How do you KNOW?
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 06-05-2006 - 3:50pm |
I was reading the topic about Jerry Maguire and Pretty Woman and I agree... Hollywood has a way of putting these "fantasies" in our heads from a very young age. Now here I am as a 30-year old woman trying to figure out truth from fantasy also having a enough life experience to jade me alittle and enough to make me see things in a thousand different lights.
I've been told by a number of people you just KNOW when you've met the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. They, coincidently, are some of the same people I've watched divorce through the years. People who swore up and down he was the one. Here I am with a guy after 9 years (periods of disconnect and "breaks" but 9 years more or less) and while we definitely aren't in the "in love" stage anymore - we do love each other. There is a mutual respect and just a "constant" to the relationship. In a way, a view it like a 9-year marriage. And I wonder... IS this what it would be like after 9 years with anyone? I'm stuck in a place of do I realize what I have and really dive into a future here (committing in marriage, creating a family, etc.) or is this not really what it would be like after 9 years with my "fantasy"? I hope what I'm writing is making sense - I'm afraid it's not. I'm torn between what I think might just be reality and the ideal of what I always thought it would be like and still am not sure I can let go of - but don't want to lose what is good (and real) for a "fantasy".
Does this make sense?
Please respond with your thoughts!

Pages
Well, for me, I know that the place I was in my life had EVRYTHING to do with me finding the right guy. Until my 30s I simply wasn't ready. The perfect guy for me could have presented himself and it just wouldn't have worked adn wouldn't have felt right.
Looking back, I probably good have made things work with my high school sweetheart. At the time it felt like I was settling though and I didn't think that was fair to him so I ended it. The thing is looking back I cna also see how REALLY uncompatible we were and still are. I ran in to him a bout a year ago... wife, two kids, and the minivan in tow. AND I was so glad that it didn't feel rigth and that I broke up with him for, what at the time seemed like "dumb" reasons. He wasn't as attractive as I might have liked, he wasn't ambitious enough, he didn't 'understand me'...
It came down to this, I didn't know whether I could or could make it work and I wans't sure that I really wnated to try to any more. Then one night I was talking to a friend and I aksed if I should "settle" for him. After all he was a nice guy, I could do a lot worse. Was I being to picky.
She didn't really have much wisdom to offer, she said she would have stayed. Later that night I was thinking about "settling" and I got to thinking about how it really made me a pretty terrible and selfish person to even considering marrying a man I was "settlign" for. Didn't HE deserve to go out and find some one who loved him completely instead of marryign soemone who was only "settling" for him because they could "do worse".
So I ended it. It SUCKED!!!!!!!! But I know it was the right thing and those nagging feelings that I was doing thw rong thing that started even before he proposed FINALLY went away. Granted, the sucky part was that they were replaced by fears of NOT finding that better guy for me I hoped existed; but, they didn't plague me the way the nagging doubts had. With the new fears I had good dyas and bad days. Primarily, good days when a cute guy flirted with me and bad days, when it had been a week since a cute guy flirted with me.
Hindsight is an AMAZING thing. Use it. Look back at those past relationships and look at how you felt before during and after. You have to be BRUTALLY honest with yorself or it wont help as much.
The truth is at some point when you clear away the clutter and the litany of questions circling your brain you can boil it down to one simple thing... It either feels right or it feels wrong. Just like when when you are considering doing something that goes against your personal values.
Clear away the clutter, shut down the circling questions, shut down your logical and your surface feelings, take a deep breath and try to feel down deep, mentally reach into your gut... Does it feel right or does it feel wrong?
It doesn't really matter if the answer makes sense or not. It doesn't matter if it's what other people would do or advise you to do. It doesn't even matter if the idea of acting on it makes you cry your eyes out. Does it feel right in your gut?
When I split from my high school sweetheart it tore me up. I felt guilty and sad and scared. But in my gut I also felt it was right for me. In spite of my turbulent surface emotional state, in spite of it not being logical, in spite or it being scary, in spite of it going against the advice of friends and family... I felt relieved and relaxed deep down. Deep down I knew I had made the right choice even though there was a price to pay for it.
