Is honesty the best course?
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| Fri, 09-16-2005 - 5:42pm |
Hi Ladies
I would welcome your advice on a situation I am in. I’m a separated man in my mid forties. I separated form my wife in November 04 after 20 years of marriage. I had been unhappy for a number of years yet leaving was the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn’t leave for anyone nor have I had a relationship with anyone since leaving.
So since leaving my wife I have been living on my own and just recently I have purchased a house and am trying to make it a home. My dilemma is regarding my relationship with Linda with whom I have grown very friendly over recent months.
I feel that I am not ready for a romantic relationship of any kind. I have made this clear to Linda yet I know that I give her very mixed signals. I find her very attractive and great fun to be with. She is witty, kind intelligent and very open and honest. Ww ofoten talk for hours on the telephone. So when I am with her I find it difficult just to act like a friend. And she in turn cuddles up to me on the sofa and ….. well it never feels just like friendship. She says she is fine with friendship yet I know she is a very passionate woman who is used to having a man in her life and that is what she wants or aspires to if not now then in the future.
Linda has previously been in two long-term relationships and walked away with nothing. She currently struggles to survive with her three kids in a rented house. When I left my wife I gave her the family home and everything in it. I have a good job but I pay a lot of maintenance and really I am starting of from scratch with a huge mortgage. I feel that I can’t afford to take the risk with Linda. What if it didn’t work out – unlike her previous partners I could never have her or her children leave whilst I remained in the family home. I feel that I don’t want to forge a relationship with a woman who is financially insecure or who is a low earner – I feel I can’t take the risk of losing everything again particularly as I grow older. That sounds mean and small-minded.
Linda in the meantime is being driven to distraction by my ‘invisible brick wall’. When we are together we have such fun and then I disappear. I don’t know what to do. She asked me to go to a social night this evening and much to her distress I refused (because I know that it’s a slippery slope and it’s easier to say no now than later). Yet here I am alone in my house on a Friday evening and looking forward to a weekend pretty much on my own. She is the only friend I have. We could try just for friendship but I am so attracted to her and when we are together I feel there is a real sparkle – so friendship is difficult. We have never even kissed nor had sex as I refused (whilst all the time I lay alonein bed at night yearning for her body) . In fact I haven’t had sex in over two years – but I feel there’s a price to pay for everything and had I have gone to bed with her that would increase her expectations.
I have told her I am not ready for a relationship yet and she says she understands – but whilst that is true I feel she is hoping that gradually I will ‘heal’ and then there will be a chance for us but as I said above I don’t believe I ever shall allow myself.
Questions are – is there something wrong with me, my values? After my refusal to go out tonight she wants to ‘back – off’ to protect herself. We agreed to meet to talk next week and I wonder should I tell her the truth re the real reason why I refuse to go down the path of romance with her.
Advice please.
Oliver

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Oliver,
Honesty is always the best policy, even if it hurts someone's feelings. By not being truthful, it cause much more hurt than the truth. If you are attracted to her, but its her situation that turns you away, then you should stop seeing her until she no longer feels that for you and you both can truely be friends.
Be honest with her, and yourself. I have been divorced a year , feels like its been longer. I have a life with my children but i want more. I would hate that a man woudl keep me dangling liek that.
Be honest. she will thank you!
diane
Thank you Diane ,
I think you are right and that is my fear that, despite the fun we do have together, that it is just keeping Linda dangling on. My rational has been that we do have the fun and terrific conversations (our telephone conversations can last 4 hours+ !!!) . Any problems or worries she has she says I am the 1st person she turns to.
Anyway I think I will have to back off Linda without telling her exactly why (which is what I have been doing though not consistantly). I know that I am lonely and even as I was cleaing my house today I was hoping that she would ring and I feel like ringing her.
I have one child who lives with her mother. I do see a lot of her but it's not the same but then that's the choice I made. I hope things get better for you and that you find your soulmate. I think that I could too if only I could just free myself to life - or does that sound like nonsense !
Anyhow thanks for your kindness in taking the time to reply and good luck.
Oliver
<< Anyway I think I will have to back off Linda without telling her exactly why >>
Personally, I would tell her exactly why ..... there's nothing at all wrong with sharing your concerns, fears, vulnerabilities with someone you care about and don't want to hurt. By "backing off" but not telling her why .... she's only going to wonder ..... she may end up saying to herself "was it me? what did I do?" .... therefore, why leave her wondering and possibly hurting because she's wondering about "what went wrong" .... be honest with her and let her make a CHOICE about it. I'm a firm believer in not making choices for other people. Being honest and sharing our truth with others allows them to make a choice in the matter.
Just my .02 cents.
Oliver,
It won't be easy. Especially those days when you don't have anything to do. I have found that when i don't have my children with me, i start Huge projects. I built a deck, installed a window, rototilled my yard....the list is endless. But that is what i do instead of calling on old faithful. We all have one that likes us more than we do. Its inevitable. I am trying to change that. But with winter coming, i too am having trouble finding my way.
good luck
diane
Thanks Diane and others for your advice.
