How to get him to talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
How to get him to talk
11
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 6:19am

I have been seeing this guy for a few months now. Im 45 and he 39, we are both divored, with kids. When we met he was seeing someone else, but the relationship wasnt so good. So I figured Id take my chances and try to win him over. In the beginning he told me to date others and keep it simple. Now he no longer talks about me dating others, and Im not sure if she is still in his life or not. Crazy as it sounds I think shes gone, but he doesnt want me to know, for fear Ill want a stronger committment. Even if she is still around, I am very determined to win him over. WHY am I doing this?? I guess because I have feelings for him and cant walk away.

Sex with him is AWESOME!! And i know its not about sex for him. He calls everyday, and when hes at work at night he spends hours online chatting with me. He lives about 50 minutes away but will drive to see me 2x a week just to spend an hour with me on my lunch break on his days off. No man wanting just sex does this! He does arrange longer times too for us to be together.

When he kisses me, he just kisses away for the longest time. I feel that same bond that Im sure he feels. Its like the rest of the world is gone!!

Heres the big problem, HE HATES TO TALK!! I think I need to confront him at this point and say look my hearts in this now, and its time to make a choice her or I!! But I dont want to push him away, or back him into a corner.

How do I do this? How do I get him to have this discussion with me?? Ive reached a point where I need to either be the one in his life or walk away, because Im falling in love with him. When Ive tried in the past he backs away or says hes not in love with her, and his relationship with her is not what I think it is. She is my age and has no children. I do have children and he has 2. Sometimes I think thats the issue. With her its just her and his kids, with me, its his 2 and my 4 and that makes 6 kids. I should add my kids are ages 21, 17, 12 & 9. With her he can just dote on his kids and never have to deal with someone elses kids. Is this what it is??

I just feel a strong need to sit down face to face and tell him I love him. And to ask him where are we going?? What are doing here?? Am I wasting my time, when there may be a better man out there for me??? I do believe in my heart that he has feelings for me. But I cant stand this anymore. I got myself in a battle for his love that Im not so sure now Ill ever win!! Please help me someone. I dont know what to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 5:59am

Starbuck,

Thanks for your advice too! You made me realize something very important here. I am allowing myself to repeat my behaviors over and over again.

My stbx and I were married for 21 years. In those 21 years, it usually took an out of control, nasty shouting match for me to get him to sit and talk about things. If he decided he didnt feel like discussing it I was to keep my mouth shut, well that never lasted with me! I would end up pissed off, crying and yell at him until he did talk.

Now here I have a realization after your email, that Im allowing almost the same type of thing to start with my new life. I dont want another relationship in my life where someone wont discuss things with me, or gets me to the point where I am intimidated by them, when it somes to discussions. I REFUSE to allow this in my life again. I can meet my bf halfway here but not allow my life to be the way it was ever again!!!

He's coming tomorrow and we are spending the day together. I plan to make it a nice day, but there will be a point in the day where I WILL voice my feelings and ask MY questions. And if he truly cares for me he will understand and talk to me, if not I suppose whatever happens is for the best.

This is after all my new life Im building here too, and I WONT SETTLE AGAIN FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN I DESERVE!! So sorry world, but I deserve the best!!!!

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