It took about another decade to find out just HOW right I had been.
Don't listen to me or to anybody else. Listen to YOURSELF!!!! Tune in to the you deep down. You know what to do. That much I can promise. You just have to get in touch with the part of you that has the answers.
Don't put any thought into the 'storybook' love...you may find something similar but you honestly will never have what the movies show...
Now, that said...I have been married once before...divorced...and am now with a man that I consider the "man of my dreams." Why? Because everything I ever wanted in a man, he has...but more than that...I love him. He's incredible! He's my best friend, my companion, my confidante, my lover, my support...he puts the smile on my face and the twinkle in my eye. That doesn't mean we don't fight or have problems...all couples do...but the difference is that we love each other enough and care for one another enough to not let life get in the way.
How did I know that my ex wasn't the one? I couldn't stand for him to touch me. I didn't want to spend time with him. When thinking about how I felt about him I realized that I loved him...like a friend...but I knew I wasn't IN LOVE with him...I didn't have the kind of love or feelings for him that a wife should have for her husband. When I thought of life as it was I felt sick...when I thought of life if I left him, I felt such a huge amount of peace...I just knew.
You just have to sit down and evaluate your feelings...imagine your life with the person and without them...your gut will tell you the right direction you need to take.
Yeah I have heard from people that say you just "know", but then some people say that they didn't like their lover at all at first and now they love them. Everyone is different I guess. With my past relationship, it was more about that I knew that he wasn't the one. From the start I had doubts, and didn't feel right about it and it just continued 8 months later until I broke up with him. What I find so shocking is how people can just settle like this! I mean I hear it all the time! People break up and say "I don't think I was ever even in love with him" or "I don't kno why I stayed". That stuff just amazes me, how you can fall into such situations without them being completely sure.
That's sort of how I knew...because I kept worrying about it. I just had this gut feeling that never went away telling me it wasn't right. To this day I don't understand it, but it's almost like nature's way of just telling you to get out. Because now I know that it wouldn't of worked, so I am glad that gut feeling was there. I am yet to find the one, because I am still getting used to not having a boyfriend and learning what it is that I do want in someone, because I don't really know yet.
I am young and need a lot more experience, that is another reason why I left, I feel like I need to date around, and see if it can be better because I have a feeling I will wait someone and go ohhh this is what it's supposed to be like, hopefully that happens anyway! but yeah...I think in a way you do know or you don't...and if you have doubts and gut reactions telling you no, then that is just a subconcious way of telling you you want out. I hate being uncertain, I know that much. You hear about so many couples that are off and on and stuff, it makes me sick but yeah I was one of them! I hate that ambivalence- it is a nasty trap! where you jsut can't decide what you want so much that negativity builds up and you soon don't want to be with the person! and you go thru soo many emotions, its hectic but it teaches you something.
I really don't have anything to compare my relationship too except movies, but I am learning about other people and their relationships, so that is helping me with the reality of it. We'll just see, I mean I still wonder if i did the right thing, cuz my ex wasn't that bad there was just no spark as they say. I just hope someone will come along to make me get over it and to realize what it is really supposed to be like.
I just found these boards Friday morning after breaking up with my bf of 7 years (on and off). I think your question is a very important one, and really gets to the heart of the dilemma of maintaining a long term relationship.
Although I am probably much, much older than you, and have been through a marriage and divorce (2 actually because I married the same man twice!), I too am confused about what the parameters of a life long love should be. I thought I knew...that after the initial sparks and fireworks (in our case that lasted about the first 2 years), the comfort and security of the slow burning flame would sustain the relationship. I expected the sparks to die down a bit...if we lived in that initial excitement of true love that every love affair experiences in the beginning, we would die of exhaustion!
