Is honesty the best course?
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| Fri, 09-16-2005 - 5:42pm |
Hi Ladies
I would welcome your advice on a situation I am in. I’m a separated man in my mid forties. I separated form my wife in November 04 after 20 years of marriage. I had been unhappy for a number of years yet leaving was the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn’t leave for anyone nor have I had a relationship with anyone since leaving.
So since leaving my wife I have been living on my own and just recently I have purchased a house and am trying to make it a home. My dilemma is regarding my relationship with Linda with whom I have grown very friendly over recent months.
I feel that I am not ready for a romantic relationship of any kind. I have made this clear to Linda yet I know that I give her very mixed signals. I find her very attractive and great fun to be with. She is witty, kind intelligent and very open and honest. Ww ofoten talk for hours on the telephone. So when I am with her I find it difficult just to act like a friend. And she in turn cuddles up to me on the sofa and ….. well it never feels just like friendship. She says she is fine with friendship yet I know she is a very passionate woman who is used to having a man in her life and that is what she wants or aspires to if not now then in the future.
Linda has previously been in two long-term relationships and walked away with nothing. She currently struggles to survive with her three kids in a rented house. When I left my wife I gave her the family home and everything in it. I have a good job but I pay a lot of maintenance and really I am starting of from scratch with a huge mortgage. I feel that I can’t afford to take the risk with Linda. What if it didn’t work out – unlike her previous partners I could never have her or her children leave whilst I remained in the family home. I feel that I don’t want to forge a relationship with a woman who is financially insecure or who is a low earner – I feel I can’t take the risk of losing everything again particularly as I grow older. That sounds mean and small-minded.
Linda in the meantime is being driven to distraction by my ‘invisible brick wall’. When we are together we have such fun and then I disappear. I don’t know what to do. She asked me to go to a social night this evening and much to her distress I refused (because I know that it’s a slippery slope and it’s easier to say no now than later). Yet here I am alone in my house on a Friday evening and looking forward to a weekend pretty much on my own. She is the only friend I have. We could try just for friendship but I am so attracted to her and when we are together I feel there is a real sparkle – so friendship is difficult. We have never even kissed nor had sex as I refused (whilst all the time I lay alonein bed at night yearning for her body) . In fact I haven’t had sex in over two years – but I feel there’s a price to pay for everything and had I have gone to bed with her that would increase her expectations.
I have told her I am not ready for a relationship yet and she says she understands – but whilst that is true I feel she is hoping that gradually I will ‘heal’ and then there will be a chance for us but as I said above I don’t believe I ever shall allow myself.
Questions are – is there something wrong with me, my values? After my refusal to go out tonight she wants to ‘back – off’ to protect herself. We agreed to meet to talk next week and I wonder should I tell her the truth re the real reason why I refuse to go down the path of romance with her.
Advice please.
Oliver

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Hey, just thought I'd weigh in quickly and maybe give you some food for thought...
Most money issues in relationships aren't really about money. They are about power and control. You were stripped of your power and control in your divorce and, understandably, you have DEEP concerns about yielding that power and control a second time.
The thing to keep in mind is that love and marriage are NOT about power and control they are about partnership and SHARING power and control. Love and marriage is about being a team and being equals. It's about yielding when needed and taking the reins when needed.
It seems to me the real issue to address for you isn't really a matter of her not being an equal on the earning scale, but a matter of you being able to TRUST her not to strip you of your power and control at some point in the future. You may want to try discussing with her or even with a therapist the fact that you are struggling to trust her in this regard and that you'd like to work toward remedying that issue. Because if you don't you may have trouble being with anyone no matter how much they contribute financially.
Oh, and I know this is kind of jumping the gun, but prenups can be a really good things in situations like this. Suze Orman (a FABULOUS financially advisor who has written many books on finance with great insight into the emotional aspects of money and money management) spoke about them and basically said that prenups aren't just for rich people, when is a better time to decide how to FAIRLY split things up? When you love each other or when there may be a lot of anger between you? That certainly makes sense to me and for a person in your particular situation you may take a great deal of comfort in knowing you are protected and wont end up stripped of everything again, but she wont be left hanging either. A prenup can give you comfort that even if things go south all will end just as fairly and equitably as the relationship began.
Hi to everyone who has offered me advice - which I haven't been that good at taking.
Went out with Linda yesterday evening (it was a bit of a celebration for her as her divorce came through last week - it's been ongoing for some time) and we had a discussion about us.
I told her that I felt that a big reason why I had stayed so long in my marriage was the sense of responsibility I had for my wife and that I know that I don't want ever to be in that position again. I said that I felt concerned that I am using her just for emotional support or stringing her along when she wants more. She said that she's not looking for a partner relationship, that she is supporting herself and the kids and that she enjoys being independant but that she doesn't want to invest in our relationship if I am not prepared to invest in it too...which means going places with her if she asks me to etc. We talked much, much more than this and that is an attempt to summarise.
However as she says this she gazes deeply into my eyes and I can see that those blue eyes are smouldering and I feel my heart is pounding. I took her back home and came in for a few minuites and she curls up beside me on the couch and again my heart is pounding and I find it difficult to concentrate on her words. As I leave we hug and she hugs herself closely to me and we kiss passionately. As she held me I was filled with her and trembling with desire for her. So here I am the following day my senses still full of Linda and the sweet taste and scent of her soft skin and hair. Wondering what or where it is that I or we are at or going.
Oliver
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