how to have "where is this going" talk?
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 07-29-2005 - 2:29pm |
I guess this is the place to go when you are confused about a relationship!
Here's my dilemma.
I have been dating my current bf for about 7 months now. We went through a little bit of a hard time around 6 months but worked through it and things have been really good this past month. Well, I have now suddenly started acting like a mad woman. I run hot and cold with him. Sometimes I am so happy around him and others I am irritated by everything he says and does. The thing is, he is not acting any differnetly around me. It is just like I am spazzing out for no reason.
I wonder if this is possibly b/c I feel insecure about the relationship and where it's going. I can't stand that I don't know if it's going anywhere (by anywhere, I mean towards marraige, long-term commitment, etc.) I am driving myself (and him!) NUTS over this! What can I do to calm down? I'm afraid I'm going to jeopardize this relationship if I don't get a handle on myself.
Can anyone help shed some light? I'd love to hear from anyone and everyone!
Thanks! :)

You've got to sit down and talk to him about it.
I went through the same thing with my bf around vday. We had been dating a year and a half and I was jumping at everything and jealous and fussing and happy and ...... it was just horrible. I finally told him I couldn't stand it any more and I had to know what was going on in his head. What he thought of me. If he wanted to be with me. If we were exclusive. and one question led to another and we had a good discussion and afterwards, I stopped being so crazy about everything.
Talk to him! Communication is the best thing in a relatoinship!
It depends.
Have you, sometime during the last 7 months, discussed the topic of marriage and found out if it's something he desires?
Like some guys, he may have already determined that he doesn't want to get married. If he doesn't and you're sure you do, then I wouldn't stick around hoping he'll eventually change his mind.
If he does desire marriage, it may not be for several more years. If this is the case, and your respective time frames aren't in sync, would you be open to waiting for him? If so, how long?
This last one might be the hardest to hear, but better that you know up front than to spend more time dreaming of a future with him -- if he desires marriage, it could be that he desires it, but just not with you. And if that's the case, better that you know NOW so you can move on and allow yourself to be open to the man God has in store for you.
Good luck and let us know how it all goes.
Heymum
Wow you kind of sound like this girl I'm dating right now. If you want to see how she's been acting take a look at my own post, "What do you women think about this?" (by Midwestflyguy). I might be totally wrong about this but she's been acting kind of weird like you too, and I'm just starting to realize it might have been that she's trying to get an exclusive relationship out of this as well. I still find that hard to believe, I still lean away from that idea being true. However, one thing is for sure, women are capable of acting weird for no reason.
Anyway, about your problem: I think if your current guy hasn't brought it up and your current changes in behavior haven't brought it up (or scared him away), then you've probably got a guy a lot like me. I don't like to have girls "spaz out for no reason", especially when it actually is for a reason (a hidden one) like trying to get exclusivity out of it. He probably is getting tired of it, but if he's hung in their with you this long, than he probably likes you a lot too. Guys don't hang around 7 months for no reason unless they're brain dead. He might even be wondering why you haven't brought it up yet either. Guys figure that most relationship talk is usually up to the girl to bring up, or at least drop some very strong hints or something. The guy has to be the risk taker in the relationship for everything else, from having to get your number and ask you out that first time, to continually showing you that he is interested and does like you. WE are the ones that have to keep asking YOU out time after time, knowing full well that you might say no anytime, or at least give us lame excuses why you can't go, which is the same as saying no. But I digress...
Just know that this guy probably likes you plenty by now, and he's also probably getting sick of your behavior. So you need to do two things right now:
First, get a grip on yourself girl. You are about to screw up something potentially wonderful by your erratic behavior. Force yourself not to over react to things. You are freaking the poor guy out.
Second, if I were him, I would want you to bring up this discussion, not put it on me. You are the girl. You have all the big emotions. (not that guys are robots, just that women are more sensitive etc) Guys don't like bringing up "mushy stuff", so I'm sorry but this one is on you.
