How do you know when the time is right?
Find a Conversation
How do you know when the time is right?
| Mon, 02-13-2006 - 3:06pm |
Forget it.
Edited 2/13/2006 6:27 pm ET by auntyem4
Edited 2/13/2006 6:27 pm ET by auntyem4
| Mon, 02-13-2006 - 3:06pm |
Pages
Just from what you write - I doubt seriously he dated you thinking "would she make a good partner in life" - because he's in such a phase of transition about what he wants to be and wants out of life.
I think he dated you because it worked at the moment...and he's off now pursuing his careeer, his options, he's excited and delighted about his potential nd possibilities.
That's what he means when he says he doesn't want a "situation" that requires anything of him in terms of sacrifice or obligation....he's NOT JUST talking children...he's talking marriage.
But, you can always ask if he's in a placewhere marriage is a consideration.
I mean, he might be perfectly willing to spend 10 years pursuing his career, putting a marriage on the back burner, not having kids, you two living apart a huge majority of the time....he might be willing to enter into marriage doing that.
But marriage wouldn't alter what he wants. And marriage doesn't dictate it either.
The question is are YOU willing to spend the next 10 years primarily living apart, primarily pursuing your careers as a priority, sharing a bed when available in between options and opportunities for career advancement, and sharing liability for financial responsiblity with little shared time together.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Edited 2/13/2006 6:29 pm ET by auntyem4
Basically, what would be a huge mistake on your part - is to live vicariously thru this guy AT ALL.
He's got a job that involves lots of travel, overtime, lots of restructure and stress. and he has no desire to quit it - he has every intention of remaining in it.
So you moving there to "have a relationship" with him.....would you be okay with that restructure of your life - if you ended up in no relationship because he had an opportunity with another candidate and moved again - as he did this time?
I think that's his point........what he is NOT looking for is anything that ties him down.
I have several friends like this........one marriage HAS WORKED SO FAR......the other four have not.
Teh guys were very focused and driven, they had NEVER had any type of situation in thier life that they sought that involved "commitment" as to location, or responsiblities.
Being involved in a dating liason is not a commitment, it's an option, it's beneficial. And if it ceases to be that because of other options, and priorities - the people move on.
The one whos marriage has worked out...it's because his wife is just like him. He lives 400 miles from her...they see each other about two weekends a month and a stolen weeknight on occasion, he's talking about taking a job making huge money on the Eastern seaboard and she's in the deep south - and she will NOT relocate her job to facilitate his. They dated doing this for 3 years...they've been married doing it for 3 years...it suits BOTH of thier lifestyles as evidenced by the lifestyles they had created for themsleves individually before they met.
They have an agreement...no kids until THEY BOTH ARE READY...SHE has told him - "I will never be ready". He's "hoping" she changes her mind.....but he said from the beginning if she didn't, he was marrying her -not a baby factory anyway.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Okay well here's my opinion. I don't think that you should be even mentioning marriage before the I love you's are said. You can't assume that someone loves you b/c of little things they do...that's a huge assumption!
Basically, this guy seems to be living his life and making decisions based oh him and on him alone. Then there's you who is applying to schools by him and assuming he loves you, and assuming that he will want to settle down eventually and that he wants to one day have kids with you. What you need to realize is that he's very much involved with his career and as much as you say you understand it, do you really? I mean he has no real committment to you and you're content with a phone call or two a week and no exact direction for the future and no I love you's. How do you know that he is not with other people? He seems to have no ties to you and if this is the case then why are you accepting of this? Then you mention your friend and you say that her guy doesnt give her the b/f-g/f title and in your book you wouldnt accept that. However, a boyfriend is not a call maybe 2x a week from a far like you have. I rather be with someone often, have them call me, share the same beliefs, and know that the title is implied than be with someone who is consumed with himself and doesnt do titles.
It seems you want this more than he does especially when you want to talk marriage and he hasnt even said he loves you yet. I hope I wasnt too harsh : /
Edited 2/13/2006 6:39 pm ET by auntyem4
Edited 2/13/2006 6:37 pm ET by auntyem4
IMHO, you have made up your mind. You love him, you believe you two are meant to be. Regardless of when the word marriage or kids come up, you believe you'll make it. So no matter what anyone says here, they're not going to change your mind.
See,I wouldn't see this as a negative or positive.
I hear you saying you want some level of furtherance of the relationship. Some indication of what is in the future.
I just don't see him wanting that. But, given I have no problem living in the moment, not letting a relationship dtermine anything in my future at all - i'd have no problem with it.
But I think that's all that is happening here. The guy isn't interested right now in considering anything except what'll put him personally in the lifestyle nad life position he wants to be in. That's appropriate.
I think you're wanting to now what "potential' exists for the future. That has both of you living in two different timeframes......as a result of prioritization conflict.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Edited 2/13/2006 6:35 pm ET by auntyem4
Edited 2/13/2006 6:34 pm ET by auntyem4
Pages