How to get him to talk
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| Sat, 11-05-2005 - 6:19am |
I have been seeing this guy for a few months now. Im 45 and he 39, we are both divored, with kids. When we met he was seeing someone else, but the relationship wasnt so good. So I figured Id take my chances and try to win him over. In the beginning he told me to date others and keep it simple. Now he no longer talks about me dating others, and Im not sure if she is still in his life or not. Crazy as it sounds I think shes gone, but he doesnt want me to know, for fear Ill want a stronger committment. Even if she is still around, I am very determined to win him over. WHY am I doing this?? I guess because I have feelings for him and cant walk away.
Sex with him is AWESOME!! And i know its not about sex for him. He calls everyday, and when hes at work at night he spends hours online chatting with me. He lives about 50 minutes away but will drive to see me 2x a week just to spend an hour with me on my lunch break on his days off. No man wanting just sex does this! He does arrange longer times too for us to be together.
When he kisses me, he just kisses away for the longest time. I feel that same bond that Im sure he feels. Its like the rest of the world is gone!!
Heres the big problem, HE HATES TO TALK!! I think I need to confront him at this point and say look my hearts in this now, and its time to make a choice her or I!! But I dont want to push him away, or back him into a corner.
How do I do this? How do I get him to have this discussion with me?? Ive reached a point where I need to either be the one in his life or walk away, because Im falling in love with him. When Ive tried in the past he backs away or says hes not in love with her, and his relationship with her is not what I think it is. She is my age and has no children. I do have children and he has 2. Sometimes I think thats the issue. With her its just her and his kids, with me, its his 2 and my 4 and that makes 6 kids. I should add my kids are ages 21, 17, 12 & 9. With her he can just dote on his kids and never have to deal with someone elses kids. Is this what it is??
I just feel a strong need to sit down face to face and tell him I love him. And to ask him where are we going?? What are doing here?? Am I wasting my time, when there may be a better man out there for me??? I do believe in my heart that he has feelings for me. But I cant stand this anymore. I got myself in a battle for his love that Im not so sure now Ill ever win!! Please help me someone. I dont know what to do.

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hi flicksgirl...
Pianoguy read your post twice and based on these 2 'readings'...here are a few thoughts:
If this man is travelling a great distance to see you twice a week (and during LUNCH HOUR yet)...it's obvious that he feels very comfortable being around you. But whether he wishes to take the next step forward (marriage, FWB, or a comfortable arrangement where the 2 of you can co-habitate)...I've got my doubts.
Here's why....
Irregardless of whether he's completely divorced, separated, or estranged from his previous spouse...there's still a KID CONNECTION here. He and his former wife had two children together. And it's entirely possible that one or both of his children (through their own opinions or via Mom's point of view) are a little nervous about sharing him with 4 more siblings...not to mention a 'STEPMOM' figure! This puts him in the awkward position of choosing his 2 over you...or vice versa? (This could also be the reason he doesn't want to get too serious when he comes to talking about a future?).
While you provided the ages of your 4 children, you didn't indicate how old HIS children happen to be? Age is a definite factor since adolescents and teenagers can become very skilled in "manipulating Mom and Dad" based on their own personal needs.
So your b/f might be feeling the pressure of HIS children---along with the possible responsibilities connected with being a 'role model' for the four you have! Some men can pull this 'balancing act' off extraordinarily well. Others will run like HELL in the opposite direction!
While I'm willing to bet that his feelings for you are genuinely affectionate...it's entirely possible that the addition of 4 children (to his life) is a little too much for him to handle? Naturally...there's nothing you can do because YOUR 4 KIDS were in your life long before your current b/f was!
Suggestion:
You indicated in your post that the 2 of you have only been dating for a few months. It's clear that you both are happy (in this arrangement) with each other, BUT...YOU are understandably curious about whether there's a real future ahead as a couple?
