How do I do this? Confused...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
How do I do this? Confused...
10
Fri, 05-01-2009 - 10:39pm

For those who haven't followed my previous queries about this gentlemen...need some help!

"Met" on Match, have been on six dates since April 1, he has EOW with his daughters, I have my kids 24/7, so it's hard to coordinate seeing each other. Between dates, however, we talk every other day at least for an hour each time.

Just today, I had a slow time at work, so we talked for about an hour, then he called me back after work, we talked some more, then we met for dinner at 6:30!

But...all I get at the end of the "date" is a hug. I call it a "date", but I can't figure out what he wants from me. He pays for dinner, is it a date? He asks me out...is it a date? Originally, he had plans for tonight, they fell through on Tuesday, first thing Wednesday he e-mailed me to see if I could see him on Friday.

Am I solidly in the friend zone? I don't want to be. If I am dating, I would like to see it going somewhere. I am not sure the best way to approach him with the question, "What exactly are we doing here?" without seeming like I am looking to make a commitment to me. But I would like to know if he sees me as someone he wants to get involved with or just a friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 7:17am
I'd ask few pointed questions, after 6 dates you deserve some answers. This man might have a valid reason for taking things tortoiselike slow, or he is really looking for a buddy that appears like a girlfriend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 11:19am

I'm just not sure how to approach this.

I'm not looking for a commitment after such a short period of time, but I really don't want to waste my time being someone's buddy, when I could be spending my (precious) time looking for someone who wants to be with me. As a girlfriend.

I thought I made it clear to him on our first date that I wasn't looking for casual/buddies type thing. He even said he wasn't seeing anyone, and doesn't date multiple people at one time. So I figured, with all the time he seems to be directing to me, that he's looking for something, too.

I don't know how to ask the "what is this" questions without making it sound like I am looking for a commitment.

I just don't have the strength to keep waiting for something to happen if there is no point in waiting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Sat, 05-02-2009 - 1:21pm

I'd just go with, "I enjoy our time together, but I'm getting the feeling we are developing a platonic friendship more than a romantic relationship. How do you feel?"

If you ask an open ended question and then stay very quiet and let him talk for as long as he wishes, you might get some insight. He may be saying one thing but doing another, give him a chance to explain. If his words aren't matching up to his actions then you may want to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Mon, 05-11-2009 - 3:30am

I'm gonna go way out on a limb here.....


Have you ever considered that he's just a good guy who enjoys talking and spending time with you, and he's comfortable to the point that he doesn't feel the need to rush anything?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-11-2009 - 12:13pm

So, where exactly do you expect things to go after 6 dates and 6 weeks, especially when there are children involved?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Thu, 05-14-2009 - 10:15pm

Whoaa..Nellie...slow down....Its only been a few weeks...have you gotten any

Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 05-14-2009 - 10:44pm

Just if the guy has made NOT ONE 'romantic' move towards you (the hugs are pretty brief...kinda like the ones I give a work friend), how do you gauge if he's 'interested' in you as a girlfriend.

Is it unreasonable to wonder why he has never even tried to touch my hand or give even a quick good-night kiss?

I am trying to be reasonable, but I think people are reading my post like I expect to be bedding him down by this point. Nothing could be further from the truth. But it would be nice to know if this is him finding a new 'buddy' or if he is interested in a girlfriend.

What I DON'T want to do is embarrass myself by a)assuming he is interested in me romantically just because he calls me on the phone and b)make a move on him when that is the case only to be told, mmm, no.

All the 'literature' out there keeps screaming about the 'third date' and if he hasn't made a move by then, then he's not that interested. I mean just read HJNTIY! It even says it there (if he's not...he's just not that into you) So how do you know what to do if common wisdom says he should have made a move by now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Fri, 05-15-2009 - 6:24am

ok, can you send him an e-mail?


Tell him that you are confused and wondering why he hasn't tried to kiss you or anything else!

Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2009
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 12:53am

I'm wondering how this situation had panned out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 5:00pm

Last Friday I saw him, and once again, nothing. His face couldn't have been further from mine when he gave me a hug. The conversation never got "personal" there was no flirting, nothing. I got kind of annoyed...I plan all the dates, all he would do was ask (but only on days HE was available) but expect me to come up with the place.

I decided I was just really tired of it. Though the conversation was nice, I have great conversations with people at work, too. We played phone tag a few times this week, and this afternoon I got a voice mail saying he didn't want to date anymore.

I thought, were we actually dating? I felt more like it was going out with a casual acquaintance than dating. I never felt like it was getting anywhere.

Either way, I feel relieved because I was trying to figure out the nicest way to end it. Didn't want to hurt his feelings, but didn't want to keep seeing him.