How do I figure this out or interpret it
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| Wed, 09-14-2005 - 4:14pm |
SO I want to forewarn you... this will be long..
Okay I moved to Colorado in 1999 (junior year in high school) and i saw this guy and i told my friends that is the man i am going to spend the rest of my life with... seriously with nothing but a look (we hadnt talked at this point) Well i guess my friends told him or he heard me say that something or other and he came up to me the next day and said you have the most beautiful smile and got my number.. Come to find out he was one of the most popular guys in school and my friends couldnt believe i "landed him". Well we got really serious and dated for about 2 years but college was driving us apart.. he went to a school about 45 minutes away from home and back then that was just too far to have a relationship (stupidest thing ever, i know) well then i started hanging out with these guys that he knew but i started to develop a relationship with another guy (after we broke up)
This guy now, i have been with since then for almost 5 years (in december) but we have broken up LOTS of times, but i think we are always drawn back out of habit. You see sometimes i love him so much and want to start planning or future and then i really think about it and realize that its just because i am ready for that step, not necessarily with him. We no longer kiss other than the occasional good night peck and i mean occasional, sex is not fun more like okay thanks.. .lets do the laundry, he is ALWAYS out with the guys and doesnt do anything special for me though i do live my life thinking about him, we dont talk about anything meaningful i mean no real conversations, yet there is love.
I think about my ex on a daily basis looking back i know that i made the biggest mistake of my life by letting go and it really hurts me just thinking about it, i mean to a point where all i want to do is cry. I have told him this via email thats the only way we have communicated for over 2 years and it was very sporadic, but initiated by us both. When I told him exactly how i felt he said im sorry but i am just not looking for that right now and he hasnt contacted me or replied to my emails since that was over a year ago.
Well last night i ran into his brother, who approached me, (he was on my neighbors porch celebrating his birthday) and told me how everything was for him ( i hadnt seen him in about 5 years) And i asked how his brother was doing (my soulmate) and he told me that he had joined the army but was doing good. The ARMY!!! But we were in a position where i couldnt really ask more about his brother without looking really pathetic so thats all i know. I stayed up all night last night thinking about him I couldnt get him off of my mind so this morning i emailed him, though i dont know if i will get a reply, i really wish i could find out his military email address so i could find him, but i looked online and couldnt find a way to get that.
Anyways so right now my bf and i live together (though only my name is on the lease and he has only been there since may) and i have to continue with him until at least November, though i dont think i want to be with him anymore.
My question really is.. is this some sort of sign, so way of being shown that something else better for me is out there even though it may or may not be him?? I just dont know what to do this is something that gnaws away at my heart and soul..
And then this was my horoscope today its crazy:
How you respond to your situation or crisis can be a turning point. Refocus your perspective or re-examine your needs. You may have allowed yourself to be taken advantage of by others, or given so much of yourself that you feel drained or weary. At worst, you could be experiencing depression resulting from stress or burn out. You may have been sleepwalking through life, and recently awakened to find your home-life, comforts, relationships, and security shaken to their very core. You may have an opportunity to release old patterns, secrets, or guilt by taking up a spiritual quest in an effort to discover a deeper truth or meaning to your life. Appreciate the good that you do have, yet don't allow yourself to settle for mediocrity. Most importantly, don't be surprised if your quest leads you back "home."
Thank you guys SO MUCH for helping me with this

thank you for the advice, First i guess i didnt make that part clear, but they were never friends, he had met him once though when we were still dating and my now current bf and i were just friends.
I understand that relationships dont stay super exciting or fairy tale like, but we dont have ANY sort of intellectual conversation, there is NO romance and i feel like he wants me to be and/or needs me to be more of a mother than a girlfriend.
In my last email to my "soulmate" i just told him that i ran into his brother and it was nice to see him and that i heard he was in the army and i wanted more details and asked him how he was and then i just said i would really love to at least email you more so you can hear about my life, and i can hear about you. thats it really..
He never asked me not to contact him, he just stopped emailing me..
I selected a read reciept, but havent seen that yet. Since I know he is in the army now i wanted to try and get his military address, but i dont know where to find that do you? im afraid maybe he doesnt use that address anymore.
I dont know what to do next, i cant get him out of my head at all. I know with everything that i have that he is the person i am supposed to be with. You see it was really wierd but he changed me.. You know how alot of people want someone that makes you into a better you, well he did that (though it all happened after we were broken up and i figured out that he was the one)
I dont know what to do im half tempted to go see his brother (he told me where he worked) and ask him, but at the same time i dont want to cross any boundries or anything..
But Im sitting here with a whole in my soul and a confused heart...
My two cents....
End one thing completely and heal from that r'ship before starting another. An x from years ago, can seem like a knight in shining armor, when he could be the furthest thing from it. You are idealizing who he is..........instead of fixing your own life first. You are in a fantasy land, because you don't want to face the reality of today.
Why do you HAVE to stay with your bf until November? Can you not get another roommate, if it's a money issue? Can you NOT break up with him now, and just live as roommates (you're doing that almost now anyways).
Most men, don't want a woman who's still living with her bf, wont' end things until a set time for a specific reason, still has sex with him (regardless if it's once every day, or once every few months). You basically are saying, you're willing to cheat whenever YOU feel the r'ship is over, even if you haven't finalized it.
Again, finish one project COMPLETELY before starting another. THEN give yourself at least 3 - 6 months of no dating. And THEN go find your "soulmate" and see if he wants to start talking again. Cuz for all you know, by the time you give yourself some time, it may not matter what "soulmate guy" is doing anymore. Or you may want to track him down. but at least HE would know he's not the "other man", he's not a rebound, he's not some fantasy that you still think he is, etc. Do you see what I'm saying?
~pineapple_girl