He's shutting down
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| Tue, 10-04-2005 - 4:51pm |
My boyfriend of about 2 1/2 years and I are in a really rough patch at the moment. We always kind of knew he might have to leave town b/c of his job. Basically, he was told that he wasn't going to be transferred, but that it would be up to him to basically seek out something that could help him advance his career b/c he wouldn't be able to climb any higher (which is what he wants to do) at his current job. We've known this for a year or so -- maybe a bit longer. Somehow though, things kept taking interesting turns at work, and it was seeming more and more like he was going to be able to stay put for awhile. He started looking at houses to purchase -- basically just started doing things that would settle him into the city we currently live in for awhile. And things were seeming wonderful. He always said that if he had to leave, he hoped I'd go with him. That him leaving wasn't exclusive of me. I always said I didn't know if I could do that - that it's a lot to risk uprooting your life to just move with someone you're not married to -- even engaged to -- and then what if things turn sour? I would be resentful. It finally came to him saying once that he knew if he had to leave that I wouldn't go with him. I honestly don't know what I could or couldn't do, but why not cross that bridge when we come to it? Things were constantly changing with his job, and we'd go crazy playing devil's advocate until it was totally for real. And now it IS.
All of a sudden, he started having bad headaches. He was really tired all the time and super lazy. When we were together, I could sense that something was wrong. When I'd ask, he'd blame it on work. This has gone on for several weeks now. He doesn't sleep at night. He'll get up at 2 am and watch TV until 4am, and then is just restless in bed. He wasn't sharing as much with me as he had in the past, and it was starting to drive a wedge between us. Then one day we went to lunch and he said that it looks like things will be okay afterall b/c another change occurred at work that would groom him for a very high position if he would stay. This was only a few weeks ago or so -- and then other things started happening. He just quit house hunting (his obsession for MONTHS). He didn't renew his apartment lease and pays an outrageously expensive month-to-month charge to live there. Putting the pieces of the puzzle together, I asked him if it was more than just projects at work. I asked if it was that he was going to have to leave. He woudln't just admit it -- I had to prod and poke and deal with his closed-off emotions and lack of communication. But finally he admitted that yes, he is leaving, and it's by his own choice.
I'm just devestated. I mean, he won't talk about it, and when I tell him I need to discuss things and know more information, and talk about feelings, etc, he won't go there. He'll say not to worry, get kind of cold, shut me out. It's like he's shutting down, and I don't know if it's because he's leaving b/c he's trying to get away from me or if he's upset b/c he knows it's the best career move and he has to do it but doesn't know what to do about ME, too. It's awful. So I've just been stewing with these questions that need answers and he won't give me information! He says he loves me, that his sleeplessness and stress has a lot to do with his feelings for me and feeling torn about his career, but he's obviously made the decision to just go for the career part -- and yet he won't help me understand where we stand with each other now that he's chosen that. He wouldn't even give me a time frame. I had to drag that out, too, with countless questions and sob sessions. He said it's 6 months, but likely less. I just can't deal with the way he's shutting me out. I can't help but fear the worst.
So now I'm at my own shut down phase. I can't function, I need to talk with him, but he won't do it. I feel like when I'm with him I'm badgering him and annoying him with my need for discussion, and it's like trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. Yet I just also want to be with him - be around him. But I can't handle that he won't tell me more. It's like this big secret only he can know, and even though it affects me tremendously, he doesn't care. He wants to just not talk about it. I just feel like it's so unfair. I mean, if this is it, isn't it better to know NOW so I won't be blind-sided 6 months from now? Maybe sooner? He tries to tell me that talking more would only worry me, and he's "doing the worrying for the both of us", but he's not understanding that NOT sharing info. I need to know is making it WORSE for me. Not better.
Do I just stay away for awhile and let things breathe a bit? Do I go around him but stay quiet about the issues I need to talk about -- just have his company since it seems to be all I want and need right now? Or do I try again to get him to open up -- explain how I can't eat or sleep since I've heard the news (which has only been 2 days ago)? Will that just defeat me and make me feel WORSE if he STILL won't open up? He's stressed at work, so part of me wants to remove some stress (which means taking a break from him and keeping myself busy and out of the picture for awhile), but doing that causes ME more stress. I don't know what to do here. I'm crawling in my skin.
Thanks for listening,
Z


I'd do your best to give him some space.He has a lot on his mind. Encourage him to go out with the guys. Guys sometimes open up when the pressure is off. Might be good for you to get out with some other friends and think about other things
Good luck. take it easy on yourself.