HLP.... need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2012
HLP.... need advice
10
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 1:32am

Ok folks I need some advice. I've put myself in a bad situation and I dont know if I should let it go or not. A little about me: I'm 29 y/o female divorced in last 15 mos w/ 2 children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 10:05am

"Now that he has admitted it, I have to admit that I have some very strong feelings for him as well. "

But did you have feelings for him BEFORE he admitted his feelings to you? It is common for people, especially those who are recently out of a relationship, to be attracted to people who bear their hearts to them. If I were you I would look very closely at my feelings and try to understand if maybe there is a reason for them beyond simple love and attraction.

Then, you need to weigh the possible consequences of starting a relationship (it wouldn't be wise to MARRY this guy right off the bat...) Your friendships probably will suffer. Is your best friend still in love with him? How long ago was their relationship?

This is a very convoluted love-quadrangle that involves children. I would hesitate to say "YES follow your heart". I think you are attracted to the fact that another human being, who you know very well and feel safe with, is promising marriage and a future to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2012
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 11:12am

Undercovercrab : thx for the prompt reply. To try to answer your questions I think I always liked him but he was just off limits. And I knew he liked me too. Im generally speaking not a very emotional person and it takes alot for me to love someone so I don't really feel like its just some sort of reciprocal feeling. I can honestly say I do genuinely have feelings. I know I am not ready to marry him or anyone else. Not sure if I ever will again.

The thing about my friend is that she has 8 children with 6 different men most of whom were 1 night stands turned faux relationships that didn't even span the pregnancy. so I think she loves everyone she meets! I i dont feel like that is significant enough to stand in the way of 12 yrs of brooding love. She may not agree and she will probably be hurt but what if this is meant to be and we are supposed to be together??? Part of me feels the friendship could be worth the sacrifice and part of me doesn't. I've never done anything like

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 02-06-2012 - 3:28pm

How does she feel about this guy now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 9:19am

...you might have to choose between him & her.

That's exactly what I was thinking, too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 02-07-2012 - 9:30am

I understand that you feel guilty... On the other hand, having eight children by six men doesn't give a person the right to "claim" all of those men forever. If she can't get over it, is she really that great a friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 1:16pm

I don;t think i would even "ask" her, I would tell her that you feel a connection with this man and want to seee what develops. How she handles it is completely up to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Fri, 02-17-2012 - 10:17am

Checking in to see if you have an update -- did you end up telling her?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2012
Fri, 02-17-2012 - 1:58pm

Hi all. Thanks for the advice. I haven't told her yet. I will keep you all posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2012
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 9:08pm

Thanks you guys... yes I think you are right. He and I continue to fall even more deeply in love with each other and things are getting very complicated. My friend will be returning to town soon and I think she has heard some rumors. She hasnt outright asked me but she has made some insinuations that I did not correct. I feeel awful. I feel very strongly for them both, she as a friend/family and he romantically. I feel like an awful person for even involving myself with him but at the same time it feels right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 3:48pm

she is not part of the equation here. Your relationship with him, if he is a decent guy, is the focus. Does he support his child with her? I relaize you donlt want to lose her as a friend, but that is a choice she will have to make. Don;t feel like it is your role to make it right for everyone else. They are adults. Your only concerns are you and your children.