He's gr8 BUT....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
He's gr8 BUT....
26
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 11:53am
Hi All:
So this is my situation. I am finally dating someone new since my ex. My ex and I have been yo yoing around but I'm done and decided to date. It's been a year of yo yoing with my ex and so it's been a really long time since I have dated. So I met this guy and he is great! He has a gr8 job, a huge heart, great morals and values, a luxury car, his own place, and amazing body, very attentive to me, etc. The only problem is that he is not tall. I know I sound like an idiot but thats an issue 4 me. Am I just making excuses about this guy b/c I'm hung up on my ex? SHould I continue dating this guy? I mean my heart is not there but I feel like my heart will never be with anyone again. Me and my ex planned our lives together and I feel like a hippocrit! What to do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 7:34am

Well, honestly, you can't really blame the guy can you. You let him, had him, take you to a bar where you knew your ex was likely to be and then proceed to pay more attention to whether or not your ex was paying attention to you then you paid to the guy you were supposed to be there with.

Next time go some place you're ex wont find you.

Really, it sounds like you enjoy all the drama and are feeding off this bad relationship in some weird way. DO you really wnat to get heal and move on or do you prefer to rehash the past and revel in the self-pity when things turn out badly just as you knew they would? You're contributing to your own misery.

You'll never be happy until you learn to let go of the drama, truly learn from your mistakes, and move on. Saying you love him and that you'll never find another like him is really just an excuse because you haven't found the courage to look at yourself and learn and try again. It's just an excuse to continue to fail. Face it you know this guy is bad news and yet you seem to thrive on the misery it brings you. You cna stop it you just choose not to.

You had an opportunity to go out with a nice guy one who treated you well and had potential, but rather then seize that opportunity you took him to a bar you knew your ex would be at and sabotaged not only the date but yourself. Just so you could continue the drama cycle with a guy who dumps you to punish you becasue he can't grow up and move on either. It's really pretty sick.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 9:45am
That's actually not correct. I had no idea my ex would be there. He has not gone out in months and the only reason he could have gone was b/c he knew I would be there for my bday. I don't chose to hurt or cry b/c honestly,I have a list of other feelings I rather have than heartache and pain so you're wrong about that. Some people deal with things differently and can cut people off in a switch I am not like that. For some reason when I fall in love I treat people like family and that's a tremendous bond. So yeah it's hard to be like oh wow that didn't work out who's next? I try my hardest to move on but I can't control what my heart feels b/c if I could I would be a totally different person. I was with this guy literally every single day and would speak to him atleast 8x a day. When I wasn't with him I was with his family whether his mother or just his house. It's hard to just disconnect. Even harder when not so long ago you were talking about marriage and mending things so they never break again. It wasnt some kind of relationship where we spoke once a day and saw each other 1 a week. It's going to take time and no honestly in my heart I don't feel I will ever feel that warmth in my heart again. No, that's not me holding on or being afraid to let go b/c before this guy I was engaged, in love, etc but I knew I had to walk away like you say but this case is different and that much harder.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 6:55pm

Nick, as usual, has spoken some real truth here. You can choose to hear it or discard it. You seem to be discarding it and I have a theory as to why. There is some deep notion within yourself that you do not deserve to be loved, that you feel a tight bond with someone that is emotionally disfucntional, or unavailable at best, because YOU are the same. You don't feel worthy of true love and and find "safety" in the bond with your emotional equal. To take it a step further, if you were able to *get* him to be emotionally available, then you will feel as though you now deserve the love because you earned the love.

What I believe you need to do is take a break from dating and relationships and take a long, hard, good look into you and create an understanding that you deserve to be loved because you're you and you deserve to be loved. That you are *enough*. And if there are real character flaws that you discover that would prevent a healthy relationship, then work on those, too.

As long as you keep telling yourself that you will never find "love" like you have with this guy, that everything will be settling, that is exactly what you will get. You need to expect good to get good!

And by the way, him telling you that you won't find someone else to love you is SO manipulative and wrong!! Stop listening to the voices (his, yours, anyones) that tell you you are unlovable!! It's a vicious cycle but you CAN break it. And ONLY you can break it.

Best of luck on your journey!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 9:44am
I am not discarding anything and I do believe that I am capable of being loved. I not once thought any differently. I don't love my ex b/c I feel he is the only one who will ever love me I love him b/c he captures me whole. He never said I'll never find someone else b/c he knows I will. All he asked for was time. Time to not be angry anymore and I never gave it to him b/c my needs were more important which pushed him further away. I can't recap my whole relationship but if he wasnt a great guy inside I wouldn't be defending him. I'm not a pathetic or weak person at all. I looked at my post from before and I was like wow these people must think I am crazy and unstable. I'm not with him now and won't be until he comes to his senses. I am dating the short guy again if only to fill time or what not. Time will tell. Thanks for advise all : )
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 3:08pm

I apologize if I misinterpeted where you were coming from. I tend to believe that I'm not totally off base but since you would see those thoughts as being "pathetic and weak" I can understand your reluctance to entertain the thought that they might hold some deeper truth.

Regardless of the why's of where you are right now, I still think that maybe some time off wouldn't be a bad idea.

Again, good luck with whatever you decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 3:21pm
It's hard to tell all you know. Lilke he used to say, "if people heard my side they would agree with me" There's always three sides to a story, your side, their side, and the truth. lol I really do appreciate everyones advise. I have chosen to take it and not call. Like he said in the end he was like when have you truly left me alone. In the last year that we have been aprt the longest I have been MIA was 7 weeks and he came running back. I have to trust that there is a great plan out there for me. It's just hard b/c tomorrow is my birthday and he knows how much they mean to me but I don't think he will call. Especially since when he called me I told him to leave me alone via text, didn't return his VM, and was seen out and about having a great old time. Ugh it's times like this that I wish he were more mature. Only time will tell. I know I will cry tomorrow b/c being without him is the hardest thing ever for me: (

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