I do think we have been sold a bill of goods re: what romantic love is. I think that our culture is contributing to the high divorce rate by virtue of the fact that we have all seen love stories on film and t.v., and we expect that fantasy in our own lives. I am not saying we should settle for the mediocore, the mundane. But I do think that a deep, enduring friendship is the cement that holds people together, long after the looks are gone. It brings tears to my eyes when I see senior citizens in their seventies, eighties and nineties holding hands.
So...even though my ex was in his late fifties, he still is looking for the high shooting flames and apparently thought that the enduring friendship, shared history and respect for each other wasn't going to keep his engine going. Not a very mature way of looking at life. This has been a pattern of his, so I suppose I shouldn't be too shocked - looks like he is doomed to repeat it until he is finally to old to engage in the pursuit! I discovered, completely to my surprise, that he had posted his profile on an internet dating site. That was the end, because it indicated to me that the respect and consideration for who I am was gone.
So...if I was to vote, I would say if there is any flame left in your relationship, give it a little encouragement, and let it flare up a bit. It will keep things interesting and hopefully you two will be holding hands when you are senior citizens.. If you can't get the excitement back, and it does take work, then maybe there is something better out there for you.
I do wonder what takes or makes a long term relationship. I've been in 2 long term relationships. One for 3 years and another for 10 years. I have to say that after these two relationships, I am still confused about how we really KNOW whether the person is right for us. I have to agree with the person who said that all you KNOW is whether you're happy or not. If you're not happy, they something has to give, or else you'll just be wasting your time.
In both my relationships I have started off being wildly, madly in love with the person. In the shorter relatioship, many things contributed to us not ending up together. Mainly, I wanted him to commit, and we were both too young. I think that it was for the best, because looking back, all the desires I had were unfulfilled. The need for security, for a man to promise to me that he would be there... there was no way that the first man was capable of a two-way relatiohship. We were not equals, and I felt unappreciated although I really wanted to feel secure with him. I wasn't pushy, but I sensed that the time just wasn't right and we weren't right. So the problem was both of us, and I cannot say that I am sorry it ended, because I moved on to better people, and it was fun to be single and hopeful. It hurt a lot, because I thought he was the one, but after we broke up, I knew I was going to be okay (even better off), without him. My friends were in agreement, and I went on to many wonderful (and some mediocre) dates with guys who became good friends.
In my second long term relationship, I really thought this guy would be the one. we talked about marriage in the third year, and I thought he was going to propose, but he still hasn't. I have been hopeful, and feel that things have been great through all the time. It has been 10 years, and he still hasn't proposed, although he says he will soon. I felt that I was in love and sure of his love, but just into this current year (our 10th), I've started to wane. Why has he taken so long? I THOUGHT I was sure about him, but now I am not so sure any more. It isn't that I really wanted to get married that much sooner, but I think that it is a failing of his love for me if he couldn't be swept off, to propose earlier.
He said that he truly loves me, and that he just assumed that it was eventually going to be, but I am now having very serious doubts about it because in my dreams I've always wanted a guy to be emotionally devoted and moved enough to propose because of HIS emotions for me, and that he wanted the same thing. I know that I am capable of having a very happy marriage with him, but I'm not sure if I want to. Although we are best friends, there is a romantic side that is missing.He's the kind of guy who does very romantic things (he builds me things), but none of the romantic things that they do in the movies (dates, gifts and songs). He wants to express himself individually, and for a long time I was moved by that. However, I feel it is as if we are two ships that passed in the night. I have told him that I've contemplated moving out and moving on with my own life... and that we should just part friends. I have decided that I would like to have a guy who does sweep me off my feet in both the individual way, and ALSO the way they do in the movies. I can't say that I think he is the ONE anymore, and I often wonder if there is someone else out there for me. Someone who will give me that lasting love and still sweep me off my feet. At least I won't be disappointed by having settled for a man who doesn't love me in the way that I dream and fantasize about. I wonder if I am a bad person for thinking this way.
