his ex is more special
Find a Conversation
his ex is more special
| Sat, 06-04-2005 - 4:10pm |
my boy never liked girls...then he magically fell for his ex. now hes with me because they broke up and he was trying to move on. but see, he has a reason to be with me..because hes trying to move on. he needed a girl, so he got with me. but with his ex, he wasnt looking for a girl, he didnt need a girl, he didnt want a girl, he didnt even like girls...and he jus fell for her, even though he didnt want to. thats something special. with me though, he fell for me yeah, but its because he wanted to. with her, it just happened.

Hi,
maybe you would feel better once you realize that they BROKE UP!! He's with you and not her for a reason. What's that reason you ask? Does it really matter considering that he "fell for you" as well? Can you not leave it at that? It's not as though you feel like a rebound girl for him or anything. He actually feels something for you which IS special.
He may have "magically" fallen for his ex, but that's over and done with, and now one could say that he "magically" fell for you right? It's all the same to me. You like who you like, and you should appreciate it for what it is: a happy, healthy relationship :O).
I'm guessing that he was into guys before? Or maybe he was just too young to notice girls as much? Either way, his ex-gf brought him to the point that he realized that he likes women, and that he would like to be romatically involved with her. Sure that would be a special moment for anyone, but that doesn't make you any less special to him.
You say that he fell for you because he wanted to, yet with her it just happened. To be honest I don't really see a difference. If a guy wanted to be with me then I would be happy, but at the same time you can't deny that one cannot just fall for any person. It has to be someone special. Someone that you really and truly want to be with. Why not be thankful to his ex as she played a part in making him come to the realization that he does in fact like women? Which inevitably made him able to be wqith you romantically right?
If you could just give yourself credit for being a wonderful girl that is going out with a wonderful guy and leave it at that then maybe you can find some peace of mind.
He's with you, not her; he likes you, not her.
I hope that you realize that you're every bit as special as she was to him, and most likely even more so.
Yvy.
Hi Sexi Lisciouz,
I can fully relate to your situation. My most recent ex had broken off an engagement 5 months before we met. He really loved his ex-fiance and they got engaged only 4 months after they met. She left him because he had an anger problem. Well, we started dating and seeing each other 4 or 5 times a week, but after three weeks, he found out that his ex had a new boyfriend and got so upset that he crashed his car and then announced to me that he wasn't ready for a relationship (mind you...just days after he got sex from me for the first time). I was very hurt but we kept going out and seeing each other for a few months....but he would always talk about his ex and be all bitter about marriage and engagement.
In the end, I always felt like second-best. He freely fell in love with his ex, but was just with me because she left him. That made me feel like garbage (very unworthy and undeserving) so after a while, I broke up with him. I feel good because I had to respect myself and value myself a lot to break up with him for that reason. I know that I did the right thing. I'm still single and I haven't dated much since we broke up last September, but I feel good about myself...at least too good to be with a man who's in love with someone else.
Sexi lisciouz, if you are that sexy and beautiful and sweet, as I'm sure you are, you need to believe that you deserve a man who's in love with you and no one else, someone who is over all his exes and can focus on you and how wonderful you are and how lucky he is to have you in his life. I'm believing that for myself until it happens. I'm rooting for you! Best of luck with everything!
he loved her at the highest level, and had sex with her and everything, so i cant even pass the level she got to.
Hi Sexi,
It's hard to be in that situation. You feel like you're competing with someone you've never met and that hurts. It's very, very difficult. I know because I've been there.
With my most recent ex, it started off as a rebound thing too and he would talk about his stupid ex-fiance and had all this anger about marriage, because he's 38 and still single. He was obviously not over his ex and that hurt. I really felt like second-best, like I just wasn't good enough for someone to totally fall in love with and cherish. In that situation, he told me openly that he wasn't ready for a new relationship so it's different from yours. Also, he was trying to get me in bed although he knew in his heart that he wasn't ready for a relationship. That was really hurtful and disrespectful so I put an end to it. I know I deserve more than that.
Tell me, Sexi, how do you know that he loved her more than he loves you? Did he actually tell you that? If he did, then you should move on because you deserve more. It would hurt to let go and move on, but I think it's too hard to try to compete with someone else to reach that level of love. Also, how old are you? I'm just curious.
it hurts SO much you have no idea.
"...it hurts SO much you have no idea."
Sure we do. Most people do not meet and fall in love with the first person they love. MOST people have experienced the feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, un"specialness" you're describing.
Here's how I learned to deal with those feelings. First you have to sort out whether those feelings are a result of your instincts attempting to tell you that you ARE a rebound. If that's the case, listen to them and walk away before it hurts MORE. IF that isn't the case, then remind yourself that there are MANY kinds of love.
You're experiencing a new one right now. You've loved other people before but never like this. Just becasue he loves you differently doesn't mean he loves you LESS. Just because she was his first girl doesn't mean she was the best or the most or right for him. It just means she was the first. You'll be other firsts.
Remind yourself that not all love is the kind of love that leads to and works for a marriage. After all you have friends and family that you love, but you don't want to have a long term romantic realtionship with them. :)
I have romatically loved three men in my life. I am about to marry the third. The first was a high school sweetheart and we were together for seven years but shortly after we were engaged I started to realize I didn't want to marry him. I wasn't ready and he wasn't the right man. That doesn't mean I didn't love him. I did. It just wasn't the kind of love that was going to make a marriage work, at least not for me.
The second was after college and a lot of dating. It was pretty close, I even thought it might go the distance, but something was missing. He loved me; I loved him, but something wasn't quite right. I knew it would end but denied it for about a year. We were together three years all together.
The third is the one I'll be with until death do us part. This is the one that can last a lifetime. I don't know exactly why this one will last and the others wouldn't have. I have to just trust my instincts on that one, but I'm 100% confident it will.
I don't love him MORE or LESS then those other two men. It's just different. He isn't more special. He's just the one that lead to and will work for a long loving marriage.
I know the movies like to make it out like there's only ONE person in your life that you "REALLY" love, but real life isn't like that. You're going to love LOTS of different people in LOTS of different ways. No one way to love is better or less or more special then the other. All love, given freely, is SPECIAL love.
And that's how I made my peace with my past and his. Because I know he's loved before. In fact I HOPE he's love before. After all he's 32 and if he hasn't loved anyone else in 32 years he's lead a pretty lonely life and I love him and wouldn't have wanted him to be alone before he met me.
Edited 6/13/2005 1:49 pm ET ET by nick91171
Bravo!
I've never seen this stated so well before. I think you've hit the nail on the head!
Best wishes for a happy future together!
Thank you soooo much, that's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.
I'm just thrilled that I can at least share my experiences and hope it helps somebody else. What worked for me may not work for everyone, but if it at least gives people hope to keep trying, well that's good enough for me. I 100% believe we can all succeed if we just don't give up.