His conflicting actions...
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| Tue, 01-24-2006 - 10:48pm |
Long story short...
I got into this "thing" with a co-worker 6 months ago, and unfortunately, got pregnant. By the time I found out, he had stopped coming over, so I did the only thing I felt I could...I had an abortion, even though I didn't believe in it. I never told him...until yesterday. For the last 6 months, we've been nothing but co-workers, but have remained on great terms, still occasionally flirty, even. I decided that it was time to tell him what had happened, so he came to my house last night.
He was really sorry it had happened, and really, really sad, but not angry. I thought he would be, b/c he has 3 children from his ex-wife, and he's the most unbelievable dad in the world. He's got sole custody, and just absolutely thinks his kids are the sun moon and stars. When I told him, he said that a big part of him wished that I had told him, and we had continued the pregnancy.
Well, we talked alot, and he's still very hesitant to be anything but friends with me (not ready for a serious relationship this soon after getting out of his marriage), but even after telling him about getting pregnant, he still is wanting to have sex, and isn't that concerned with birth control.
So, I'm really confused...
Does not want me as his girlfriend...but still wants to have sex...isn't worried about birth control...even knowing about my abortion...which he was really sad about...because he loves his kids so much and wished that we had been able to have the baby.
Why doesn't this add up? I'd think that he was just in it for sex, if not for the fact that he's said he eventually wants more kids b/c he's always felt that his kids are his life, and I just told him about having an abortion, which he was sad about. But I can't imagine him wanting to have a replacement baby with me if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. So why is he wanting to take the risk of having unprotected sex?
I don't know if this is the right board for this kind of topic, but I wasn't sure where else to post...

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Im curious too what the motive was for telling him now at this point??
I have to also ask myself why would any woman take on the responsibility of an unplanned pregnancy herself. I wouldnt care WHAT his situation was outside of me or with me. This happened as a result of two peoples actions, and she had the responsibility then to tell him, and he had a responsibility to the situation too. Why was he left off the hook then???
I think we can all agree that an abortion can surely be an emotional and stressful time for a woman. I just dont think I could have kept it to myself!
I think there's plenty of "good" reasons on a personal level not to tell someone "I'm pregnant and its your child."
If you're not willing to parent.........telling the person involved is a real risk. You're going to tell them "I'm having your baby" - while they're not carrying the baby and aren't at this point liable for anything.
They simply now have some legal "rights' to interfere with your plans for this pregnancy, as a result of thier knowledge.
All sorts of ways they can "force you to carry to term" - while they may do nothing about the responsiblity of parenting after that reality is a fact.
So I think her not telling him was totally "self-responsible" on her part - in light of no relationship at all. Had they had a relationship.......now...that'd be totally different. He'd have had a right to know because they'd have shared more than saliva and other body fluids and no matter what level of commitment exists, there is knowledge of this perosn, there is some level of ethics one SHOULD (not necessarily) will conduct themselves by at all times.
I think possibly her reason for telling him now about the abortion - is maybe she wnated him to wear a condom. And he hadn't before...we're assuming that really and we probably shouldn't.
But he was quite fine with no obligation, casual sex where apparently there was little discussion if any about disease and pregnancy prevention. One has to prioritize oneself and one's goals, needs, and standards at all times.
And one lapse of self-responsibility - doesn't condone another one. If I were her, I'd have done the same thing. I'd have gotten an abortion because "I" don't want ot parent, particularly as a result of a casual sex liason where he's unlikely to be involved with the child at all.
She'd have to go thru a litany of in utero or post-birth DNA testing to prove he's the sperm donor, and then she'd have to pursue at her own expense a civil court order for visitation and support.
So she'd be incurring a huge amount of expense - not to mention the downsizing of her lifestyle, going thru a pregnancy and the coming years where being a parent is going to be a priority over being an individual, or in a career path of upward mobility....onlly to get a court order that in light of his current circumstances of raising 3 children alone requires him to pay very little. and he might easily pay it to facilitate his current ilfestyle and priorities - while having NO contact at all with that child, or with his children and that child in unison.
So I personally think she did the right thing in terms of "deciding what was best for her and handling it on her own". So that we don't open up the abortion issue again, putting it that way makes more sense.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Thanks for that info. Puts a whole new twist on things for me. Sorry but I come from a broken marriage, where my husband and a woman who WAS a friend of mine opted to carry on an affair around the corner from our home. He threw all we had away for this, and his time with her, once he left me and our 4 kids, lasted all of 4 months!!