So without making a lot of threats or conditions (and PLEASE DON'T USE THE "IT'S HER OR ME" CHOICE...BECAUSE IF YOU DO...YOU'LL LOSE HIM), I think the two of you need to find a quiet, comfortable location (away from all the kids and anybody who knows you) where you can honestly talk about your future together. While you've indicated that this man isn't "the talkative type" and has a tendency to back away from a direct question...the only way you're going to know where you fit in is by calmly, but firmly, TELLING HIM WHAT YOUR NEEDS ARE AT THIS STAGE OF YOUR LIFE.
If you're going to 'attempt to win the man over to your side'---I also think you need to emphasize the fact that he's NOT going to have to assume the entire responsibility for your 4 children. You'll probably have to make it clear (several times) that as important as HE IS to YOUR LIFE...SO ARE YOUR 4 CHILDREN! You need to assure him that you can handle all 7 (your 4, his 2 and HIM) and keep harmony present with everybody.
Bottom line:
Whether he's willing to 'take a chance' and commit himself to you (and your children) is difficult to tell. Just remember that once you both have had this conversation, you'll run the risk of ruining your relationship entirely. If he turns away from you or completely disappears from your life...are you STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE THE DISAPPOINTMENT AND MOVE ON?
One other thought...since the holiday season is approaching, have either of you thought about how much time you plan to be together? This might be a good indication as to whether he wants to embrace you (and your children) LONGTERM...or to only be with you on a limited basis?
Hopefully...one or more of these thoughts have helped you....a least, a little?
GOOD LUCK!
Pianoguy
Painoguy,
Thanks so much for your help! Your advice made so much sense to me and maybe at this point I want to let things go as they are for now. Maybe its best I dont push things, but try to find a way to talk to him about the children and how he feels (thats if he'll say LOL).This may be a relationship that I need to take very slowly.
He is divorced now for 3 years, his sons are 14 & 12. Im not sure they have an issue of other people in their parents lives because their mother has a man living with them and she is marrying him in the very near future. But then again, maybe THAT is the issue. He did say that the boys like his ex's boyfriend, but now that the marriage talk is here, they seem to be reacting, differently toward the boyfriend. Maybe a committed relationship with me is more than he feels they can handle at this time. Which is understandable.
He is a wonderful father, and always shows an interest in my kids. But I would venture to say that getting closer to him may be hard sometimes, as his sons are his world and he is theirs. They do so much together. Whenever hes off they are out boating, crabbing, fishing, hunting etc. See his custody arrangement works out that he has them in total 15 days out of the month, he works shift work. So when hes on nights they stay with mom, and on day work and days off they live with him.
I think your right about the talk, I will be running a big risk and maybe thats not a step I need to take right now. Maybe I need to sit back, enjoy the ride, and take that chance of how things will end up. After all, all relationships either go forward or they end, and life and love is a gamble we take everyday.
I would like to add that if I really sit here and think about it, things between us and his interest in the kids, and sharing his childrens lives with me, have progressed. Its a slow progression but it is progress! So maybe thats really all thats necessary for now?! If that progess stalemates then I think I need to look at moving on. Im not looking for a husband already, Im enjoying my freedom and my single life. I guess I just dont want to put all my eggs in one crate, or maybe I just dont want to be hurt again. My breakup of a 21 year marriage, was enough pain and hurt.
Gary, I think the key phrase here is SLOW DOWN!! What do you think?????
Susan
Susan...
Pianoguy thinks that moving S-L-O-W-L-Y is a good idea...at least for now.
Get yourself through the holiday season and then take a look at how the relationship is progressing come January!
Best wishes and warm thoughts...
Pianoguy
A couple thoughts:
I think you are being naive if you don't think a man would go to the lengths he's going to have regular sex. It *could* just be about sex and companionship for him at this point. Don't assume otherwise just because YOU wouldn't do those things in order to have sex on a regular basis.
Not being able to talk honestly and openly with someone IS a big deal for most women. Are you sure you want to be with a man who isn't a good communicator?
