How do you know when the time is right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
How do you know when the time is right?
13
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 3:06pm
Forget it.


Edited 2/13/2006 6:27 pm ET by auntyem4

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 6:33pm

HEre's what I see as a potential problem. It's not uncommon to do.
You've got a plan - you're going to school, then law school (where you claim you're going to need cooperation from him - are you saying he owes you that coooperation if you stay with him now?)......and then you want to find a job in the field of law, then ssettle down, get married and have kids.

Wow....that's alot of plans.......very few of which are anywhre CLOSE to happening at this point.

He wants to work in this field, take all options/opportunities now to put him into that position in life that he wants to be in at some point..........and when he's done that then he'll be ready to settle down and consider the needs of others.

Wow...that's alot to do.........all of which is happening at this point but there is no "final" destination per se.

So what you're doing is living in the future...you've got plans, you believe they're all going to transpire as you envision....and so you're giving and investing now - to get thins to materialize that you don't control in full.

Huge mistake. Goals makes you what you ARE......they keep you focused, motivation, and driven. In high receipt of self-esteem and self-responsiblity and self-discipline in full.

A relationship isn't a goal...neither are roles goals - such as wife or mother.

So I'd say chill out......go to school where your personal aspirations for a career in law dictate that you go........and if you two stick together thru the distance, great....if not, oh well, it wasn't meant to be.

But you're in a phase of transition...........and he's in phase of development. When you choose partners in thse phases of life they're generally based around the needs/rpiorities, perception of the moment...and if you choose partners for life doing that - you generally make poor life decisions.

So go with the flow.....go to law school where you'd be best served in the law field of your choice....where you rgrades allow yout o attend where you budget allows you to go.

Let him go and pursue the jobs and opportunities that wil put him wehre he wnats to be, as he explores his field and perhaps finds more inroads or nitches where he fits to his own preferences and tastes.

You two date....enjoy what is, when it is - without putting alot of expectations on another to consider the needs, wants, and feelinsg of each other - while apart, and in transition.

And to check yourself and see if you're keeping a balanced perspective....ask yourself this if he phoned up tomorrow and said "come here now, I can't live without you, let's get married now nad have babies right now"...would you do it?

If you would...then you know that marriage/children is really what you want in life right now......and evaluate why and if that'll be eough to sustain you when those roles evolve and evaporate over time?

If you said you wouldn't.....then you know that your career, your self-identity is being self-responsibly undertaken...........and you can enjoy what is between you without trying to force it to go anywhere.

If you want to think science...think of this relationship as an experiment. Rather than having a result you're attempting to achieve and forcing it.....allow the mix to do what it is does...and see what results.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 10:42pm
ok, pretty much looks like auntyem doesn't want any suggestions, advice, opinions, etc. Cease and desist!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 12:15am
Im not interested in hostility from people that dont know me babbling off on a tangent...!

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