I have lost my sympathy here, because I have none for people that flirt and chase unavailable men and/or women. Sorry if that offends, but to me marriage vows are to be honored by all, not just the two people in the marriage.
I don't think the background and details make all that much of a difference. She was married but left her husband long before they started "spending time together"; he was married but his wife was using drugs and cheating on him. Inevitably, both of these marriages were on their way out. As I read it, it wasn't them having an affair -- physical or emotional -- that caused their marriages to split. That would have happened anyway. They weren't spending time together PRIOR to him leaving his wife; he left his wife and she invited him to lunch. Thus, I don't see (giving her benefit of the doubt) that she was chasing a married man. In him, she found a 'mirror' of someone who was "on her page" (ie, we're both seperated, we're both getting divorced, let's commisserate together and lean on each other, tell each our sob stories, etc). As the saying goes, "misery loves company." The flirtations, while both were marriage, don't equal an affair. All things considered on the flirting front, it's all pretty innocent. If he was baring his soul to her, commisserating on the status of his marriage, etc over lunch and dinner, building a "connection" with her while still with his wife ... then, sure ... it could be said they were having an emotional affair.
But, just like the abortion issue, it's easy to project our opinions on affairs (which there are boards for debate here) based on personal experiences and/or beliefs. So, all things considered, this topic also has NOTHING to do with the issue at hand: what her motivation was for telling him about her abortion, 6 months later?
I understand, bastphilly. I'm just saying that the details as they pertain to the current situation don't have much to do with what happened in October of year before last.
All things considered, they never had a "relationship" ... but, they had sex ... which led to a terminated pregnancy, unbeknownst to him ... which she's now disclosed to him ... IMO, I can't think of any other reason to tell him about it now, at this point, 6 months later ... other than to cajole him into a relationship, by pursuing the "sympathize with me" approach ... "after all, we have this history and that should MEAN something to you." I just can't see any good reason to tell him at this point ... other than that, by telling him perhaps she figures he'll sympathize and feel like he "owes it to her." I suppose my opinion is the same as it was before (in previous thread) ... she didn't tell him then, didn't offer him any input on the matter prior to decision being made ... so, why should it change anything now? If it's "too hard to see him everyday at work" or what have you, while bearing the knowledge of her decision ... then, get a new job and disassociate with the guy so that it's not a constant source of reminder. But, if it's been "weighing on her" and everytime she saw him over the course of the last 6 months, she felt a heavy burden of knowing what she did without him knowing ... well then, take personal responsiblity for the decision that was made -- solely -- and move on to another job, outside of an environment where she's reminded of the decisions she's made in the past that haven't come to fruition. She wants a relationship with him, rather than some other available guy out there who wants a relationship too, because she had feelings for him which spurred her on to divorce her husband (because, in all good conscious, she knew that if she had feelings for another man ... then, she probably shouldn't be married ... I don't know if she told her husband, at the time, of her inclinations toward/having feelings for another man ... but, if she didn't ... she gave up on her marriage as a result of some "feelings" she had for someone else) ... secondly, it was her decision and hers alone to have the abortion. Not this guy's choice, right?
So, here's where she's sitting: "I divorced my husband because I had feelings for you, I had an abortion without telling you ... because I didn't know how you'd respond" ... now, she wants him to make it up to her by pursuing something with her. He doesn't owe that to her. He isn't responsible for her feelings or for the decision she made (particularly in light of not having any knowledge about it BEFORE the fact). But, now ... in light of all that she's given up, she wants the reward, the payoff, the relationship that she feels SHE deserves at this point, in light of all she's given up. (sigh)
Basically, she made decisions hoping for a certain outcome ... but since that outcome hasn't resulted ... she's turned to another tact ... "well, I'll tell him about the abortion and see if that makes a difference" ... it's not going to. Not if that isn't what he wants, as well. Most people aren't willing to be guilted or cajoled into a relationship that they don't want to have ... not with her, or with anyone ... because what he's been saying is that "I'm not at a place in my life right now where I can fit a relationship in" ... along with the three kids, the job and whatever else his obligations are.
If what SHE wants is a relationship with a man, what she needs to do is find a man who wants a relationship! Very simple.
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