How to get over my fear

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
How to get over my fear
3
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 3:18pm

Hi, I am new to the board, I have a question, me and my boyfreind have been dating 3yr. We are both divorced, and we have a good relationship, but I have these worries, tell me if I am bring, insucure. He has alot of freind that are girls, some he has had relations with or flings if you want to call it that, he never dated any of them bcause he said he was not into them. But one of them is his best freinds wife know, they just got married two years ago, but I just found this out las may. It bothers me alot when we are around them because I keep thinking shwe slept with him. This was way before me or we ever knew each other, She is a freind of mine thru my boyfreind, how do I let this go, She doesn't know that I know, but he told me out of fear that I thought he was cheating, with a girl he used to have babysit for him why he was going thru a seperation, which was his best freinds ex girlfreind. So she used to stop by the house alot but not anymore after I told him that she was up to no good, and that I didn't think it was right. He tells me that he was not interested in her she asked before if he wanted to date and he said no. My boyfreind is so sweet to everyone, he is not mean to anyone, so am I beeing to sensitive or what, help me to understand this. I don't want it reining our relationship, we are great together and I feel we are moving in the right direction, sometimes that is why I think he is afraid to commit, because we both went thru terrible divorces.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 8:51am
I felt something similar to what you're feeling...My SO's ex g/f lives in the same town that we do. (It is a small rural area, moved in together here instead of the larger town that I was living in, long story..has to do with my 15yo son) They only dated 2 months. The relationship was not serious and was very painful for him as he was out of his element with this girl. My SO is kind, too and always does right by people...was yanked around by this girl who had been married 5 times by age 35. He just didn't know b/c he was new to the area. She actually stopped by our house b/c she saw me sitting outside waiting for my 4yo to get off the bus. Had a nice conversation. Up to that point I couldn't look at her when we would run into her at the club we hang out at without thinking that he had been intimate with her. After talking to her I realized that there was no way that it ever would have worked between the two of them b/c she's just not the type that he would be with permanently. It hit me then...I have him. ALL of him. He loves me in a way that no one else ever has. In my old age I finally know the difference. I also realized that SHE is jealous of ME. She has no reason to be, really..she's remarried. Her whole reason for being here that day was b/c her curiosity was killing her. It was the realization that he's with me, never could have been with her, it never would have worked for them that stopped the thoughts of their being together. If your b/f wanted to be with the other girl, they'd still be together and he wouldn't be with you. We all have people in our pasts and I know that it's uncomfortable knowing what you do but if you'll focus on what you two have with each other, those feelings will eventually go away. Whenever those thoughts creep in, just remind yourself that he's with YOU. He wants YOU. YOU are what's important. YOU are the person he loves. YOU are the present. YOU have the better sexual relationship. YOU have HIM. Good luck. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 10:18am
Thank you becky for responding, I appreciate I thought the same thing he is with me, I hope in time that this goes away, I am glad I'm not the only one. Again thank you.
Best regards
a
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 10:46am
It will get better, I promise. You just have to keep talking to yourself. Literally. Make yourself believe that he's never had it so good than when he's with you. You'll come to really believe it. See, I KNOW that I'm the best thing to ever happen to my SO. I don't care how many relationships he had. I know what kind of person and partner I am. He's lucky. But then, I'm lucky too. Good luck. Becky