He's gr8 BUT....
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He's gr8 BUT....
| Wed, 09-14-2005 - 11:53am |
Hi All:
So this is my situation. I am finally dating someone new since my ex. My ex and I have been yo yoing around but I'm done and decided to date. It's been a year of yo yoing with my ex and so it's been a really long time since I have dated. So I met this guy and he is great! He has a gr8 job, a huge heart, great morals and values, a luxury car, his own place, and amazing body, very attentive to me, etc. The only problem is that he is not tall. I know I sound like an idiot but thats an issue 4 me. Am I just making excuses about this guy b/c I'm hung up on my ex? SHould I continue dating this guy? I mean my heart is not there but I feel like my heart will never be with anyone again. Me and my ex planned our lives together and I feel like a hippocrit! What to do?
So this is my situation. I am finally dating someone new since my ex. My ex and I have been yo yoing around but I'm done and decided to date. It's been a year of yo yoing with my ex and so it's been a really long time since I have dated. So I met this guy and he is great! He has a gr8 job, a huge heart, great morals and values, a luxury car, his own place, and amazing body, very attentive to me, etc. The only problem is that he is not tall. I know I sound like an idiot but thats an issue 4 me. Am I just making excuses about this guy b/c I'm hung up on my ex? SHould I continue dating this guy? I mean my heart is not there but I feel like my heart will never be with anyone again. Me and my ex planned our lives together and I feel like a hippocrit! What to do?

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You may not have much say in how you feel but you do have a say in what you believe.
"I told him I would date other people and he said to go right ahead but that he knows in his heart that I will never find that love that he and I shared and vice versa."
What a crappy, mean, vengeful thing for him to say and you need to stop buying into these means words he spouted in anger as soon as posisble. There isn't an OUNZE of truth to it. You may not have found someone else YET, but by just putting yourself out there and dating again you make it possible.
After my break up with love #2 it was about 18 months before I had another boyfriend and he was an emotionally abusive jerk. After I finally found the guts and smarts to kick him the the curb it was a year before I met my now fiance. And I didn't have the complication of having a guy I cared about dangling a carrot in my face and reminding me how horrible I was to him to lengthen the whole healing process.
It is just plain wrong of him to do that to you. You need ot stop letting him to it to you. Whatever you did or didn't do is in the past and hopefully your smarter and kinder for any mistakes you made in that relationship. If he can't forgive you then he doesn't love you, not the way you deserve to be loved and that's fine because contrary to his unkind words there is someone out there who will it's only a question of finding him.
Now you just have to learn to forgive yourself and then maybe you can find a guy who is smart enough to realize we all screw up and if we didn't we wouldn't learn much. Have some faith in yourself and in love and keep "just dating". There's nothing wrong with "just dating". I fully intended to "just date" the guy I'm about to marry. Sometimes love comes along when you least expect it. You just have to be willing to open yourself up and take another chance when it does.
Maybe shorty isn't the guy for you, but unless you've agreed to see him exclusively there's no reason you can't "just date" someone else while you see where things go with him and if his shortness will continue to bother you or not. In the mean time relax have fun and enjoy his company, that's the great part about "just dating" all you options are still open and you get to have fun doing it.
Don't worry so much. You've learned from your mistakes, you're probably HYPER aware of doing things that may hurt this new guys feelings becasue you learned from those mistakes and are truly a good person who doesn't want to repeat them and deserves to have somebody love her the way she loves them.
Maybe this new guy is that guy maybe he isn't. Maybe you'll make new mistakes with hima nd maybe he'll mistakes with you, but if you care enough about each other you'll get over it and move on and you'll get over the whole height issue too.
If you two don't pan out or if you decide the height thing really bothers you then all yoou ahve to do is be honest without giving enough information to be needless cruel. If you leave because of the height thing you just say, "I'm really sorry, you seem like a really great guy, but I just don't see things working out for us long term." You don't need to explain any more then that. Because it doens't really matter anyway. Sure whenever two people stop seeing each other it stings a bit, it bruises the old ego, but you get over it and move on.
It's only a big deal if you let become one and you can't control if that other perosn let's it become one. You just worry about you and being true and honest to yourself and trying to always learn whether it's from a good experience, a bad one, or even someone else's experience. There's always soemthing else to learn and if you focus on that and being kind to yourself you'll be just fine and you will find love again. That I can pretty much guarantee. The only people I've ever seen that haven't found love are those who have given up on it or themselves.
It took me until 33 to find one that really worked for me. It took a lot of trial and error and me being a jerk and me letting other people be jerks to me, but I finally found some balance. I'm still learning, always will be, but everyday gets better because of it. Well, most days anyway... :)
Just please don't give up on you. There's nothing as sad as a perosn who has lost hope.
Simply out, because he doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior.
I think you did the right thing by getting rid of those pictures. You don't want them ending up all over the internet because he's bitter and angry. But now that you have them do yourself a HUGE favor and stop all contact.
I know it's a tall order, since he seems to enjoy bugging you and stirring up trouble and hard feleings, but just ignore him and eventually he'll go away. It's like we talked about earlier. It seems like he thinks you've wronged him in some way and he enjoys making you unhappy as his pitiful way to get even.
I understand that it hurts to think that even when things are good he was messing around, but look at it this way you're putting it behind you know and moving on in the hopes of finding a HEALTHIER kind of love. Often times it's easy to mistake intense passion for true love, but based on my experience love the lasts tends to be only one part passion and many parts kindness, consideration, respect, trust, contentment, joyfulness, happpiness, togetherness, companionship, desire to see each other happy, laughter...
Undeniably you felt, and do to some degree still feel, a very passionate love for your ex, but as you're begining to see it wasn't a very UNhealthy love. Sure it would be great if people would grow up and change and learn from their mistakes, but we can't make them do that. So when we find ourselves trapped in unhealthy relationship with a person who is unwilling to change we have to accpet it. We then owe it to oursleves to remove ourselves from that situation so we can grow and flourish and find healthy love and lasting happiness.
Right now he's keeping you trapped. All you have to do to stop it is accept that you are LETTING him trap you, you are ALLOWING him to prevent your growth and moving on form him. All you have to do is start ignoring him. I know it's tough but as he gets the idea he'll stop trying so hard. You've got the power to turn this around.
Step 1 ignore ex hang oout with the gr8 guy more.
If you keep on thinking on your ex try to go back and do everything possible to be with him.If it does'not work again you will know that you have tried to be with him,you have done your best to be together and it didn't worked.Then you feel different,you'll see.Good Luck
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