How can I handle this guy?? please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
How can I handle this guy?? please help!
8
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 11:23am

I have known this guy for soon 6 months now.. we have both been interested in each other since we first met but then he had a gf and because of that I thought we could never be and I met another guy who is now my boyfriend. The thing is.. I'm not totally happy with my bf, I know this other guy will always be there..

The guy broke up with his gf one month ago.. I think I had a big part in that, but he wasn't really happy in the relationship before he met me either.

We have seen each other quite often this fall since we're back in college.. we didn't see each other over the summer but kept in touch.
So now he's starting to fall more and more in love with me. In the beginning I thought it was so sweet, he said such nice things to me, and I really liked him too even though I had a bf.

But now it's going too far.. yesterday we both went to the same party and it seemed like it all was about us. He talked to my friends about me, his friends talked with my friends about him and I and said he REALLY REALLY likes me, it's more than just a fling. Then he asked if he could kiss me.. he had been thinking about asking me that this night for over a month. I said no, because I have a bf and I could never do that to anyone.
This guy knows I'm not really happy with my bf and my friends have told him that I talk more about him than about my bf. And I admit I got jealous when I saw him on the dancefloor with another girl.. Then this guy sat down with me and told me I'm the nicest and prettiest girl he's ever met and that he likes me so much more than he ever liked his girlfriend for 3 years and that he's willing to do A LOT for me. He was so depressed and said I have to do something about my situation with my bf and if nothing happens between us soon we'll just end up as friends. Ok now he was drunk yesterday and I really don't like his behavious when he's drunk.. but now I'm almost afraid to see him again.

Everyone sees us as the perfect couple, that we have so much in common etc.
I like this guy soo much, we can talk about everything and have such good times together. But at the moment I just don't feel the attraction and I mostly get scared now when everyone is so pushy about us and he's pushy too.
I just don't know how to handle this situation.. what can I do now? I don't feel ready to decide what to do with my bf even though I haven't felt that loving feeling with him in the three months we've been dating. And I'm certainly not ready to jump into a relationship with this other guy.
It shouldn't be this hard... love should come naturally.. you shouldn't have to sit and comfort a guy because he's in love with you..

I just don't recognize myself, nowadays I always get stuck in situations like these. since I started college 1 year ago guys have been after me all the time.. it's not me! In high school I wasn't the most popular girl, I had only had one boyfriend before I moved here... and now this. Please give me some advice!
Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 12:48pm
If you're not happy with your boyfriend, that's a separate issue. It sounds like this guy is more of a convenient distraction rather than the right guy to be with, at least for now. It worries me that this guy is so intent on pursuing you when you have told him you have a boyfriend and that you have no plans on breaking things off. If he's putting this intense pressure on you saying he's depressed and that you'd better hurry and make a decision before it's too late, that is not a sign of love!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 5:17pm

I realize that my bf is a separate issue... but it's still so difficult because of course this other guys affects me.

But it scares me how he acts and how depressed he gets, that he "think about you all the time" and talks about me constantly with his friends... I feel I can't be with a guy who has such problems. I mean I think this is hard too but I don't let it affect me that much that it changes my life. I'm afraid that's a red flag. I understand he's in love with me. He's not only told me when he's been drunk, he's told me other times too.
And since I've told him that I'm not happy with my bf I guess he expects me to break up with him soon..
I'm just scared now.. it's like he's not the guy he used to be. the funloving, nice guy. Now he's the depressed guy who only thinks about me and don't get out of his apartment much.. another thing is that all his friends except one moved away from this town this summer, so he's alone a lot.

I realize I worry too much about him, but it seems like I can't solve his problems..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 10:29pm
Stay away from this obsessed guy. He's got emotional problems and he could turn psycho. College girls like you should be careful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 1:01am

Hi...
Well I think that if u are not happy with your current man, then you shouldn't be with him anyways....

This other guy that u like.....well u need to ask your self if u want to have steady relationship(u are in college)...and if u do then u should try it with this guy...if he likes u that much then maybe its worth a try.

If u dont want a relationship.....then be single because its also not fair to the guy that u are with right now...if u are not happy with him then why make yourself unhappy. And tell that other guy that u want to take things slow and not rush into anything and if u truly wants to be with you then he will stick around and let things go at your pace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 8:37am
You are 100% correct. It is a red flag and you should be worried. Whatever you decide about your current boyfriend, this other guy is not a good option. You need to continue telling him that you're not available and then you need to distance yourself from him. The only way to avoid a bad situation is to get him out of your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 11:59am
Dear Lesleylou, I think that this guy that likes you has got too many issues he has to contend with. You and your boyfriend and this guy are two separate things. You say you are scared to see him again, pay close attention to your feelings about that. You're in control, don't let your feelings your gut feelings be swayed by a guy who says he's depressed. End of story, sort and delete try not to be so hung up on what someone else thinks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 9:00am
I think you replied to the wrong person. The original poster was jenni 456.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 3:47pm

Jenni, you mentioned in your previous post that you've been with your current BF for 3 months and he makes fun of you, you're not happy with him, etc. You've been dating him for only 3 months and it's not as if you've invested much time in this relationship. Furthermore, no new relationship should be as bad as you described. For heaven's sake, just break up with him. It's not worth all the drama.

Now about the other guy. You have to hold yourself somewhat responsible for his romantic declarations and interest in you. Here are some quotes from your previous post:

"With this guy I feel a deep connection. We have spent so much time together just talking and talking. We can really talk about EVERYTHING. He's so sweet, he's kind, romantic and funny. He would never say anything to hurt me, never be rude to me or anyone and allways treat me like a princess."

Don't you think that your responses to all that attention from him, the long talks, the negative feelings you expressed to him about your current BF, just may have given him the strong impression that he had a chance with you?

"I love spending time with him, I'm always happy when I'm with him."

Don't you think that he saw how happy you were with him? Why would he think that pursuing you wouldn't be welcome?

"But I don't know if we could have a relationship. I don't know if the physical attraction is there. I was interested in him before my bf showed up and I guess I still am."

So he interpreted your interest in him correctly? And now you say this:

"It shouldn't be this hard... love should come naturally.. you shouldn't have to sit and comfort a guy because he's in love with you.."

Well, yes you should if all the signs from you told him to go full speed ahead. Otherwise you were just leading him on for your own gratification and need for attention.

I'm not saying you should date him, just don't act so surprised by his behavior given how you've interacted with him all along. You need to get clear with yourself and decide to go for it or not. If you decide not, then don't give him any hope at all. Tell him you only see him as a friend and that should make him back off.