How do I handle this? Advice Please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2009
How do I handle this? Advice Please!
Sun, 12-06-2009 - 11:20am

There is this guy who has been in and out of the picture for 2.5 yrs, we'll call him Anthony. We stopped talking the first time and afterwards I ended up in a relationship with Rashad. A year later I broke up with Rashad and that same day I received an email from Anthony saying whats up and how he missed me etc... (we had absolutely no form of communication what so ever

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sun, 12-06-2009 - 12:58pm
What did he lie about?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2009
Sun, 12-06-2009 - 1:55pm

I think I know how you feel. I was in a situation where we didn't get a "real" chance to get to know one another either and it was due to the on and off thing. I too have learned a lot and changed my whole view on relationships since and I find myself asking the same questions. My main question was that I met this guy before I knew why I was picking the men that I did. Once I learned what made me choose relationships that weren't good for me I started to question things with him. Was he like the others? I am not sure because I never really got a chance to "see". I do know that things felt very different with him and that felt really nice.

Is this what you are talking about?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 12-06-2009 - 2:09pm

"I've been hurt, taken advantage of and lied to so many times before, (yes he's even lied too a long time ago). I've just developed a different perception of men and relationships. "

From reading your post, it seems to me that you don't keep running into "less than spectacular" men by coincidence or by luck of the draw. Instead, you don't know how to drop the duds and how to spot the good ones.

It seemed evident when you said you stayed with Rashad, even though he didn't make you happy because it's all that you knew. This is a mistake in my opinion. That my dear is settling - BIG TIME. If you weren't happy with him or he didn't care to make you happy you should have dropped him like a hot potato long ago. But instead, you stuck it out. Big mistake when you get the mentality "I've put so much time into it!" and that keeps you stuck and unhappy. Nevertheless, you aren't with Rashad any more, but I want to point this out to you as it could mean something.

I too would like to know what Anthony lied about. I think it's going to be fairly pertinent, because you still have it in the back of your mind. Could be your gut telling you to beware.

Plus if he's already lied to you and you are having a hard time getting past it, how can he be perfect? It's an oxymoron to me. Is your idea of perfect kind of subpar?

"Anthony just told me he loved me. I don't see how he could."

I too don't see how he could when you guys never even had a few solid months of connecting and romance. He could be in LUST with you, but it doesn't seem that you two even had the time to really build a love yet.

"But what man doesn't lie? No one is perfect right?"

NOOOOOO! Don't convince yourself to settle! True no one is perfect and we all have flaws, but to just accept that men lie as a common nature is really going to hurt you in the long run! You're downplaying your gut instinct. That's not the kind of flaw you are supposed to look past.

Do you like to read? Even if you don't, this is a worthwhile read, and it's quick: "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis. So go try it out with Anthony, but I hope you really take time to read about relationships in general and teach yourself what is OK and not OK in relationships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Mon, 12-07-2009 - 6:11am

"What do you do when you feel like someone is perfect for you but they've lied before. " depends on what the lie was about.The person who lied has to earn your trust and you have to learn trusting them again if you want to give your RS a chance.

"And it's not always easy for me to forgive someone after being lied to." some people are forgiving while some are not.If you cant forgive then you need to move on from this guy.He may not be trustworthy at all and your instict might be right.

" But what man doesn't lie? No one is perfect right? " true,everyone lies at some point but i am no one to talk about it!!

What does your bf has to say about his lies to you? are they really unforgivable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Mon, 12-07-2009 - 3:15pm
If you want a chance with Anthony then you need to break up with Rashad. Why are you wasting your time on someone who isn't what you consider perfect?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2009
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 6:55pm

Your post was very helpful. And yes I love to read. I will definetly have to pick up that book. I was already planning to go to Border's tomorrow. Lol! And yes I was settling with Rashad. I'm finally fed up with all the crap and empty promises. And what Anthony lied about

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2009
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 6:57pm

It's not so much that each one is unforgivable. It's that being dishonest regularly is ridiculous and no relationship can work like that. I've tried to trust, tried to just say its me and my trust issues. But again... I'm fed up now. I've finally come to a realization that I deserve better. So yes... after all that his lies are unforgivable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2009
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 6:59pm
yes! That's something like what I'm talking about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 8:53am
If his lies are unforgivable then why are you even considering him as a rship material? I am curious.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Thu, 12-10-2009 - 2:29pm

It sounds to me as though you'd be settling if you went with either Rashad or Anthony, since one you know isn't worthy and the other isn't honest. Do you think that's a fair assessment? What if instead of focusing on either of these guys you just take some time to focus on you, being good to yourself and learning more about who you are and what you want out of life, and men?

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