Angie - everything you wrote is exactly what I feel - well, except I'm not wanting my bf to propose to me - I'm not sure what I'd say in reply and he knows that. But all the things about wanting to have those feelings of passion and romance... and basically just more than "friends" - and yet, I realize how GREAT my bf and I are together - how we both can act silly and laugh at the same things - we are great at communicating together and like last night just moving around the apartment together - working together to make dinner - then sitting down together and just enjoying having each other near - not needing to talk but when we do it's nice. Hanging around the house together (practically the first time of just being at home and hanging out on a week night since I moved in 3 weeks ago) and watching TV and admiring my (our) dog! :p Then when I got in bed, he came in (he doesn't come to bed for another hour or two) and he laid down and had me help him with his sudoku - we acted silly trying to figure it out. then we kissed goodnight and he went out to do some work. ALL SO COMFORTABLE and great - honestly! But... the feeling of desire for "more" never really goes away -but that's where I'm confused... is "more" realistic or am I being immature and living in fantasy!? And so IF this is where I belong and should stay... can I learn to ignore or get rid of ENTIRELY the "feeling"!?
Thanks for ALL the replies - I wish I could reply to each one but I don't have time here at work. But all the replies have offered some great insight for me!
<< I'm stuck in a place of do I realize what I have and really dive into a future here (committing in marriage, creating a family, etc.) or is this not really what it would be like after 9 years with my "fantasy"? >>
How do you KNOW? Well, you don't. No one ever really knows.
So, rather than focusing on what you cannot accomplish (this "knowing" stuff), ask yourself this question:
"If things were exactly as they are right now, 10 years from now, would I be happy with that?"
If the answer is, yes ... then, that's as close to "knowing" as you'll get.
If the answer is no ... then, you may want to re-evaluate whether or not a) this is the right relationship for you and b) is your partner willing to work with you on getting it that place of being able to say "ok, yes, this is all I need."
Lastly, let go of the "fantasy." Life is life, life is the reality of day-to-day living, life is in the living, and those who are "living" realize that today is really all we have. Tomorrow isn't a guarantee (I'm not a fatalist, I'm just someone who's very grounded in the reality of today is IT).
One of my fav sayings is "the past is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is gift. That's why it's called the PRESENT."
Fantasises, on the other hand, are not rooted in reality. Fantasies are in our imagination, fantasies are folklore, storybook tales, and "white picket fence" dreams. The problem with fantasties are that all fantasies are predicated on one thing: wanting more!
So, for sake of argument, let's say you get the "fantasy" (committing in marriage, creating a family, etc.), and 5 years from now, your husband loses his job and you're struggling financially; or you plan to start a family and are having trouble conceiving or lose a baby (god forbid! but, it happens, it's life) ... would that mean that your "fantasy bubble" just burst? That the fantasy you thought had become a reality is now longer your "ideal" becuase, well ... life happens!
This is why it's so important to not live within acheiving the "fantasy life" ... because, even when you think you've got it, it CAN go away ... living the fantasy doesn't make any dream we achieve immune from the realities of life. Marriage is not a goal (i know, tough concept for a lot of women to grasp, given that many women have had marriage dreams and fantasies of their "prince charming" since they were little girls). Having children is not a goal. Those things are simply part of the process of life, stops along the way of this journey called life ... not something to be acheived, by which obtaining those things will make your life "complete."
So, if the fantasy is currently outweighing reality, if you're feeling torn between the two ... and you find that you're always wanting more, is it possible to truly appreciate what you DO have?
Granted, I'm not saying that you can't want for more, or hope for more ... we should all always be looking for ways that things can be better ... but, are you making the most of this day, TODAY? Are you happy with how things are today? (knowing that today is all you CAN know, today is all you've really got)
If you cannot answer "yes" to the question of "if things were the same 10 years from now as they are today, would I be happy, content, ok with that?" ... then, it's up to you find that level of content (and as for how to find that, it's as close as looking inside and creating it within you ... it's not something to be found within anyone or anything else).
Hope that helps. :)
Pages