I think it's time to ASK him about whether he's still dating other people and see what he says. Don't make it a choice at this point, just get the information YOU need to make a choice about whether to continue or not. Keeping your head firmly in the sand isn't going to save you from heartache.
Sheri
<< How do I do this? How do I get him to have this discussion with me?? .... When Ive tried in the past he backs away or says hes not in love with her, and his relationship with her is not what I think it is.>>
I have to ask, when was the last time you've tried talking to him about it ... as far as where things stand with her?
You said in another post that you don't think she's around anymore. Are there certain things that have happened (ie, certain 'conditions' that you may have had before that are no longer a factor). Basically, what leads you to believe that she's no longer in the picture???
Reason I ask is that, you may be making something out of nothing here. She may not be around anymore, but GEEZ ... if she isn't, and I were seeing this guy, I'd certainly HOPE that he'd let me know. But, if that's not the case, you may never know if you don't just ask or say something along the lines of "I get the feeling that things are somehow different now. I hope and trust that if something has changed in your relationship with her, that you'd let me know" ... that way, you're just letting him know of your expectation. How long are you willing to wait for him to be upfront about this?
Starbuck,
I spoke to him about this a few weeks ago, and thats when he told me "its not the way I think". I guess because he started paying so much more attention to me and spending more time with me that I thought things had changed. I guess I was wrong, I really dont know. One thing I do know for sure, is that I have to find away to get him to talk to me about us.
I have all of these feelings for him, and when I think of him with her too, I cant handle it. I know people date around and all relationships are not exclusive, but thats not really me. I guess I let him and I let myself be put in a relationship that's not really for me.
I just dont know what to do??? I dont want to approach him with the "its me or her" line. Because backing someone into a corner can only leave bad results. Yet in the same breath, I cant continue this path. Its self destructive at some level. But when I think of walking away I fall to pieces and I cant do it. I tell myself it will change, that maybe when my divorce is final is when he'll want to be with me and only me. I think Im a dam fool.
I maybe wrong, but take this weekend for instance. I saw him Friday and he said he and the kids were going to his parents house down the shore for the weekend. He said Ill call you over the weekend. Well here it is Sunday night and he hasnt called. I texted him, and his phone is off. So that leads me to think that she is with him and the kids for the weekend. Why else would he shut down his phone and not call??
I feel like Ive been lied to here about the weekend away, but what can he do? Tell me hey Im going away with her?? So question is, is the truth more painful or the uncertainty???
Tell me honestly what would you do? Ive hung in here so long and Im not sure how much longer I can handle this relationship. The emotions are running too high for me and Im scared.
<< I know people date around and all relationships are not exclusive, but thats not really me. I guess I let him and I let myself be put in a relationship that's not really for me. >>
Yep, hit the nail on the head with that one. That's "not really you" yet you are accepting something less than 100% from this guy.
While it's not uncommon for people to start up a new relationship before leaving the old one (which, of course, is not IDEAL, but it does happen) ... I'd tend to think that if that person was truly motivated to leave it behind and move on, it would happen fairly quickly. I mean, it doesn't take MONTHS to wrap up loose ends, if that person REALLY wants to.
<< I have all of these feelings for him, and when I think of him with her too, I cant handle it.>>
Feelings are great. But, feelings can cloud our judgement. (I think that's where the phrase "love is blind" was coined, ha!) Regardless of how often he says 'it's not how you think it is' ... well, what it is is what it is ... and what it is is that he still has someone else in his life.
<< I dont want to approach him with the "its me or her" line. Because backing someone into a corner can only leave bad results. >>
Nope, I don't agree with ultimatums. The only thing you CAN do is let him know what you want and need in a relationship, let him know that you WANT to be with him, and if he wants that too ... then, the choice is his.
