long way. Being dissapointed I can identify but also make sure youre not with this great person to just have a body. Hes a person with feelings too.

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