Don't just pop it on him the very first minute you see him. There are tactful ways of getting around to this. On the other hand, don't stress out about trying to find the perfect moment to bring it up. Guys aren't like girls: we don't need you to serenade us on a mountain top at sunset with stawberries and champagne. Just next time you guys get into talking about something a little deeper or sensitive, or next time you two are having a quiet moment together, just say something like, "I know you've probably noticed my strange behavior lately." Then he'll say, "Yeah, it's been kind of weird." Then you say something like, "Well, I know there is no good reason for me acting like that, so I'm going to stop. However, part of the reason I've been acting that way is because I really like spending time with you etc..." Blah blah blah... And then if the topic doesn't come up soon after, just say "that it's also part due to the fact that sometimes I wonder where this might be going." Then pause and see how he reacts. If he still doesn't get it, you should slap him and walk off! Unless you really like him (which you obviously do), then just say, "So where do you see this going?" There that wasn't so bad was it? However, depending on what type of guy he is now he's either thinking, "OH GOD WHAT DO I DO TO GET OUT OF THIS ONE!!!" Or if he were me and were interested in the girl he's been dating, he's saying, "Damn that girl took forever to bring that up!" Not that many guys are dying to know like you girls, just that it's a natural progression of things, and after 7 months I'd be wondering too.
Make sure you subtley let him know you aren't talking about the "M-word", just the "E-word", as in exclusive. (Honey, you better not be trying to lay marriage on him this soon.)
Other than that, all I can tell you is to make sure you are relaxed about it when you do it. Don't build it up in your mind. It's really not as big of a deal as you think it is. Just chill and relax, take deep breathes or even take some drugs if it gets that bad. Just don't go crazy on him anymore! That's the worst thing you could do. Your wacky behavior has got to stop, becuase I guarantee everytime you act nutty like that he's thinking, "Damn I really like this girl, but why does she have to do this?"
Believe me he's very happy I'm telling you this. If you have to go to a day spa before and get super relaxed first, then do it. Then have fun. If it's meant to be it will work out, if not meant to be, then why would you want to be with somebody you weren't meant to be with anyway? I know, I know, you girls always love him too much to imagine being without him or with somebody else.
Good luck girl! You'll do fine.
I would caution you with this relationship and the lack of communication that the two of you appear to have.
I think that if you've been together for 7 months and don't know what he's looking for in a relationship, then you don't know him at all. Again, if you don't feel free to raise your concerns and speak frankly about your fears, it's not a close or good relationship. Certainly, if you don't know whether or not he's even exclusive to you after 7 months - it's a huge red flag!
Communication is everything in a relationship and if you're not doing it already, it's a dud romance. Discussing "the future" needn't be a big deal. It simply falls under the umbrella of "hope and dreams". And in any good relationship, hopes and dreams are discussed, respected and honoured.
For what it's worth, within a week of meeting my DH, we were discussing hopes and dreams. I found out that he was looking towards marriage and children and I knew the approximate time frame. Naturally, he wasn't promising himself to me after only one week, but the knowledge that he wasn't just tarting around gave me the security that I needed.
Hmmm...you have some good stuff here, but there are *plenty* of guys who would "hang around" for 7 months because they like the sex and companionship but have no intention of making any sort of commitment.
And I'd say at least 75% of the men I've been serious with have brought up the topic of exclusivity and/or commitment first. I think men who are really into a woman DO think about it, and they DO bring it up. At least, that's been my experience and I think most of my friends (male and female) would agree.
Sheri
>>And I'd say at least 75% of the men I've been serious with have brought up the topic of exclusivity and/or commitment first. I think men who are really into a woman DO think about it, and they DO bring it up. At least, that's been my experience and I think most of my friends (male and female) would agree<<
While my experiences wouldn't be as high as 75% of men raising the issue, I do agree that if a man (or woman) is really into a relationship - discussing the future is very acceptable. It's only the ones who are looking for a casual thing that are scared off by this discussion.
And for the record, I also know of men who could spend months or years in a relationship of convenience.
Thanks for all your 2 cents. Just to clarify, we ARE exclusive, and have been for about 6 months now. I just am feeling the need to have a "state of the union" address, and was wondering how best to bring that up. We have discussed some hopes and dreams, and both of us seemed to be wanting the same thing. However, about a month and a half ago we were having some issues and decided to stay together and I just want to make sure we are staying together for the right reasons, and not out of convenience.
I am planning on discussing it with him the next time I see him... I will let you all know how it goes! Keep your fingers crossed :)