how do you know if you're in love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
how do you know if you're in love?
4
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 6:54pm

Hi,

I know this is a tough question but I am sooo confused with my feelings to my boyfriend, and his feelings for me. We are both in our late 20s,and have been dating for 5months. We really enjoy spending time with each other. He treats me so well, and cares a lot about me. He had good relationships which ended in good terms, and remains platonic friends with them. On the otherhand,I had a few bad dates-- men who were selfish,emotional immature, and could not commit. So,when I met this guy that I am dating, I was very hestitant to proceed with him, but as time went by, I began to feel very comfortable with him. Now, sometimes,I really want to say "I love you" to him, but I am afraid because we have talked and he said he has very strong emotions for me,and is falling in love with me, but he doesn't know if he's ready to say "i love you". we are in a committed and exclusive relationshio. he says he cares for me,and enjoy our time together. Hearing that I told him,that I don't want to pressure him, and to see how things goes,and maybe with time,it will tell us something. we are both honest with each other. But,even though I say all of that, I am still feeling very insecure and scared now, because I feel I am falling way deeper for him and i am terrified of getting burn.

What should I do? I don't know if that's his way of saying that he will never love me, maybe I am not the ONE,and is he waiting for me to break it off because he is too nice and cares for me alot? Or Does Love really takes time to grow,and I should wait for him? Some people say, you just know within a month whether you love that person or not. Is there a certain time to say "i love you" after how long of dating? after 5 months too soon or just right or need to wait longer?

Fancyshoes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 7:12pm

here is my take:

I just went through this myself.. i think once you know you want to say it and hear it. I am going on my 6 mth w/ the greatest guy... we finally said i love you but my thing i wasn't going to say it first either.

What happened is i just knew a few weeks back and was soo ready to know if he felt it too.
you can tell by their actions BUT us women need to hear it.

Also both MEN and women are scared to be vulnerable and open up adn can't read the other's minds. He maybe thinking the same think you are..

this is how my situation happened..

AFTER i knew, I was lieing next to him at night and said I am scared. are you scared?

he said of what?? I said well of this, how great it is, and all. He said no i am not scared. I said oh ok.. well you are hard to read, you never seem vulnerable to me, and I am scared and think this is great and dont' want to get hurt or hurt you. He said i don't want to hurt you and won't.. he then said well yeah i am scared ,scared the kids will freak you out.. so that told me something but he still didn't say it. but he also said he had a wall up as he has been hurt in the past, and I said well i am afraid we both do and if we dont bring the walls down we are going to prevent this from growing.. The next day i got a text that he was thinking of me.. so i knew he got scared i may run the other way..this was the week before Christmas.

On Christmas we exchanged gifts and cards. I didnt' buy a mushy card buy gave him "your special to me card".. WEll his card came as a surprise and he bought the most mushy card/romantic I love you card.. i was astounded and soo thrilled. He still hadn't said it but the card said it all..

The next few days i was on cloud nine but also confused how one could say it in a card but not aloud.. So i whispered in his ear while he was doing something on the computer for us , I love you.. and looked at me said you too.. then corrected himself and said I love you too...

WE hugged and it was incredible feeling. Now we are not kids. I am 37 adn he is 43 but I just know..

anyways NEW years eve we opened up more and he said he let his wall down ,did i notice i said yes and I said I am crazy abuot you and we got a little "happy" w/ champagne and all and opened up alot about our love for eachother..

so i didn't have to say it first and yes we were both scared..he has shown me his love through many many actions but again i needed to hear it.. He also said he doesn't say those 3 words to just anyone so that means sooo much to me you can't believe.

so maybe you can hint around to how your feeling..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 10:46am

There is no set time limit on saying it or feeling it because everyone is different. For me a month is no way for me to say I love someone but I could have fond feelings of them. But, over time spending time and getting to know them I will grow to love them. I am going on 8 mos with my guy and though he has not said it, I know he loves me. If ever a doubt it was showed to me this past weekend. I also came in to an email from him after being with him the few days that expressed just that. Never has he said I love you, called me his love or anything. All he ever says is “you know how I feel.” Now, I could go into the conversation of no I don’t I want you to tell me but what the words are. I’d much rather have the actions. He caring for me sick, general concern of me and family are what’s important to me. Going out of his way to take care of me though we both live hundreds of miles away from each other I know he will travel them to be here in 4 hrs if I was ill and needed him. So think about your relationships and see his actions and his words and if the go hand in hand then that is how he feels not saying “I love you”.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 1:10pm

When to say "I love you" has no cookie cutter standard time frame. It's different and specific to the couple.

If you believe that you love him and want to tell him you should, but NOT with the expectation that he should say it back. If you can't do that, you shouldn't say it. If you can, then tell him something like "I know we've only been dating for 5 months, and I don't expect you to say it back if you're not there yet, but I love you."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 2:25pm
I second that... Your feelings are your feeling and he has his. You are two different people and so you both will not have the same feelings at the same time. He will get there at his time and you at yours but that does not make your feelings any less important.
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