He's gr8 BUT....
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He's gr8 BUT....
| Wed, 09-14-2005 - 11:53am |
Hi All:
So this is my situation. I am finally dating someone new since my ex. My ex and I have been yo yoing around but I'm done and decided to date. It's been a year of yo yoing with my ex and so it's been a really long time since I have dated. So I met this guy and he is great! He has a gr8 job, a huge heart, great morals and values, a luxury car, his own place, and amazing body, very attentive to me, etc. The only problem is that he is not tall. I know I sound like an idiot but thats an issue 4 me. Am I just making excuses about this guy b/c I'm hung up on my ex? SHould I continue dating this guy? I mean my heart is not there but I feel like my heart will never be with anyone again. Me and my ex planned our lives together and I feel like a hippocrit! What to do?
So this is my situation. I am finally dating someone new since my ex. My ex and I have been yo yoing around but I'm done and decided to date. It's been a year of yo yoing with my ex and so it's been a really long time since I have dated. So I met this guy and he is great! He has a gr8 job, a huge heart, great morals and values, a luxury car, his own place, and amazing body, very attentive to me, etc. The only problem is that he is not tall. I know I sound like an idiot but thats an issue 4 me. Am I just making excuses about this guy b/c I'm hung up on my ex? SHould I continue dating this guy? I mean my heart is not there but I feel like my heart will never be with anyone again. Me and my ex planned our lives together and I feel like a hippocrit! What to do?

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Well, honestly, you can't really blame the guy can you. You let him, had him, take you to a bar where you knew your ex was likely to be and then proceed to pay more attention to whether or not your ex was paying attention to you then you paid to the guy you were supposed to be there with.
Next time go some place you're ex wont find you.
Really, it sounds like you enjoy all the drama and are feeding off this bad relationship in some weird way. DO you really wnat to get heal and move on or do you prefer to rehash the past and revel in the self-pity when things turn out badly just as you knew they would? You're contributing to your own misery.
You'll never be happy until you learn to let go of the drama, truly learn from your mistakes, and move on. Saying you love him and that you'll never find another like him is really just an excuse because you haven't found the courage to look at yourself and learn and try again. It's just an excuse to continue to fail. Face it you know this guy is bad news and yet you seem to thrive on the misery it brings you. You cna stop it you just choose not to.
You had an opportunity to go out with a nice guy one who treated you well and had potential, but rather then seize that opportunity you took him to a bar you knew your ex would be at and sabotaged not only the date but yourself. Just so you could continue the drama cycle with a guy who dumps you to punish you becasue he can't grow up and move on either. It's really pretty sick.
Nick, as usual, has spoken some real truth here. You can choose to hear it or discard it. You seem to be discarding it and I have a theory as to why. There is some deep notion within yourself that you do not deserve to be loved, that you feel a tight bond with someone that is emotionally disfucntional, or unavailable at best, because YOU are the same. You don't feel worthy of true love and and find "safety" in the bond with your emotional equal. To take it a step further, if you were able to *get* him to be emotionally available, then you will feel as though you now deserve the love because you earned the love.
What I believe you need to do is take a break from dating and relationships and take a long, hard, good look into you and create an understanding that you deserve to be loved because you're you and you deserve to be loved. That you are *enough*. And if there are real character flaws that you discover that would prevent a healthy relationship, then work on those, too.
As long as you keep telling yourself that you will never find "love" like you have with this guy, that everything will be settling, that is exactly what you will get. You need to expect good to get good!
And by the way, him telling you that you won't find someone else to love you is SO manipulative and wrong!! Stop listening to the voices (his, yours, anyones) that tell you you are unlovable!! It's a vicious cycle but you CAN break it. And ONLY you can break it.
Best of luck on your journey!
I apologize if I misinterpeted where you were coming from. I tend to believe that I'm not totally off base but since you would see those thoughts as being "pathetic and weak" I can understand your reluctance to entertain the thought that they might hold some deeper truth.
Regardless of the why's of where you are right now, I still think that maybe some time off wouldn't be a bad idea.
Again, good luck with whatever you decide.
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