<< I tell myself it will change, that maybe when my divorce is final is when he'll want to be with me and only me. >>
Ah, I missed that part before ... that you're not yet divorced. It MIGHT be in your best interests to settle that part of your life before attempting to move forward with someone else. Have you asked him "is it my divorce that's holding you back?" That may be a very big factor for him. All things considered, I can't blame him for not committing to you yet. Fact is, you're still a married woman. He may not want to take that leap until you're FULLY available. Even though it doesn't sound like you're still involved with your husband, your new guy may be in "self-preservation" mode, keeping himself involved with her until he knows that you're 100% available, too? I don't know. Just a thought.
<< I feel like Ive been lied to here about the weekend away, but what can he do? Tell me hey Im going away with her?? >>
Well, yeah ... sure, he could! That would be an honest approach. He only tells you what he wants you to know, because he's got this whole other life going on that YOU are not part of.
<< So question is, is the truth more painful or the uncertainty??? >>
The truth is more painful, in the short-term. But, in the long term, the truth is what gives us choices. With truth, we can make informed decisions. With uncertainty, you're just left wondering. Should you really have to 'wonder' about the guy you're involved with?
<< Tell me honestly what would you do? Ive hung in here so long and Im not sure how much longer I can handle this relationship. >>
I'm going to email you and tell you my story. It's not the same, but there are similiarities (in that my BF's ex came back into the picture, started leaning on him for emotional support, and it became difficult on our relationship because I felt that I was sharing my time with him AND her; he wasn't setting boundaries with her and I felt like I was getting the short end of the stick). Of course, being a supportive and understanding GF, I learned a BIG lesson in the realm of "we permit what we allow." Fortunately, it has a good outcome! (but, for the 'outcome' to happen, I had to do the ONE thing I thought I couldn't do. I let him go).
All in all though, I think the longer you "hold on" the MORE you are enabling him to have it both ways. It's noble to think that you can "win him over" ... but, love isn't a competition where there are winners and losers. Love is whole and should belong to one person, offered to one person. I'm afraid that the longer you "hang in there," the less motivation he'll have to actually leave her and swing your way.
Why the heck don't you just ASK him (not in an ultimatum type way, just in an information gathering way as I suggested)??? And if you don't feel you "can", then why the heck are you in a relationship with someone you can't even TALK to???
Sheri
Sheri,
Thanks, thats exactly what I plan to do is ask him. But Im waiting until I see him in person this week. I think its best to do it that way. As far as the relationship goes, Im not sure what to do with it anymore. Its not easy being in any type of relationship where one person wont talk about things, and in turn makes the talker nervous to even ask!
<< Why the heck don't you just ASK him (not in an ultimatum type way, just in an information gathering way as I suggested)??? >>
Precisely. I do believe that when people don't ask, or don't speak up for what the want/need, it's just fear. The fear is the 'why' of it. Fear of losing what you DO have, because what you DO have is 'something' ... and something is better than nothing, right?
Umm, well ... no, not really. "Something is better than nothing" only lasts so long before a person puts themselves into self-sacrifice. And, by that point, they're so deep in that the asking is SCARY ... so, that's just the fear talking.
I'm a firm believer that people are motivated, at the core of all decisions and choices, by one of two things: fear or opportunity. Fear is what holds us back, obviously; and we often confuse that with "if only this person would give me what I want" ... thinking that THEY are the ones holding us back ... when, it's really us that's holding us back ... it's that fear of taking the next step that we all have within OURSELVES to take, if only we'd step up and ask for it, pursue it. That is motivation of opportuntity ... pushing thru the fears, asking for and purusing what we want and need.
Anyhoo ... just a tangent. If we're in a relationship with someone we feel we can't talk to ... that's not love talking ... that's not opportunity for more, for better talking ... that's just fear talking ... intimidation ... fear of loss ... because, at some core level, that person believes that what they DO have ... that bit of something is better than nothing ... but, love isn't just having something ... that's not what love's about at all ... love is whole, it's everything.
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