I have posted my message on a few of the Boards and everyone is saying pretty much the same thing - so I need to back off ...though I do feel I need to do it sensitively as Linda herself is not that long out of a 8 year relationship and talks a lot to me abou the pain of that.
I hope Diane that things work out okay for you and like you I do keep very busy but there are times when it's very lonely and would be sooooo easy to fall into someone arms even if I know that I don't feel like commiting at this point.
I have a couple of general 'supplementary' questions that I would like some advice on - not in relation to Linda but more generally about dating in my forties and how it differs from dating 20 years ago.
At what stage is it okay to start dating ...is it only when you want to go looking for that special someone? Is there something about finding ones way and not viewing every relationship as some momentous endeavour that has to be agonised over? Is there no trying things out with someone to see if it does light any sparks?
Ciao
Oliver
I think I addressed the questions in your last paragraph on one of the other boards...but to reiterate, so long as you are HONEST and upfront with any woman you date about the fact that you are NOT looking for a serious relationship, you're good to go. Now, you will probably find that many women say, "thanks but no thanks", and others will say, "that's fine" but you will be able to tell from their actions that it's not really fine (like Linda). But a small percentage will REALLY be fine with that, and those are the women you need to focus on for the time being.
Sheri
Oliver,
YOu got to go out and meet people. its a numbers game, the more you meet the morelikely you are to find your someone special. They just don't show up!
diane
I do beleive you should open up to her..this will test your friendship, I guess. However...PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!!!
Careful how you explain the concern of her situation. You certainly don't want to come off like you are better than her in any way. We are dealt different hands in life and some of the best partners in life are the ones who have struggled and failed the most.
These are the people that have developed courage, wisdom and compassion for others that are dealing with their own struggles in life. Sounds to me like she has been patient and understanding to your needs and that comes from her own heartaches and failed relationships. She is exactly what you need, I think. Someone who is trustworthy and she would most likely be that. Also, having three children gives her even more compassion and a nurturing nature. This may be some of the reason you are drawn to her, her tenderness.
You should think really hard before you give a wonderful lady up simply b/c she is struggling financially and is a "low earner". Seriously, if you have that much comfort in her company and are physically attracted to her and most of all, you trust her, well, what is really most important to you?? At some point dear, you will have to move on and overcome the fear of another failed relationship as no amount of credentials or financial success will guarantee you a lifetime of happiness or even a lifetime together. Compatability is the glue that will hold it together and sounds like you already have that!!
Good Luck!!
Oliver,
First of all, I think it wonderful you have met someone that you have a true interest in. I don't think that anyone deserves to be or should be alone, unless they choose to be. I have doubts about you wanting that. It appears that you really do want to take a step further with Linda, but her financial stability is holding you back. I can understand your reservations, but you must make a decision and make one fast. Is she worth it or not? Will you miss her company? Can you be without her friendship? Will you meet anyone like this again?
I am 27, I have a college degree, a great job, a large retirement fund, never married, no kids, good driving record and an awesome car to compliment, and I am very attractive. I am engaged to a 25 year old single father (full custody), bearly graduated from high school, bad driving record, bad credit, and his vehicle doesn't work yet he is trying to his best to make up for his past. Its very obvious. He would give anything to change some of the things he has done when he was younger. But what it all boils down to in the end is that he treats me like no one else could, has, or ever will. I do know this. I am blessed with not only his love but his little boys love(whose mother has left him). I find him very attractive, sincere, and caring. He loves me with all of his heart.
All of this to be said, sometimes love and companionship cannot replace all of the money and financial stability in the world. I am a Financial Planner, so I understand your concerns. If in the case your relationship goes to marriage, you have nothing to lose, make sure you sign a prenup.
I would not tell her right away that is what you are concerned about, it may hurt her feelings. Its hard enough being a single mother with three children. My fiance could bearly make it with one. If you are not interested in letting things go further you must be honest about that. Tell her you just aren't ready for anything and it would not be fair for things to develop if your heart is not in it. On the other hand, if you would like to progress, tell her you would like to move slowly. It may be a while before you are ready to be in public with a new woman. She will understand. I hope this helps a little bit. Best of Luck.
Thank you libragr and ttujill for taking the time to respond and respond so thoughtfully ....who says altruism is dead!
The questions you pose are the types of questions I ask myself. No I don't want to be alone even at this time ...though at present I don't want to enter into a commitment - however I will at some time in the future move on from that position as well.
However like I said I am particularly insecure about my finances at this time - and prenup or not I don't feel I could easily turn a woman and her kids out of 'my' house if things didn't work out. At the same time I wonder if I am mad turning away what it is she wants to give me and wants us to share - I wonder will I regret that decision in the future. She phoned this evening and left me longing for her.
What I can't do is string things along keeping my options open which in a way is what I feel I am doing. She deserves honesty.
It was lovely ttujill to hear you talk of the love between you and your man & I wish you every happiness.
Oliver
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