How do you proceed slow?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
How do you proceed slow?
4
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 10:59pm

For anyone who has read my other posts, you know that I have a relationship with a guy who I really care for alot. Things are going great between us. Im 45 and divorced after being married for 21 years! So this whole dating relationship thing is so new to me.

Hes a man that is very cautious with his heart and has been hurt too in the past like me. I know he has feelings for me and I have feelings for him. We only date each other right now, but hes the type of guy you need to take things slow with and not crowd.

I tend to be a very affectionate, romantic, person. Sometimes I think Im not real good at starting at the shallow end of the pool, I tend to be the kind that dives in!!! I need to be careful how I handle him, and Im not sure how to do it. He wants to take things slow, and if he feels crowded or demanded upon he will retreat. Im trying so hard to start at the shallow end of the pool, but its tough somedays.

I was sitting here thinking that with him maybe its best to sit back and let him make the moves, like the phone calls, the text messages etc. Let him come to me. Let him find me. I was just wondering if that was the best way to handle things.

I think I get scared of my feelings. Its a fear of being hurt again. I never intended 18 months after my seperation to find myself with someone and having feelings for them. My stbx husband had an affair and left me for her. It was a big blow to my self esteem and my heart. I loved him for a long time. Im scared to love anyone again, but I cant just run away and pretend that I dont have feeling for this man. I know he has feelings for me too, so maybe hes just as scared as I am!! ???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 1:50am

OMG! I know your situation! I just recently started in a new realtionship a few months ago. We jumped into things rather quickly, with full intentions of us moving slow. About 6 weeks into our relationship, he got really weird(sorry for lack of wording, can't explain it any other way!) and come to find out, he was telling me we need to slow down-big time. Well, I was completely taken back because I had only given what I thought I was receiving from him. So I did not know what to do. I back down on phone calls, let him ask to come over or for me to go to his place. That seemed to work. Things went back to "normal" shortly after, I just know to watch myself a little more because I do the same thing as you it appears. I jump in head over heels, full trust forward, and don't hardly think twice about it.

Though with my boyfriend, I still have my insecurities, and I am terrified of getting hurt, we hit things off so well from the first night we met, it has never felt like a new relationship. So it makes it hard to slow things down, or take it slow with a man who you feel like you have known and been with for 20 years-and he feels the same towards me!

About the only advice I can give you is the same advice as you gave yourself in your posting. You don't want to back off completely, because then he will feel you have lost interest. But call him once, then wait for his reply, don't keep calling until you get ahold of him. As the texting, I would maybe in the mornings send a sweet little note/test wishing him a good day and leave it at that. Then again, wait for his reply. Just don't back off completely.

Now, I have a question for you. You stated you are the romantic type. Well, I am as well, but I am horrible at gift ideas. I have this awesome man I want to give the world to. He buys me roses all the time to surprise me because he is thinking of me and every roantic jesture you could ask for in a man. I want to do something special for him for Christmas. I do not have a lot of money, but I want to give him a very special, romantic, memerable Christmas present. Any advice from the womans romantic perspective? Sending roses to a man just doesn't feel right??!!

I wish you the best!! let me know how things go! :)

Dani

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 12:04pm

I'm glad to hear things are going well. What happened with the situation with the other woman he was seeing? Were you finally able to talk to him about it?

As for how to handle this, yes, I would let him make ALL the moves. React, but don't initiate. Give him a whole bunch of room, and be out there living your own life so you're not always available when he DOES call.

I'm curious, though...what exactly does he mean by "taking things slow"?

Have you read either of Steven Carter's books on commitment issues (Men Who Can't Love or He's Scared, She's Scared)? It sounds like he may fit the profile....

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 12:48pm

Sheri,
Thanks for the response. She is gone and out of the picture, so now its just him and I!! I never even had to have the talk really, he came to me about it.

His idea of taking things slow, is meaning he doesnt want either of us to jump in to fast. In other words he has his things he enjoys, hes a hunter and likes to get out alot and hunt. He also has his kids 15 days out of the month and he spends as much time with them as he can. That is not an issue for me for I have 3 at home to take care of myself.

Hes a bit phobic of the word love. I think feelings intimidate him at this point in his life. He likes to keep things simple. I think he does have a fear of committment. So I have to decide if Im willing to let things progress at his pace and see where they go. For now Im choosing to try it and be patient with him. He also feels that we need to keep things at a certain level too until my divorce is final. I think it intimidates him too that Im not totally free. He says people do stop divorces in the last inning!! So I think in a couple when I have my papers in hand it will mean alot to him. He already told me its a private divorce party! Just him and I away for a night or a weekend to celebrate my freedom.

I think things are good like this for me too. I still have wounds that are healing. My husband destroyed my self esteem. Thats why sometimes its hard to handle this relationship because I dont think I totally trust yet, and I feel like I may do things that push him too fast. All based on my own insecurites.

Like last night for example. He called me on his way to work at 530 PM (he works night work). Said he'd catch me online later to chat or sometimes he just calls too. Well the evening went by without a word from him. So right away here comes the insecure me, thinking somethings wrong, and I sat here and had tears started to come down my face. One side of me says STOP your being stupid, and the other emotional side takes over!! So I decided to go to bed at midnight, and not make first contact with him today. I mean it is possible that he was that busy at work, it has happened a couple times. But of course I think right away he just doesnt want to talk to me, or hes feeling cornered by me. I know I cant do this, but I dont know how to stop it. Like I said maybe my wounds are just not healed yet. Any other advice you have would be very appreciated.

Susan

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 1:19pm

Glad to hear that about the other woman and that he brought it up.

Ok, I'd forgotten your divorce wasn't final. I can see him wanting to keep it fairly casual until it's final.

Have you considered counseling to work on your own self-esteem and insecurity issues? I had similar issues after my divorce and especially after my post-divorce rebound relationship ended. Counseling really helped.

Sheri